Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

If you read my last couple of threads you will see that it took my W 2 years to start passionately, open mouth (with tongue) kissing me again! I would get worried that meant something (lots of theories out there about spouses, espeically wives, not kissing like that). She started doing that again in the last few months. But if I had started pushing for it verbally it probably would have been a disaster.

Interesting that you raise the point about kissing Steve. H has been saying that when we kiss it doesn't feel passionate. This of course made me paranoid about how I kiss him but I knew that even if I kissed him differently, it wouldn't change anything. He will have to get there on his own.

Never Ever Ever is fear the place to operate from because it makes people needy and desperate. That is why it is so important to work on yourself to become a person only a fool would leave. If you were at that place you wouldn't care whether he stayed or left.

I'm learning to sit with my feelings of fear and insecurity and not bring him into them. I managed this one evening, I felt terrible but acted 'as if'. It did make me feel better and more in control. when I feel in control I don't feel needy. I really need to work on this, however as it doesn't come naturally and I'm not always good at hiding my emotions (I tend to withdraw rather than outburst and H always notices when I withdraw).



Ok journaling...

H admitted 2 days ago that he is feeling really depressed and unhappy. This never makes me feel good, not just because of him, but because of me as well. Being told that your H is unhappy is never a good thing to hear. It has brought me down over the last couple of days. It exacerbates my insecurities and makes me feel like he is about to walk again. In turn, this makes H feel guilty that he is not giving me what I need or being the H he feels he should be. The guilt brings him down even further.

Today we had MC. MC has suggested that H is putting too much pressure on himself for trying to feel what he doesn't feel, or worrying about not giving me what he feels he should be giving me. Predominanty this is about those feelings of intense love and passion that are missing for H. MC says he needs to focus on what IS happening right now and not what ISN'T happening. I was able to speak about the many positive changes that are taking place in our relationship, the better communication, the honesty, the closeness, the trust we are building. It was good to call these out, as H naturally wants to fix what he sees as a problem, but at the moment is not able. But there is a lot that was broken that we are slowly fixing. Some bits are harder than others. MC asked what it would feel like if the guilt about hurting me or not being able to fix everything right now was to disappear. H said it would feel good, it would take some of the pressure off. I see where you guys are all coming from when you talk about pressure. I need to learn more about what is pressure - some things are obvious (like saying "you never tell me you love me"), but what about when I tell him when I feel down. Where is that line between being open and honest about how you feel, and honesty amounting to pressure? This is a difficult one for me, as H will sense when something is wrong and ask me, and sometimes I just want to sit with my feelings awhile rather than tell him straight away "hey I feel really insecure today". It's a lose-lose. If he senses something is wrong (and I don't tell him what is bothering me), he feels guilt that he's upsetting me; if I tell him what's wrong, he'll feel guilt that he's upsetting me. How do I handle this?

After our session we talked awhile about how we both feel that there is no pain-free route out at the moment; that S/D is painful, and a M that we are struggling to fix is equally as painful. He's made it clear again that S/D is a last resort. But he also said sometimes he feels like he is swimming against the tide. I did admit I feel like this too. But again, reminding myself of the 'Piecing' thread has helped - that we're on different timelines, we go forwards, we go backwards, that sometimes we will feel like giving up, but to accept that this is a long process. H got upset during the session again. I think he is really scared that he knows what he wants to feel but feels none of it with me, and he says it's killing him from the inside.