[quote=LH19] Frankly, emotions are tough. Its always easier to give a friend advice because you have no emotional attachment to whatever the outcome.
I agree 100%. That is why there are very little recons on this board prior to D. When you can't control your emotions you act out of desperation and the WW can smell the stench of it a mile away and it just solidifies they are making the right choice.
KK I think it is ok to apologize if you are doing it without expectation and it helps easing the guilt. You'll get through this one way or another. It's up to you if you want to make things more difficult for yourself.
I've been working very hard on controlling my emotions. I think that's why I get stuck on the phone with him for an hour. I'm just being calm. Answer direct questions and let him talk... and let him talk... I try to only ask organic questions that let him know I was listening and hearing him. But, I have not been giving up any personal info unless asked - like when he asked about S19 at college.
I try to come across as completely neutral.
But, I see I need to be stronger and that when business items are taken care of I politely end the call.
LH I do not think he is ready for me to apologize??? Its one thing to say you are sorry but you need to provide action to back that up and he is going to feel that perhaps I haven't had enough time to do that?
I cannot control him. I cannot control whether or not he hears my apology, accepts my apology, knows my apology is sincere. But, I also know timing is important.
Apologies are rarely for the person receiving . It’s usually so the person apologizing can feel better about themselves.
What do you want for the apology? Do you want him to accept it so you can feel better ? Or for him to accept it and hear it so he will consider things have changed and come back to the M? Or do you truly want to apologize so HE can feel better ?
Again if you truly love him and are truly sorry for how you treated him in the marriage and you truly want him to be happy then your action is that sign the papers, you walkway and you never look back.
Apologies are rarely for the person receiving . It’s usually so the person apologizing can feel better about themselves.
What do you want for the apology? Do you want him to accept it so you can feel better ? Or for him to accept it and hear it so he will consider things have changed and come back to the M? Or do you truly want to apologize so HE can feel better ?
Always look at your intentions behind what you do
I'm not asking for forgiveness.
And if you noticed I stated I wanted to apologize but that I was sitting with it for now. So, I'm clearly trying to make sure I'm doing it for the right reasons.
The apology is basically a statement that he was right and I was wrong.
What do I have to gain from that?? Truly nothing. He certainly could use to to justify his choices to everyone by stating that even I told him he was right and I was wrong. I would have no control over what or how he handled it --- that doesn't bother me... maybe it just inflates his ego more?
I want to say its the right thing to do --- but I know I need to sit with it longer.
When I was a teenager I did something that hurt my friends feelings. I was being selfish in the moment and doing something for myself and bailed on her. I was a teenager.... ANYWAY, she let me know it hurt her. And, I knew I was responsible and I felt terrible. I knew that just saying I'm sorry was not enough. She had every right not to talk to me. I accepted her choice to avoid and not speak to me. I was pretty bummed for 2-3 weeks knowing it was my fault. When I felt she might be more receptive to at least hearing my apology 3 weeks later, I gave it. Wanted to let her know I was really sorry, understood how she felt and she had every right to continue to feel that way and I had had a lot of time to realize I had not considered her feelings - I accepted her decision to continue to remain distant if she choose. She decided to forgive me but made sure I knew how I had hurt her... she is still my bff to this day. I realized that teenage girls do these things and 3 weeks to a teen is an eternity... LOL.
So I realize that part of an apology is actually taking the time to really think about your actions, the effect of those actions on someone else and making changes to make sure you don't keep making the same mistakes.
Again if you truly love him and are truly sorry for how you treated him in the marriage and you truly want him to be happy then your action is that sign the papers, you walkway and you never look back.
Anything else is KK manipulation and control.
Ironically he is the one that needs to sign the current paperwork ---- not me, mine's signed.
As I've said before I was standing for my marriage. If he wants the D - that's on him. I cannot stop him but I don't have to help him. The best I can currently muster is to live my own life not pushing one way or the other but certainly leaving him out of the current equation.
As I've said before I was standing for my marriage. If he wants the D - that's on him. I cannot stop him but I don't have to help him. The best I can currently muster is to live my own life not pushing one way or the other but certainly leaving him out of the current equation.
KK it's fine I get it. You are on the other side of 50 and are afraid of being alone. I get it. I was too. I just want you to see it for what it is all about. The loss of stability and control. It's not about love and it never is because if it was true, mutual respect and love between two people you wouldn't be here.
You are not going to leave any stone unturned because that has worked for you in the past in everything you do in life. For G sakes you put your mind to it and dropped 30 pounds because your STBXH called you fat.
People love linear systems and immediate feedback -- I press the lever and I get a pellet. I can understand that.
