Well done Sage, sounds like the perfect response! I still dont get what goes on in their minds when they seem to believe that S/D means that life will go on as normal, just that they get to sleep with someone else as well. The fantasy S/D scenario is so warped - I remember early on H and I talked about our M and he said even if we get D he still wanted us to all go on annual holiday together. At the time he'd just started his EA and obviously it had never occurred to him that I might have my own BF who would want to come on holiday with me.
What is happening with the split time? Do you have an agreement in place? Is he being difficult?
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I have been spending more time on the MLC board, but thought I would do a quick update here.
H wanted to come over for a visit on my actual birthday and I said no thank you. It was so hard to say that and so against my inclusive, forgiving nature. But the day before we had a discussion about the children and it turned into a gaslighting, spewing monster session and I just didn't want to deal with that. I am continuously shocked at his behavior towards me. I know I shouldn't be surprised by now, but I can't seem to let that old H go, the one that was adoring and loving and kind and affectionate. My heart expects him back at any moment, even though my brain tells me that he is long gone.
I went NC for the following few days and then we had yet another spewing session on our child exchange yesterday. This time he told me that his mother thinks I am controlling and a steamroller and some other nasty things. It made me cry, even though I didn't want to. Why does he have to build an army against me? I would never tell him if someone said something mean about him, ever. When I told him that, he turned it on me and said 'see how psychologically abusive you are? Great, now I get to live the rest of my life wondering who had said negative things about me.' The sad thing is, I don't let people talk negatively about him in my presence, he is the father of my children and was the love of my life.
This all makes me so sad, for my kids especially. All the lip service to doing this amicably, putting the kids first, etc etc etc all goes out the window the minute he sees me. It's as if I was the one who cheated and pulled out of the marriage. His anger is so toxic.
We are moving all communication to email, which will hopefully allow the toxicity to end. He moved out to find his happiness, but he is angrier than ever.
Hi Sage, I'm sorry to read how this is playing out, and how he is swinging wildly between wanting to be your BFF and next thing giving you a full-blown character assassination.
Do you really think your MIL said that about you? Chances are she didn't, or chances are that she responded to some fabrication of his, and was not reflecting on you at all. If MIL has dealt with a broken M herself (which I think I read on your MLC thread?) then I would go as far to say that she knows that there are two sides to every marriage breakup story.
H sounds like he is terribly confused and still needs to convince himself that he is doing the right thing. He left because he blamed you for making him unhappy. And he has left and is still unhappy....he will continue to find some way to blame you for making him unhappy. He will continue to convince himself that you are unreasonable, abusive, because that is all he has to cling on to for his rationale for leaving you. Well done for going NC - that too probably made him angry! Don't take it personally Sage, don't let him drag you down with him. x
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I finally was able to emotionally handle reading some other's posts. I have been in survival mode since my husband moved out 7 weeks ago. Sage, your H sounds a lot like mine. The taking everything personally, attacking you verbally, wanting his EA/PA (in my case it is a friend he claims he is just "friends" with but they get along oh so well) yet also wanting to be good friends with you.
I had a milestone birthday 3 weeks after he moved out and WAH wanted to participate in all the birthday things with me. I was astounded and even though I really wanted to say yes, I told him heck no. It was really hard as it was the first birthday in 16 years I have spent without him, but I am glad I stood my ground. I hope you got to enjoy your day and I'm sorry you had to spend it in the middle of all this mess. Hang in there.
Rachel...my advice to you is to read as many threads and posts as you can. I did and it helped me immensely. There is strength in numbers and real comfort in knowing you are not alone. You can also learn from others’ mistakes which is an added bonus. Sorry for the hijack Sage.
Just wanted to second everything Pommy said. You have no idea what your MIL really said and also what she's heard from him. You also know in your bones that what he's saying is BS-- the brokenness inside him is driving him to say terrible things in order to convince himself he's doing the right thing. The fact that he's continuing to be so unhappy and poisonous just shows what a bad place he's in.
My guess... though I know we're not supposed to be mindreading and above it all... is that by refusing to be his BFF and celebrate your BD with him, etc., he's seeing his fantasy D situation start to disintegrate. Of course that is awful for him, and it is all your fault, since if you would only have gone along with what he wanted and been a happy and supportive ex-W who is so glad to be BFFs with her ex and so glad he's found true love, he would have everything he wanted. Now he doesn't get that anymore and of course is blaming you.
I'm going to guess you'll be the recipient of more bile for awhile if you don't go NC. He has no-one else to lash out at but you, unless he's going to start looking at himself. That can't happen if you're still around to feed his narrative that you're the reason for all his problems. So I say stick with the NC as much as possible and just do your very best not to get drawn into his cr@p.
