I don't want a divorce II NEW THREAD Pt 21

[SteveLW]

EDIT: I also think this is why you cannot bring yourself to type the words: he is a lying cheater. I think you believe deep down, that it is fixable....... If you can put all the blame on yourself (*I drove him into the OW's arms!") then it is something that can be fixed ("I have reversed the behaviors that drove him to this!"). But to admit that he is a lying cheater is to admit that he is fundamentally flawed and therefore the hope for reconciliation is almost NIL due to that.

Peace.

I thought I referred to him several times today as a liar.... or that he has been lying.... I don't think I painted him in any kind of great light today??? I thought I said very strongly I was over his elaborate lies.

I'm not sure this changed anything I said. But I'm obviously upsetting you and that's not my goal. So I'll just bow out and leave you in the capable hands of the others posting in your thread. KC I truly pray for healing for you.

Steve85 -- I'm not trying to get you to change anything you said but perhaps to realize that you are judging me with the same eyes from 4 months ago.

You are telling me that I cannot bring myself to type the words lying cheater --- yet as I pointed out I clearly stated many times in the last 24hr that he is a liar and I'm tired of his elaborate lies... so wait yes I did just type those things... right there.

You give very remarkable insight to other but you are also incredibly judgemental and forceful on your personal opinions.

You state over and over and over how many of us here have H's that are lying cheaters and worthless. Not worth saving any M with a lying cheater.

Yet you are here because you had a lying cheating spouse as well.... I'll say it again - you had a lying cheating spouse as well.

You quantify it repeatedly --- well if it was a PA I was done but it was only an EA so not as big a deal. But, really??? How do you know Steve85. We can all talk big in the moment but when faced that our loved one, our family our choices become very skewed. You came here struggling to save your M like the rest of us so you cannot know what you would do if it was a PA... you can only speculate and feel that yeah your line is the sand was solid.

Wasn't she sharing pics??? EWWWW... how is that not crossing a physical barrier??? She's getting d*ck pics and he's getting crotch pics??? These things are a more permanent record - saved to the cloud for eternity perhaps.

And, didn't you state that you were a terrible H at the time? How you repaired and worked on your short comings as an H and father?

NO. Neither one of us are responsible for the choices that others make. That is there burden to carry.

But, like you I can see the ways in which I could see why my H felt neglected and rejected. I didn't realize my actions made him feel that way and how empty he was feeling. He didn't realize how much at the time I was stuck in my own head/issues. Did I force him into OW's arms? Literally of course not. Do I see the role that I played - absolutely yes, I do. Knowing that my H's love language is physical touch did I drop the ball - yup I did. No amount of housecleaning, food prepping, getting laundry done while working a full time job myself which to me said this is how much I love you was getting the job done --- it wasn't his love language.

You made choices to change your behavior. Hoped it was enough to turn your M around and for you it was --- fantastic!!!!

But, keep in mind when you toss out telling people that they should walk away from lying cheaters and how they will always lie.... remember you decided to keep your lying cheater.

I'm well aware of the changes my H would have to make for this M to become salvageable if ever. I would never just leave my front door open for him to willy nilly come home when he wanted to.

I wore my ring because I stood for my M. For better or for worse ---- I never took that lightly. Maybe one day he will be my XH - I don't know. I don't predict the future.

But, I have created more boundaries based on his behavior on Sunday. This calling and acting like he is a friend and sharing this story and that story... all while I know he is lying. That I opted to text about said lies and even then he is texting me completely not getting it, but I want no friendship with a liar.

This has been a process. I accept and acknowledge that I am not only dealing with the implosion of my M but also a big life transition as S19 leaves the home.

I'm flooded with some painful memories from the past - why did I handle that way? Could have I handled it differently? Why would I have done or said that? Was I part of the problem with my H and his kids? Did I help or make things worse? Did I hold my stepkids to the same expectations as my son? Was that the right thing to do? Was I accommodating enough for them? Sure, there is not a parent out there that doesn't question or in hindsight would have made other choices.

I'm working through all of that. I'm making progress and peace.

Right now I accept that my H wants nothing to do with me and I'm doing my best to walk away.

Wasn't going to respond anymore but since you responded to me directly:

Yes, my wife was a lying cheater. I said that at the time. I even said it to her. And yes, while she was a lying cheater (even just an EA) there was no way to reconcile. But what I did do that you aren't willing to do, was to drop the rope and move on with my life. It wasn't until I did that....FOR ME, that she had a change of heart. But even if she hadn't, I was going to be awesome and live my best life post-D.

Sorry you see me as judgmental. Yes there are differences between PAs and EAs. In PAs you should not have sex with the cheating spouse. You should kick them out of the marital bedroom. Other than that, everything else is the same. If you read my threads you'll see that 1) yes I struggled, but 2) I also got really good at GAL, 180ing AND....DETACHMENT!! The first two were meaningless without the last one. And it was after I started really doing that last one well that she started to change her mind.

You called him a liar. Good. But he is still a cheating liar. And you still get worked up over what he says (or doesn't say) and does (or doesn't do). Until you can act "as if" no matter what he says or does you will continue to struggle.

Again, I pray for nothing else but healing for you. I think you know how many of us think your best way to do that, but that is another piece of advice you dismiss.