Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

I guess the moral of the story is the pain is not going to go away over night and embrace and use it to make changes and become the person you want to be. If he likes that person great! If he doesn't and thinks there is something better that's ok too. PM99 wins either way.

I am trying so hard to move my mindset from fear to opportunity. I can spend my days worrying about where we aren't at right now, or the awful place where we might end up. I need to stop worrying about what might or might not happen. I do know (as you have said before) that fear will lead me to the very place I don't want to be.

Thanks for sharing the piecing thread-- it was really, really helpful for me and I'm sure for you too. I'm sure he sees your stress and concern with his turtle-like progress, and it probably adds to his own worries that he'll never get those feelings back or whatever. Remember-- assuming you still want to stand, you're in this for the long haul. If I put myself in his shoes, I could imagine feeling a lot of pain knowing how much pain he's already caused you and continues to by not snapping back into a passionate H... but conversely, I could also imagine the utter relief if I felt like my W was OK with where we were, taking it day by day, secure and confident in who she is and that this will all work out in the end. Right?

May, thank you so much for this ^^^ . This really made me stop and think about how I could help relieve him of the pressure and anxiety over my pain. I printed off some parts of the Piecing thread and gave them to him on Friday. (The bits about differing timelines, not having romantic feelings right away and various other bits.) I said that these were things I needed to keep reminding myself of and if he wanted to read them, he might be able to relate to some parts of it. I was out all day and he didn't mention anything about it in the evening. When we were in bed I asked if he had read any of it. I fully expected an excuse that he'd been too busy - after all, any M-related article I sent him last year was duly ignored, as had been my requests for MC. I was completely surprised when he said he had read it, and it did make sense to him. I was a bit floored. Talk about having no expectations, then....wow!! I said to him that I was OK with where we were right now, that I recognized that he was in a different place to me, and we'll take all the time we need (we had talked about this in MC, and MC had asked if we felt we were on the same train, on different trains, and that H was perhaps a few stations behind me). He thanked me for telling him that I was OK with where we are.. The rest of the weekend went reasonably well - I tried my very hardest to not to be down or upset or put pressure on. As always, we got on famously going shopping together, cycling, out for dinner etc. (True BFFs!!!). I did get upset at one point - as always, it's that lack of intimacy that is killing me (it's been 2-3 weeks). He did say he is struggling so much with that missing connection, that he is with someone whom he doesn't want to leave, cant imagine life without me, yet just cant find those feelings that he wants.

On asking about you talking with OM... that is kind of weird, I agree. My best guess is he was just fishing to see if you were still talking to him and felt like saying it would be OK was the only way he could bring it up without seeming jealous or insecure. He is also probably aware of how keenly he responds to the distancer-pursuer dynamic and the idea of competition for you, so maybe he's purposely bringing it up to see if it still provokes a response like that in him now that you are reconciling. And then the least optimistic reason might be because he is still in contact with his EAP or thinking about it, and tested you. (Seems like WSs often suspect their LBSs of cheating back... my H has been weirdly worried about this. I think it is just projecting.)

He has never, ever asked a single question about OM up until then, so my hunch was he wanted to know if I was still in contact. It did cross my mind that he might want that challenge again and need to fight for me, but I don't want to play games - it could cause more harm than good. I could easily restore contact with OM but I don't want to. Regarding EAP, I've been a bit paranoid this last week, but I think that is more to do with my over-analysis of everything H does, than him doing anything suspicious. I had a dream last night that they were back in contact...ugh!!


We had MC today. We talked about how we communicate our intimate needs (or how we don't - we are apparently relying on each other to be mind-readers). MC asked how we would've communicated pre-BD days - the answer was we didn't, we just lost that whole connection, for years. MC wants us to try a program of Sensate Focus. I'm quite excited by this actually as I really welcome the opportunity of H and I in a low-pressure environment, just trying to connect sensually without all the pressures that are in place at the moment. For once, I am surprisingly optimistic. Rather than worrying that this might not re-ignite the passion between me and H, learning and growing in relation to my own sensuality and sexuality is something I can take forward with me, with or without H. I do recognize how my confidence has eroded over the years, how I've lost touch with being a woman because I spent all my time being a mum in order to escape the loneliness of my M. I also have spent many weeks/months wondering if what we are trying to create ever existed in the first place, and hence, questioning if we are trying to achieve the impossible, that H and I never had and never will have a good connection. But having read up on sensate focus, I am seeing couples that have taken their non-existent connection to levels that they never imagined (in all areas of their relationship). So for now I'm throwing away my worries about trying to achieve the impossible.