Hopefully, the NC and moving communication to email is letting you get some light into the situation and keeping you from getting sucked into his mess.
HUGS.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
Thank you Pommy, Rachel and May (and DV, hijack all you want, girl, always!)
I was re-reading old texts the other day and one at the beginning of the summer where my MIL thanked me for the magical summer we had last year and how sad she was that we weren't able to recreate it this year (Covid). Did she say those things about me that H relayed? Probably. But is it the whole truth? Probably not. Moving on, it's all just noise.
Originally Posted by may22
You also know in your bones that what he's saying is BS-- the brokenness inside him is driving him to say terrible things in order to convince himself he's doing the right thing. The fact that he's continuing to be so unhappy and poisonous just shows what a bad place he's in.
I know this deep down, but it makes me concerned for his mental well-being. Especially as he has my children for part of the time. Nothing I can do at this point, but move along and keep one eye always open for the well-being of my children.
Originally Posted by may22
My guess... though I know we're not supposed to be mindreading and above it all... is that by refusing to be his BFF and celebrate your BD with him, etc., he's seeing his fantasy D situation start to disintegrate. Of course that is awful for him, and it is all your fault, since if you would only have gone along with what he wanted and been a happy and supportive ex-W who is so glad to be BFFs with her ex and so glad he's found true love, he would have everything he wanted. Now he doesn't get that anymore and of course is blaming you.
I'm going to guess you'll be the recipient of more bile for awhile if you don't go NC. He has no-one else to lash out at but you, unless he's going to start looking at himself. That can't happen if you're still around to feed his narrative that you're the reason for all his problems. So I say stick with the NC as much as possible and just do your very best not to get drawn into his cr@p.
This. SO true. My intuition has been yelling at my to get the F out of the way. That if I want to truly protect and potentially save him, he needs the space to figure out vis-a-vis his own undoing. And his own (fingers-crossed) remaking.
The spewing and vileness has continued. My therapist shared that mentally ill people need strong boundaries, which I have recently implemented with tentative positive results. Not in a marriage-saving way, but in a me-saving way. The further along in this process I get, the more detached I get. In fact, at this very moment, I really want nothing to do with him, I want OUT of this destructive relationship and his human horror show.
His EAP sent presents to my kids. I want to vomit. It's one thing to gaslight me, but don't you dare gaslight my children into sending a thank you cards to the very person that has destroyed their life as they know it. I need advice as to what I should do...
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Re gifts- havent had gifts sent to my kids but when H went with ow and kids for a day out they come back with a keyring that had a picture of all 4 of them..... needless to say its in the bin! I mean i didn't react at all, but after a couple of weeks whilst tidying up my sons room the keyring disappeared along with some toys that they have bought that day.
I can also relate to mh issues, im starting to think that my H behaviour has little to do with waywardness but there are bigger issues at play. And i of course want to help him, but i stay clear and just keep an eye on the kids. I think this is the only way to go, because firstly he doesnt thibk he has issues and secondly he wouldn't take my advise anyway.
Gigi - That key ring with a pic of the four of them makes me want to vomit on your behalf. Some people have zero class.
Sage: RE: gifts from unwanted sources. Out of your control, I’m afraid. If your H wants them to get gifts from her, they will get them. So no point in trying to run interference, IMO. But...I would not facilitate any writing of thank you cards. Good for you for not reacting. If you want your kids to get through this as unscathed as possible, you need to get good at that.
My H introduced our kids to OW three months before I found out about his double life...as the mother of a student of his (lie - kid went to his school but was never in his class). After that it was as his roommate until eventually they got used to her and she just became part of their dad’s life. I remember thinking how unfair and inappropriate it was. I would have loved to tell them EXACTLY what their dad did and OW’s part in it. But...in the end, I chose better not bitter (thanks to the folks on here) and I kept my kids out of it as much as possible (they were 10...they figured some things out on their own) and never made them feel bad for wanting to see their dad or for liking OW. And now that I am happy and doing well, I am really, really glad I did. They spend 50% of their time with their dad and OW. If anything ever happened to me, they would spend 100% of their time with them so it is important to me that they feel comfortable, safe and guilt-free when they are with them. Even though XH and OW don’t deserve it, my kids do.
Anyway...that’s an opinion from someone who has walked a mile in your shoes and made it to the end. I never thought I would get there. If you read my thread from my early days, you will see how devastated I was. But little by little, step by step, I let go of him and the life I thought I would lead and began to embrace the one I do have...and it’s a really good one. You can get there too. (((HUGS)))
