The other thing bothering me is that H and I barely say anything to each other now, since his spew a month ago. I've tried to stay NC other than offering cordial hellos or good mornings, and H has been gone a lot. There hasn't even been a short exchange about the fires. I struggle with feeling like I have failed in one of my goals of staying friendly, in feeling like we are further apart than ever. I realize that it's his decision to spew and belittle me that has contributed to this more than anything I have said or done, but I still have that nagging feeling sometimes like I'm failing to do something or act a certain way, or to act like myself. Maybe it's because I'm just seeing through his warped perspective--that I'm cold and never loved him and, see, now I'm just confirming it.
Hi Cardinal, [/i]Same. Same. Same[i]...I can’t remember the last time H and I have said hello or good morning. The last interaction was a week ago and he was in fine spewing form...and now silence as well as darkness (literally won’t turn lights on when he comes upstairs ....beezare!!) I feel like this is compassionate failure as well.
Reading a lot of the advice that was posted I did find helpful. And I do think a big part of us feeling this way is because it is such foreign behaviour for us. Trust me though you are not “cold” nor did you “never love him” - this is gaslighting, searching for sense but allowing it to get twisted.
Compassion comes in many forms and sometimes the compassionate focus needs to be taken off of our H and put onto us. After all they are “living their best lives” (until they are not). We need to “right” ourselves the best way we know how with very little answers or explanations. (I’m telling myself all of this too btw....)
I remember job and dnj saying early on that actions we take as LBS’s will seem counterproductive and all wrong...but that’s when you know you’re heading in the right direction...(I hope I have the jest of that correct) Maybe that’s what this is Cardinal, as may22 said:
Originally Posted by may22
I don't think you have any obligation to be chit-chat friendly with your H. i know it feels weird and wrong and like you're the bad guy... but you aren't. I really truly don't think you are breaking a commitment to yourself to be a compassionate human being when you stay silent. Silence can be incredibly uncomfortable but it can also be peace-bringing and healing. And when you are putting your friendliness and kindness out to someone who cannot return it in kind, maybe it is actually kinder to simply say nothing. Don't put him into a situation where he feels like he maybe needs to say something in return and he simply isn't capable of doing that well right now. Does that make sense? By giving him silence instead of opening the door for interaction, you are preventing an opportunity for him to spew which is better not only for you but for him as well.
Maybe it is taking some more of the pressure off of them?
Have you baked anything lately? I think I’m due to make some brownies .....yummmmmm (((Cardinal))) K
