LH... I concur. What you wrote is EXACTLY what happened in my marriage. Exactly. Seems so fixable, doesn’t it? Also the part about not believing in the changes she sees until she believes he doesn’t need her. So true. Of course, by the time that happens, many LBSs have changed so much they now longer want their WAS. That is certainly true in my case. Either way...life does get better. Thanks for sticking around.
LH... I concur. What you wrote is EXACTLY what happened in my marriage. Exactly. Seems so fixable, doesn’t it?
Most are very fixable. The problem is the are so many variables that come in after B drop. Brian chemicals, hormones, resentment, A/Ps and all logic goes out the window and decisions are based on emotions. One of my favorite quotes is "when decisions are based on emotions there are sure to be consequences". Think about people who are willing to give up half their time with children, financial security, friends and family for some guy/girl they just formed a connection with recently. Crazy right?
I think part of the problem like many things in this county is that people are not educated enough. Women don't understand what hormones do to their feelings. People don't know that in general your 40s are generally the most unhappiest years of your life. Men don't understand woman or attraction.
Well, bottom-line; her desire to have a joint CT session has me concerned, I don't think it will be positive. I think I should ask why she decided to agree to a joint session. I'd rather know what I'm walking into next week.
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
Well, bottom-line; her desire to have a joint CT session has me concerned, I don't think it will be positive. I think I should ask why she decided to agree to a joint session. I'd rather know what I'm walking into next week.
This is ok to do just do not react emotionally to her answer. Remember to listen and validate.
I have found the gut is usually correct in these matters.
LH... I concur. What you wrote is EXACTLY what happened in my marriage. Exactly. Seems so fixable, doesn’t it?
Most are very fixable. The problem is the are so many variables that come in after B drop. Brian chemicals, hormones, resentment, A/Ps and all logic goes out the window and decisions are based on emotions. One of my favorite quotes is "when decisions are based on emotions there are sure to be consequences". Think about people who are willing to give up half their time with children, financial security, friends and family for some guy/girl they just formed a connection with recently. Crazy right?
Yes! That is the most frustrating part for me, and I imagine most LBSs. My W and I have had no major blowout fights. There's been no domestic/alcohol/substance abuse, finances are good, no infidelity (until her this year)...etc. Sure we've disagreed on the childrens' nutrition and screen-time and some purchases, but to your point...
How could WAS/WSs possibly think losing out on half of the childrens' lives and splitting up the finances easier than working through those types of disagreements...for a person they've known for a month or two? It does sound crazy. It seems ludicrous. But I guess they're not thinking like that at all. To them it's much bigger of deal and seems impossible to continue feeling like they do.
Last edited by BL42; 08/27/2003:37 PM.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
Well, this is how it went down. It was a pleasant conversation.
I asked her about the CT session, and what did she expect to get out of it. Apparently W got the impression from her solo CT session that I didn't get what W meant; "that W was not interested in fixing the marriage," and W said she wanted to use that session to make sure I knew. So, it was confirmation of the BD, not R. The CT mentioned a hypothetical or something about me being a better husband, etc, and would that change her mind. So W wanted a joint session to make sure I knew
Some caveats...
I told her point blank. I wanted her happy, and that's it, but that what I'm doing, I'm doing for me, "not to get her back." It was a very good conversation, there was no arguing, or anything. We laughed more than anything else. It was very understanding.
At one point she asked again, if I knew how she felt, and I said, "yeah, you don't want to fix the marriage." To which she asked me, "so you know what that means?" I said, "yes," and she said, "well," and I said, that you want to separate, and she nodded. If someone needs to be the adult and be the first to use real words, I guess that's what I'll do; no biggie.
We also agreed to be the best co-parents we could be, which made me feel better; worst case scenario wise.
She said her reasoning was that she was convinced that we both have different "priorities" or "life goals" or "ways of dealing with things" that are too incompatible. I will say, before my medical conditions were properly fixed, yeah, she was right, but that wasn't always the case. I'd manage my money and time poorly. I lost more jobs than I want to admit. Depression and sleep apnea took their toll until I got both under control. So if there's any chance at DBing I have to tear down this wall that insists that we are so different. Job, money, life goals. I did mention that those things are not compatible with my goals either, and that's what I'm working towards, but she quickly made sure I knew she was done with the relationship no matter what I do now. I didn't argue. Just validated her concerns.
She said she wanted to keep the joint CT session to get some direction on where to go now. I don't know if I want to do that session or not.
Anyways, that's where I'm at now. Any advice for what I should do?
Thanks again!
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
You go out and live a kick a$$ life. Maybe one day she may want to join you. She’s done right now and will be for a very long time. If you want to reconcile you will need infinite patience.
Honestly... I don’t think I would do the joint session. You don’t need it to be good co-parents. You made some good strides in your conversation and that’s probably enough for now. If you do go though, make sure you really prepare for it mentally. Ask yourself what your goal would be for going. Is it the same as hers? If not, I’d skip it as it could easily set you back. (((HUGS)))
So today has been an emotional roller coaster. I don’t want my family torn apart, but that’s what she wants. I don’t want to see my son just half the time, but she’s somehow made peace with that too.
I want to see all of what he does and the places he goes. Not just half of them. I can’t get past that. I wanted to retire and grow old with her. Plant gardens, go on RV trips. It’s all fading away.
We still get along very well in the same house, it’s still happy. Our son is happy. But she’s not going to change her mind (her words). She’s not mean or vindictive, neither am I. She couldn’t even tell me she wanted to separate, I had to say it for her. Is she doing this not out of genuine desire, but some sort of other conflict or coercion?
This isn’t right. I can show her a better me. She wants to be 100% done, but she knows she isn’t. I know for 100% sure I am not.
I have to take the emotion out of it. This crippling depression and anxiety can control my destiny.
"I will not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass over me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain."
