[scout12]

Thanks guys. It has been a horrible 36 hours and I am completely exhausted from the whole ordeal. Lying in my bed Sunday night not knowing where my little boy was... it was the dark night of the soul.

Before I got off the phone with X, I warned him not to start anything at the front door when dropping off S2, so that all went smoothly. I could have cried with relief once I got him inside the house. We had a big cuddle and he kept repeating "Mama's coming tomorrow", which must have been what X was telling him, which means S2 was asking for me. I reassured him that I was right here and we would be together all day. I was in no state to focus on work.

The adventure (I have been calling it 'his adventure with dad' to make light of it in his mind) doesn't seem to have affected him in a negative way. He has a busted lip which seems to have occurred during a jetski accident No explanation from X, of course, but S2 said "dad took me on the jetski and he was going too fast and I hit my head". His front tooth seems to have gone through the lip. I'm pretty irate about that. He also has the worst nappy rash I've ever seen, it looks like a burn. He only wears nappies overnight now and very rarely has a slight rash, so I don't know how this huge, glowing, red rash happened. I'm taking him to the doctor today to document and assess the injuries.

He did seem a bit keyed up at bedtime last night, so I let him sleep in my bed. He got upset whenever I turned the light off, saying "I can't see you!" After an hour of tossing and turning and kicking me in the back, I asked him if he would like to go back to his bed. He cried "noooo". So of course I kept him with me and cuddled him to sleep, although I didn't have a very restful sleep myself. The important thing is that he felt safe.

Yesterday morning while trying to get hold of X and find out where he was and when S2 would be returned, my mother contacted X's mother to see if she had heard from him. Apparently she was concerned about S2, but the conversation got tense when she started echoing X's story that he's being denied access. She even said that X must have been so fed up by me withholding S2 that he just took him. As if that justifies kidnapping! My mother quickly pointed out that X had stopped participating in custody negotiations in February. Ex-MIL stuttered a bit (must run in the family) and said she didn't know anything about that. So clearly, X is feeding them a bunch of lies about me. I knew that was the case, but it still hurt to hear it directly.

I spoke with my L yesterday and she agreed it was a serious breach and I am justified in withholding S2 until a court order is in place. It's going to cause a big drama as it's Father's Day this weekend and I'd previously agreed that X could take S2 overnight. Obviously I am no longer making that offer, but I'm worried that if I do let him take S2 just for that day, he won't return him again. My L is drafting a letter outlining the consequences of future breaches so that I don't have to communicate with X directly.

I've also booked in to see my psychologist soon. I just can't believe this has happened. I reached out to my family and a few friends who were all horrified and rallied around me on Sunday/Monday, offering company and support. Posting here helps me solidify that what X did is unacceptable. The self-doubt created by years of emotional abuse is still there beneath the surface. I always think 'is there anything I could have done better' or 'have I done something to cause this'. Should I have agreed to the custody schedule he demanded in February, am I being unfair, am I withholding? S2's safety and wellbeing has always been my guiding star. I look at how content and secure and understanding he is, even after an ordeal like this, and I know I have made the right choice. But the doubt lingers.