No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

Hi all, Sandi,

I hope everyone is doing great in this wonderful board! My holidays with the kids are coming to an end and it has been great in helping me reset my DB batteries to do it right for once at all.

I have read again DB, conscious that I was misunderstanding or perhaps not applying correctly the principles and making an effort to this time do the hard job (the hard job being now making things worse and building a great life apart from W) and this time I have resolved to become a solution detective myself. There has been no contact with W beyond those times when we need to video call the kids and I have been thinking about a lot of unhealthy aspects in our R and how to avoid these things again in my future.

A couple of days ago S6 had a fever and I told W. She spent a couple of days writing to me to ask about him. I was polite and for the first time she replied a couple of times saying goodnight or wishing us a good day. Then I told her if she was having a good time, I had no answer and I stopped any communication outside of the kids.

I have been exercising as always (I ran 65 km spread across 6 days last week), reading my self-improvement books and focused on making my kids have a great time at the beach or home. In parallel, thanks to being with my parents in their beach house I get their help to get out some nights and have the fun I need the most right now (talking about social GAL activities! ) without the kids. I have many good friends here and sometimes when we talk about the new aspects of healthy relationships I am learning they would validate those ideas but also tell me is something that should come natural in a mature relationship. Many of those conversations have opened my eyes about the ugly aspects that W brought into our R and every day I am more convinced I made mistakes but I am not to blame for all of our problems not to mention for her decision to leave me in Germany. I dont say this in a vengeful way, I truly believe I am getting to a healthier position wrt our R and my role in the problems we had.

I am working on detachment but sometimes I slip back. Just the other day W was talking to S6 over the phone and when she says goodbye she is so affectionate sending hugs and kisses to S6 and S2 it always makes me think "it as if I did not exist to her". Not that I expect any affection, what I mean is that it still hurts to realize her attitude towards me is so cold and angry.

IC is going great, we are currently analyzing that most likely we were living above our possibilities as I was the only one working and not that I had a wonderful salary, at least for the early years of our M, and how I cannot take blame for the decision W took to come and live with me in the UK and Germany (in the same way she cannot blame me after deciding to come herself). We have been talking a lot about how to let people be free and make their own decisions and helping me accept now W has taken a decision I cannot to anything about.

I have received some compliments from female friends I had never heard before, must be that I am more in shape than ever and that helps a lot with my low self esteem problem at the moment. I think a lot about those words from LH19 about making things worse and feeling things are going down. The more I feel I am finally stopping trying to save my M, the more I feel is dead. What I mean is that one cannot help think about the other person in the sense of, she just wants time to go by and the more time passes, the further in the past our life together and our good memories.

I review the rules almost daily and I think about the things I am doing right and the ones I am doing wrong. Sandi, thanks a lot for your messages as always. I dont think I abuse the eye-looking technique, only when we are face to face and she is talking to me is when I look at her in the eyes but I had never thought about cutting communication when she comes back to her WAW cr@p, I will incorporate this tip in my toolbox.

She was a stay at home mom and is not that I had the greatest salary in the UK and my first two jobs in Germany. I have always pushed myself to improve and get a better position at work because I wanted to give our children the best and I might have over pushed myself.

The concept of family, that nightmare. I have fully embraced the idea of being happy and the best I can be as the man I want to be (alone now), yet I see us as incomplete, not that I need a woman next to me, more that I would like my children to have both their father and mother there, I know it is not in my hands now. I dont think so much about what W is doing and with who, I think I am improving very slowly but finally improving.

This situation s@cks, fighting for your M a year after separation and alone is a terrible feeling. Every morning I renew my decision to fight for my M and family and I commit to making the most of the things I can control now but this is not a walk of roses. I feel alone, I still feel I failed to my children and I have not accepted my W does not love me anymore, but this board is fuel to keep going. Eventually, I will be happy, with or without her.

Thank you all for your support and time! hugs, Packs