Relationships aren't that simple. If you weren't meeting his needs, chances are he wasn't meeting your needs either, and the reasons for that are many and varied. A relationship is an equilibrium between two personalities, and its state is a reflection of both contributions to it.
After the bomb drops we can do everything to try to stop the run away train but when the dust settles the reality is simple.
As I've said before I was standing for my marriage. If he wants the D - that's on him. I cannot stop him but I don't have to help him. The best I can currently muster is to live my own life not pushing one way or the other but certainly leaving him out of the current equation.
KK it's fine I get it. You are on the other side of 50 and are afraid of being alone. I get it. I was too. I just want you to see it for what it is all about. The loss of stability and control. It's not about love and it never is because if it was true, mutual respect and love between two people you wouldn't be here.
You are not going to leave any stone unturned because that has worked for you in the past in everything you do in life. For G sakes you put your mind to it and dropped 30 pounds because your STBXH called you fat.
People love linear systems and immediate feedback -- I press the lever and I get a pellet. I can understand that.
Relationships aren't that simple. If you weren't meeting his needs, chances are he wasn't meeting your needs either, and the reasons for that are many and varied. A relationship is an equilibrium between two personalities, and its state is a reflection of both contributions to it.
After the bomb drops we can do everything to try to stop the run away train but when the dust settles the reality is simple.
Read my tag line.
I do get what you are saying....
And, you are right... he did refer to me being overweight... truth was he was too.
Did I lose the weight for him? NOPE --- I was not happy with the weight gain. I was stuck and it fed into my self esteem. My H was still putting his arms around me and still wanted my affection. I pulled away.. I felt less than... I felt he deserved better that what I was at the moment.
HE JUST WANTED HIS WIFE.
So when I tried to open up he was just so hurt - the constant rejection that his response was in anger which I internalized as severe criticism. In my head I wanted him to state - lets work on this together. I wanted him to read my mind. Did I ever speak up about - hey, I'm not feeling so great about myself. I'm avoiding spending time with you and socializing with your friends because I'm just not comfortable in my own skin. Can we work out together, walk together, etc.
I never opened my mouth.
Of course he can't mind read. He thinks I'm just deliberately having nothing to do with him because there is something wrong with him.
Does that make calling me fat right? NOPE. But, he just felt so rejected.
I realized it was always up to me. Get off my arse and do something. I knew deep down I would feel so much better getting the weight off and being active --- it was just getting going. He always found me sexy when I was working out... I knew this. I had so many other issues in my head at the time that were my issues and just as I had internalized his anger and confusion to what I was doing... he did the same.
After BD and I got my crap together and I was back to working out and making a true effort to find myself again... then the texts about how I stabbed him in the back. He was genuinely angry that now that he decided he was done I started to get out of my own head and start taking pride in myself again.
Its all too little too late. Can he trust me? Is this just a bid to get him to stay? All the typical things that get questioned.
So the weight loss was for me --- I'm nearly in a good place. I'd like to lose a little more. I get compliments daily on how amazing I look.
But, yes it took him leaving for me to truly get to what was holding me back. I realized that much of my anger with him at different times is I expected him to mind read or just know. And, that as dumb and clearly something I have to do better with in the future.
If you do so choose you can take all the blame but unfortunately, the hardest thing for you right now is to realize there's nothing you can actively do that will change what he's going to do. Nothing.
You need to accept that, process it, surrender to it. That is the hardest part of all of this, the situation, in terms of what he does, cannot be changed by you. It's too late for that now.
If you want to reconcile, you're in a waiting game, and the only course of action that leads to reconciliation, IMO, is emotional distance and not actively trying to fix *ANYTHING* between you because that ship has sailed.
Distance from him emotionally, but be happy, upbeat, successful and positive on your own. Fake it until you make it. That is quite literally all you can do and that is a very bitter pill to swallow.
If you do so choose you can take all the blame but unfortunately, the hardest thing for you right now is to realize there's nothing you can actively do that will change what he's going to do. Nothing.
You need to accept that, process it, surrender to it. That is the hardest part of all of this, the situation, in terms of what he does, cannot be changed by you. It's too late for that now.
If you want to reconcile, you're in a waiting game, and the only course of action that leads to reconciliation, IMO, is emotional distance and not actively trying to fix *ANYTHING* between you because that ship has sailed.
Distance from him emotionally, but be happy, upbeat, successful and positive on your own. Fake it until you make it. That is quite literally all you can do and that is a very bitter pill to swallow.
Thank you for this....
And, no I am not taking all the blame for this. Only whats on my side of the street. He has his own short comings that he needs to master as well.
I'm working hard to keep the focus on me. I cannot control anything that he does. Doesn't mean I won't have my hard moments.
