As I've said before I was standing for my marriage. If he wants the D - that's on him. I cannot stop him but I don't have to help him. The best I can currently muster is to live my own life not pushing one way or the other but certainly leaving him out of the current equation.
KK it's fine I get it. You are on the other side of 50 and are afraid of being alone. I get it. I was too. I just want you to see it for what it is all about. The loss of stability and control. It's not about love and it never is because if it was true, mutual respect and love between two people you wouldn't be here.
You are not going to leave any stone unturned because that has worked for you in the past in everything you do in life. For G sakes you put your mind to it and dropped 30 pounds because your STBXH called you fat.
People love linear systems and immediate feedback -- I press the lever and I get a pellet. I can understand that.
Relationships aren't that simple. If you weren't meeting his needs, chances are he wasn't meeting your needs either, and the reasons for that are many and varied. A relationship is an equilibrium between two personalities, and its state is a reflection of both contributions to it.
After the bomb drops we can do everything to try to stop the run away train but when the dust settles the reality is simple.
Read my tag line.
I do get what you are saying....
And, you are right... he did refer to me being overweight... truth was he was too.
Did I lose the weight for him? NOPE --- I was not happy with the weight gain. I was stuck and it fed into my self esteem. My H was still putting his arms around me and still wanted my affection. I pulled away.. I felt less than... I felt he deserved better that what I was at the moment.
HE JUST WANTED HIS WIFE.
So when I tried to open up he was just so hurt - the constant rejection that his response was in anger which I internalized as severe criticism. In my head I wanted him to state - lets work on this together. I wanted him to read my mind. Did I ever speak up about - hey, I'm not feeling so great about myself. I'm avoiding spending time with you and socializing with your friends because I'm just not comfortable in my own skin. Can we work out together, walk together, etc.
I never opened my mouth.
Of course he can't mind read. He thinks I'm just deliberately having nothing to do with him because there is something wrong with him.
Does that make calling me fat right? NOPE. But, he just felt so rejected.
I realized it was always up to me. Get off my arse and do something. I knew deep down I would feel so much better getting the weight off and being active --- it was just getting going. He always found me sexy when I was working out... I knew this. I had so many other issues in my head at the time that were my issues and just as I had internalized his anger and confusion to what I was doing... he did the same.
After BD and I got my crap together and I was back to working out and making a true effort to find myself again... then the texts about how I stabbed him in the back. He was genuinely angry that now that he decided he was done I started to get out of my own head and start taking pride in myself again.
Its all too little too late. Can he trust me? Is this just a bid to get him to stay? All the typical things that get questioned.
So the weight loss was for me --- I'm nearly in a good place. I'd like to lose a little more. I get compliments daily on how amazing I look.
But, yes it took him leaving for me to truly get to what was holding me back. I realized that much of my anger with him at different times is I expected him to mind read or just know. And, that as dumb and clearly something I have to do better with in the future.
