KK I understand what you are saying about Steve's hypocrisy and judgement but he really is trying to help you. It can be frustrating because you have some really good posters giving you advice and you seem to ignore. It's like you know better then Steve, AS, Ginger, Job and myself who have seen 1,000s of these play out.
I greatly appreciate EVERYONE'S advice. This has been a long arduous journey that has been far from perfect when you throw in human emotion but I have come a long way in the last 5 months.
I don't deliberately ignore advice - but I don't list a play by play like its a sport event.
Frankly, emotions are tough. Its always easier to give a friend advice because you have no emotional attachment to whatever the outcome.
I realized that I'm being driven by emotion... and I'm working on that. To get to a place where my actions are driven by emotional reaction. Its a process and it certainly isn't linear - I have good days and bad.
Quote
For some reason you think your STBXH has no right to lie to you. You still have expectations of him. I have one expectation of my EXW. Be a good mom. (sometimes that's a stretch) Anything else leads to disappointment.
I'm working on having zero exceptions of him. Its not that I'm acting like he has no right to lie to me - he can do whatever he chooses. I'm acting like I do not need to accept his behavior of lying... and I don't. I will not deal with someone lying to me --- not interested.
Quote
This is good stuff KK. Acknowledging you break down of the marriage and working on fixing it. I just wish you would consider IC. To me that's what DB is all about. Making sure it doesn't happen again in future relationships.
That's the plan. I know at times I was down right awful to him. And, frankly he was too me too ---- when you work 12's 7 days a week on end and commute 2hr a day and don't get much sleep you can be a nasty person. I tried a lot to be understanding but sometimes I just got defensive.
After BD he was burning the candle at both ends even more. He overslept for work. I got him up and helped him get ready for work by packing his cooler, etc. He was hateful and nasty.
Later I called him out on it. I told him I knew they very last thing he ever wanted was to miss work or be late for work. He agreed. I told him I understood he was stressed and exhausted but he didn't have to treat me like garbage when I was just trying to help --- he said he wasn't treating me badly... what??? When I explained that he had he apologized.
After that night he started to say things like "thank you for getting me up", etc. Sometimes I don't think he realized how he came across when he was tired and I just internalized that as criticism which led to me being defensive.
I know the changes I'm working on in myself ---- I think I expected him to read my mind and when he didn't I would become hurt. Dumb... totally dumb but there it is.
Quote
You don't want to be friends with him period.
I know.... but I also don't want to be hateful. I thought I did a decent job of just being cordial without being overly friendly during his many trips to move out. I didn't push or ask for things and was surprised when he offerred things - to the point I did not know how to react. Still confused and maybe he was too - he followed up with nothing. Weird but whatever. Not holding on to it.
Quote
It's ok to visit but please do not live in the past. What happened happened and it couldn't happen any other way because it didn't.
I realize that. These were issues I was being hit with last week. I've processed them. I had a moment in the mix of them where I wanted to ask/apologize if any thing I did made things worse with his kids. There is one thing in particular which he hated that I did. In my head I thought I was helping, truly. In his head it came across that I was looking for something to be bad. I realized why I did it --- because I did love and care for my stepkids and felt they were slipping between the cracks. But, it would have been best if I had stayed in my lane with this particular thing. If I could go back that is definitely something I would do.
I just really had this huge urge to apologize last week for that.
Maybe someday I'll get the chance. I know 100% right now he isn't in a place to hear an apology and know its truly heart felt and from a lot of self reflection.
Either way I'm just trying to pack all the emotions and drama way at least for week.... and then try to make it a second week.
I'm proud of myself that I did not get baited into texting me back when he texted me and told me "don't be bitchy because I took a ride"... I'm glad I walked away from that.
