KC, FTR, I do see you making progress. I wanted to make sure to add this because you seem to think I was saying earlier that you had made none at all. Yes, you seem to be in a better place than you were 6 months ago. Not as much as other LBSs, but we all move on at our own pace.
You got this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KitKat, I love all the advice you give to me and others on this board. When i read them, it’s almost like a different KK is writing them. Could you make space in your head for an exercise? The exercise being this: take a moment to quiet your mind and your reaction to H and think about what you would objectively advise another person on this board? Step put of your own mind for a moment and pretend you are a stranger to yourself. What would you advise her? What wisdom would you impart? How would you deliver that wisdom and what would you expect her next post to say?
Channel your deep wisdom and apply it to your own situation. You are clearly wise. You are clearly loving. You are clearly a good person. Give your best self to YOURSELF right now. You deserve it.
When your H left for another life, he also abandoned the right to infringe, provoke or have any say on your life right now. And as hard as it is, liberation is a two-way street. You also don’t have a right to infringe, provoke or have any say on HIS life at the moment. Getting cozy with this concept will help you to detach. And detachment will lead to your best opportunity for R, your best opportunity for a new life.
My own head is clogged with emotions --- regret, saddness, inability to work it out. Emotions cloud direction and logic.
As I have already posted I boxed his mail that was piling up here and spend the $20 to mail to him. I got confirmation it was delivered at 1pm yesterday. Within the hour I get this text -
H: thank you for forwarding the mail?
Whatever dude. 1) you could have said nothing, 2) you could have just stopped at thank you, 3) what the heck does the ? mean?
Anyway - no reply from me.
I contacted my atty this am about where we are at on the declarations and where we disagree - could we skip a portion as neither of us think it is relevant and some things we have agreed are divided and sign off on them.
I have access to all the W2's but I have sent my 2 most recent paystubs to him and asked the same in return. I also sent an outline of our debts/assets/valuations and what I thought our agreement was - could he confirm and had I missed anything.
It completely bites that I'm the one moving this forward but I have managed to stall for 6months and I'm sure that more than some people get. And it still stand as Legal S unless he files for D.
KK... My XH and I had a legal agreement in place within six months of BD. I really did not want to do it but in hindsight, it made things much easier. Also...at that stage, I think he was much more agreeable to terms than he would have been had he had another six months to think about it. A legal separation does not have to lead to a divorce if both parties change their minds. It does help with detachment and peace of mind though. At least that is what I found in my sitch. Once the agreement is in place, you don’t have to rush towards divorce. You can leave it up to him to file if you want. My XH filed...enough time passed so it barely registered with me when the divorce was final. I know this is really hard KK. You will get through it and you won’t always feel this way. Just have faith and keep moving forward. (((HUGS)))
Whatever dude. 1) you could have said nothing, 2) you could have just stopped at thank you, 3) what the heck does the ? mean?
This is where you really are going to struggle unless you go dark. Your STBXH has no problem with you being in the friend zone. I suspect he may even enjoy that he finally has the upper hand on you. I suspect he is willing to be friends with you and will reach out even years down the road if he needs something. The challenge will be whether you have decided enough is enough and block or ignore him. But right now your hamster is spinning about the question mark. Does he mean "I can't believe after everything I put you through you are still doing me favors"? "Maybe I was wrong about her and should give her another chance"? Or "what a sucker after everything I did to her". Or maybe he accidently added a "?". YOU WILL NEVER KNOW. Waste of time and energy. BTW the way I know you want to play nice and I am ok with it to an extent. There were two ways to do the right think. Your way which displays low value. Or "hey I boxed up your mail for you, let me know the next time your in the area and I will leave it on the porch". High value!
Originally Posted by KitCat
It completely bites that I'm the one moving this forward but I have managed to stall for 6months and I'm sure that more than some people get. And it still stand as Legal S unless he files for D
I'll say it again. Take the sweet deal and the health insurance. It changes nothing towards possible reconciliation years down the road.
As I have already posted I boxed his mail that was piling up here and spend the $20 to mail to him. I got confirmation it was delivered at 1pm yesterday. Within the hour I get this text -
H: thank you for forwarding the mail?
Whatever dude. 1) you could have said nothing, 2) you could have just stopped at thank you, 3) what the heck does the ? mean?
Anyway - no reply from me.
Sending him his mail unceremoniously shows him that you are starting to detach. The thank you with the question mark was really his way of expressing his surprise that you took that action. He expected you to want him to come pick it up. Just like he expected you to want to meet to sign the disclosure. He knows you and knows what you want, so when that changes he will feel the resultant loss of control (almost all sitches get there) and he will begin reaching out more and more. I wouldn't be surprised that once you get really good at NC and start moving on with your life if he shows up, unannounced, at the house one day. It is standard WAS playbook stuff.
The next move is to start writing "address changed, return to sender" on his mail and sticking it back in the mailbox for the carrier to pick back up. He is a big boy. He moved. He needs to handle his change of address. I don't care how important the envelope may look, he needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up and be a man.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm crossing x,y and z off my list. I've given up on sitting in person to do this so I'm doing the best I can to remember what was discussed months ago as the actual split has not been addressed since he was locked out of the house.
After I sent my pay stubs and requested his I sent a spreadsheet with who was taking what debt and where those debts will end up when paid off. At this point we've already splint household items, bank accounts, and credit cards.
