I think LH is right... the way forward is really hard, no matter which way you go. Sticking it out. Moving on and going through D. There is no easy way out, unfortunately... though I think our Hs thought maybe there was. (jacka$$es.)
I guess my advice to you would be the same that you gave to me most recently on my own thread--- take a deep breath. Relax. Sit in the now. Focus on what it is that you need and want. Remember that you have the power here. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and try to keep that focus on you, not on him. So what that he isn't feeling the butterflies yet? it will happen or it won't... but it isn't under your control.
You control you. So how can you take charge of your own feelings right now and not let his angst and depression and confusion affect you? my bet would be going back to the basics of self-care and removing all pressure from him... he is on his own journey right now, it may happen to be under your roof and he is trying to find his way back. Let him. Don't push him. Go back to the things that worked in the hardest times and practice them again so that you can maintain your sanity while he goes through this new phase.
Thanks for sharing the piecing thread-- it was really, really helpful for me and I'm sure for you too. I'm sure he sees your stress and concern with his turtle-like progress, and it probably adds to his own worries that he'll never get those feelings back or whatever. Remember-- assuming you still want to stand, you're in this for the long haul. If I put myself in his shoes, I could imagine feeling a lot of pain knowing how much pain he's already caused you and continues to by not snapping back into a passionate H... but conversely, I could also imagine the utter relief if I felt like my W was OK with where we were, taking it day by day, secure and confident in who she is and that this will all work out in the end. Right?
On asking about you talking with OM... that is kind of weird, I agree. My best guess is he was just fishing to see if you were still talking to him and felt like saying it would be OK was the only way he could bring it up without seeming jealous or insecure. He is also probably aware of how keenly he responds to the distancer-pursuer dynamic and the idea of competition for you, so maybe he's purposely bringing it up to see if it still provokes a response like that in him now that you are reconciling. And then the least optimistic reason might be because he is still in contact with his EAP or thinking about it, and tested you. (Seems like WSs often suspect their LBSs of cheating back... my H has been weirdly worried about this. I think it is just projecting.)
Hang in there, Pommy. Can you just have a nice long weekend and put all this stuff on hold for a few days? Just have fun together?
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
