Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

I know he is asking for more time, but I don't know how much longer I can wait, because I do know that I want and deserve more and I told him this today.

Ok this is where you contradict yourself. If you love him and believe this is due to depression why not give him time?

I've given him 18 months. He asked for more time 12 months ago (and 15 months ago and 9 months ago) and all he did was carry on an EA and then leave anyway. He was on ADs back then as well

I don't actually think he is going to walk anytime soon so I don't really understand why I am in my own turmoil right now, and can't sit with this and shut up and see what pans out over the next few weeks of MC.

I keep asking you PM99. What are you afraid of and you won't answer me.

I want the pain to end. I want to know if he's in or out. I'm afraid of more and more pain. I'm afraid of going through the S all over again.

He did open the cage door, he left and he came back. I am his comfort and security, when I'm not there, he has a deep need for me (his words).

Sounds like you are more his Mommy then his W.

I'm something other than a wife. He doesn't see me as a wife does he. I'm his friend.

I have told him he is free to leave.

Did you really think you could prevent him from staying?

No, but I think sometimes he has felt guilty about hurting me and stayed longer than he would have done. I've told him he cant stay for guilt. Even though he's come back, he doesn't have to stay because he thinks he should, or because of the devastation, the upset kids etc

Perhaps you are right re the Covid thing - I don't know what would've happened with EAP had he not been unable to travel away every week.

What does your gut tell you?

Don't know - I don't know enough facts, I don't know if what he told me is the truth (about how he ended it). I do know he had feelings for her that went beyond friendship and into the realms of desire

Sometimes I do feel that the kindest thing would be to let him go. But I just cant do that right now - it's not what I want.

So is this all about what you want? And what do you want?

I want my marriage to work. I don't want to give up if I'm just trying to push him too fast. I've read about R & P - I know he is on his own timeline. Why am I trying to push too fast - he's back, he's doing MC, he says he wants to try.... What more could I ask for right now? I know romantic feelings might take a while to come back...I guess my worry is if that is even likely. I mean, we were in a pretty bad place for several years before BD. He says he wants those feelings to come back, but at the same time, they've been switched off for so long I don't even know if it's feasible. And he's describing wanting feelings that I'm not sure you even get after 20 years together. But then again, I dont know what's 'normal', or what other people experience in a long-term marriage.