I was business like to the T.
But, holy cow the kick back.... He went on to say how he has been working his arse off lately and I know how much he hates working like that. (I do but he can no longer blame me.... ) How I was not going to be going after his OT. WHAT? I'm just collecting docs needed for settlement. How I had better have a settlement in writing to sign by the end of the week. SERIOUSLY??? In 2 days? Even if everything was agreed to it will not be dictated and ready in 48hr. I held my ground. Said "ok, I will take everything I have at this point to atty and let her pursue subpoena for the remainder". Ended it....
5 min later he is back at it. Saying my atty is out to screw him over.... blah blah blah. But, now he is sending me the 2 most recent pay stubs. I reminded him I tried to meet with him 3 separate times to get this done. He fired back - you did not. I reminded him "Sunday and Tuesday of last week and last Sunday". He starts complaining on who gets the equity in the time share --- I state there is NO equity, its worthless and he was welcome to keep it if he thought it had value. He wanted to argue its real estate... I told him if he could find anywhere that states it has value he was welcome to present it.... Ended it...
40min later he calls. I'm rolling my eyes. But, I answer because I want this DONE. He immediately states he owes me an apology. ((((WOW)))) - mind blown.... listening. He said he is exhausted and sleep deprived and I know how he gets with a short fuse. He was worried that if we met on Sunday while he was so tired that it would not go well. If he was leaning towards cranky and I was getting upset because I wasn't understanding something with agreement it would completely go downhill between us. And, then he had a friend who asked if he wanted to go my town.
I just said "I hear you". "That makes sense because I do know how you get."
He went on to say "I need to go home and sleep. I'm so exhausted and that is why I have a short fuse today".
I went on to "I understand. I accept your apology" (((Even though I know 100% because of the other text he sent me on Saturday that the time at X orchard was planned over 24hr in advance and you still continue to lie to me. But, I stuffed that down)))
I told him I needed to go. My car hasn't been starting correctly and I'm at the store to get it checked. H went on to be like "oh whats wrong with your car?" His tone is completely changed --- back to one I finally recognize, my old H. I said I think its either the battery or the starter and was getting the battery checked first. H is a car guru. So he starts asking this and that... I told him I had it under control that the battery had not been changed in this vehicle since it was purchased 4yr ago and it was the most likely issue. He was like yeah, that's probably the issue. I blew him off. How dare he try to save the day. I'm completely capable of wearing my own super hero cape thank you. I know it was just guilt that kicked in.... he was a complete arse, I called him out and held my ground and made it clear I can fix my own freaking car. Said again, I need to go get this taken care of... good bye.
LH is completely right --- wants to be "friendly" without really being friends.
VENT-------
Well I don't want your friendship. I was your wife for nearly 10yr. AND Dear H you are absolutely right, I know exactly how you get when you work so much OT... why??? because I was married to you for nearly 10yrs... took care of you for 10yr... made your meals, packed your lunch, did your laundry, paid the bills on time, listened to you complain and tried to make sure you had all your "toys" that you felt you deserved because other people had that. At what point will that SMACK you in the head??? Sure you are loving your freedom to come and go and do what you please but I'm sure the novelty is starting to wear a little thin at this point???
And, of course YOU feel screwed over. No one ending M comes out a winner. You still have bills but now your resources and assets are cut by 50%. That makes everyone a loser. And, oh wait you are still a liar.
Now off to finish my day!!!!
Car has new battery! Full Bazillion Wax - DONE On way to get hair color/highlights/cut ---- YEAH!! Made HUGE progress on this knitted sweater!!! Found pattern to make a felted pig with moveable joints and the pink wool arrived today!! --- SS20's fiance loves pigs!!!!
Sending him his mail unceremoniously shows him that you are starting to detach. The thank you with the question mark was really his way of expressing his surprise that you took that action. He expected you to want him to come pick it up. Just like he expected you to want to meet to sign the disclosure. He knows you and knows what you want, so when that changes he will feel the resultant loss of control (almost all sitches get there) and he will begin reaching out more and more. I wouldn't be surprised that once you get really good at NC and start moving on with your life if he shows up, unannounced, at the house one day. It is standard WAS playbook stuff.
The next move is to start writing "address changed, return to sender" on his mail and sticking it back in the mailbox for the carrier to pick back up. He is a big boy. He moved. He needs to handle his change of address. I don't care how important the envelope may look, he needs to put on his big boy pants and grow up and be a man.
You are right... even though I've really not been responding to maybe every 4th or 5th text ultimately he still knows I want to save the M.
I was tired of looking at that pile of mail and without any warning I just boxed and sent --- surprised me as much as it probably surprised him.
Yes, I agree. If any future mail slips through.... "its return to sender... address unknown... no such number... no such zone" Maybe someone on the board will get this???
Yes, I agree. If any future mail slips through.... "its return to sender... address unknown... no such number... no such zone" Maybe someone on the board will get this???
The King!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
) How I was not going to be going after his OT. WHAT? I'm just collecting docs needed for settlement. How I had better have a settlement in writing to sign by the end of the week. SERIOUSLY??? In 2 days? Even if everything was agreed to it will not be dictated and ready in 48hr. I held my ground. Said "ok, I will take everything I have at this point to atty and let her pursue subpoena for the remainder". Ended it....