But thinking that bad things won't happen won't work for me.
I do not promote pretending bad things won’t happen. Of course bad stuff happens; not all the bad stuff though.
My message is about rationalizing the fear. Accepting it. And therefore having fear lose it’s hold upon you.
Originally Posted by Gerda
What do you say about that?
It looks like you are questioning how to live, laugh, and love in a post-fear world; after the fearful event has happened and you have survived the fall out. I am sorry, my other posts were in response to your anxiety when dealing with divorce issues from H and his L. If we were actually sitting across from each other, and enjoying that wonder coffee and chocolate, we’d sure figure a lot more out. Of course I’d probably be 100 pounds heavier - in my virtual world you are a fantastic cook and baker.
The question of why to continue when so many fears have come to pass.
I have had enough events I feared come to pass as well. When I say my fears “actually didn’t come true” I mean that as written. This is two pronged. Some triggering events have happened. As those became closer and closer to reality, and eventual became reality, the fear becomes less and less. Fear lives in our imagined future, not within actual present. Things tend to uncouple as they move from fearful expectation to concerning reality.
The other “didn’t come true” is that my fears aren’t those triggering events. They are deeper. Like pain and death and such. These events just triggered those irrational fears, and the likelihood of serious pain or injury or abandonment or whatever was basically nil - it just felt like it wasn’t.
Why to continue seems like depression not fear. Doesn’t it?
Now, as you’ve said many times, I am the most glass half full guy you’ve ever met. Depression happens before acceptance. It’s normal and healthy to question and become depressed about life, choices, change, and so on. It’s our minds and emotions solidifying our reality. Getting ready to fully embrace and accept things.
I do remember a period of time after D when I slowed my conversations here. Pulled back for a bit. There are many steps where this happens; after a big change or decision, when letting go of something (happens each and every time we let go something anew), after processing something be it realized or not. This temporary dimming precedes our acceptance.
Grief is our emotions working to understand a loss. Something taken away or has changed and we experience a loss, and we grieve. Even if the loss is for the better, we still grieve it. That was an unexpected learning for me.
My separation and divorce stopped all angry and hurtful outburst from XW to me. I missed those. Sure, that loss was for the better. Yet I missed those outbursts. Depression heralds acceptance. Fear not.
Lots is changing in your life. Much of it is for the better. And still you need to grieve and come to emotional terms with it.
Have faith, the world will look much brighter in a little while.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
