I agree with everything said here. ATL...I do see you setting yourself up for disappointment and reading too much into her change of mood. I have a good example of that from my first marriage. My H was depressed for a good portion of our marriage and rarely in a good mood. Strange story...but one day, I had a reading from a psychic who talked about my marriage like she knew us. It was really uncanny. She held a wedding picture of the two of us and described our marriage and him to a “T”...and basically said that I would end up unhappy if I had a family with him because even though he would be there for me, he would eventually come to resent it. Afterwards I told my H about it and it was the catalyst for talking about our R in a way we never had before. That week he was in SUCH a good mood. I commented on it. Said...”I can’t believe it. A psychic basically predicted the end of our marriage and you are happier than I’ve seen you in ages.” His response...”It’s because we’ve finally seen and talked about the elephant in the room.” He was relieved. Long story short...we separated a week later and finalized our divorce two years after that when I decided to move back home to be closer to my family. Thankfully, it was a very respectful parting and we are still good friends...20 years later.
DBing ultimately is about saving yourself, not your marriage. Sometimes the marriage does get saved as a by product of that. But, given my observations over the last two years of being on this forum...the vast majority do not. That’s just the reality. By the time our spouses get to the point of saying they are done, most have been contemplating ending it for way longer than we think and feel like once they have taken that step of telling us, there is no going back. So follow the advice of people on here as best you can. I did and am so grateful because I am happier now than I was when I was married. If I hadn’t followed their advice, I 100% believe that I would still be divorced but also still stuck in my unhappiness and grief. Do not be afraid to move on. If your W ever wants you back, she will let you know. But...she will only ever want you back if she sees that you are living your best life and have [truly] moved on. There is nothing attractive about a person who tries to hang on to you when you have clearly told them you want out. But the person who says “okay” and then gets out there and lives their life like they hardly even miss you. EXTREMELY attractive. It’s just human nature my friend.
Also...speaking from a woman’s perspective. I lived with a guy once that I was committed to for about a year. Part way through, he lost his job and I was the sole breadwinner. I didn’t mind...at first. But his idea of looking for a job was to check the want ads once a day and then get back to whatever he was doing...video games, hiking, contemplating his navel, making a mess in the house, etc... After awhile, I felt more like his mom than his partner and I lost respect for him... big time. Once the respect was gone, that was it. I was done. I broke up with him and never looked back. Not saying that is what your W will do but you do need to know that once a woman loses respect for you, it is really hard for her to find you attractive again. You would have to to a complete 180 in your behaviour and attitude and she would need to see it consistently over time. Probably not what you want to hear but I would be doing your a disservice, I think, it I didn’t tell you that. You need to get busy.
