Through the World Barefooted -- Gerda's LBS Guide

[Gerda]

I posted this on DnJ's thread but realized I should probably have posted it here, another signpost....

Originally Posted by DnJ

Ah, perceptions and reality. I believe these people in crisis do emotionally regress back to their younger selves. They change, we’ve all seen it. The question is if this is a change or finally dropping the act or something else.

I think our spouses weren’t acting. They were those people. Life, love, us, family, changed them for the better. Just like we did with them over the many years. We both grew into different people; adults, Mothers/Fathers. Then, their past comes calling and drags them back to the very person they were. That poor soul who had no idea of the trauma they were carrying around.

As unbelievable as it is, it’s emotional time travel more than change. They are reliving their youth. My XW has three different versions of herself inside. It seems like she changes from my perception, and yes she does. But, it matters how one defines change.

We all have many different versions of ourselves within us. With a little thought, I’m sure one can conjure up feelings of their past happy childhood. Times of strife dealing with our parents. Our first love. Our first fight with our best friend. Our awkward first kiss. Our time learning to drive. And so on.
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For the majority of the time for the MLCer it is not change, nor dropping the act, it is something else - reliving their youth. They become someone else, a different angrier younger version of themselves. And that young person lacks empathy, isn’t married, doesn’t have kids, and so on.

D

I was thinking a lot about this, as you know; my thread is one of those where this topic is discussed, and sometimes I shudder to think of a newbie stumbling on my first thread, 2014, and seeing how it all played out. I don't want that newbie to lose hope based on my story.

But I was thinking of it also especially because I am preparing my nine millionth round of court papers and I came across a note my H wrote me once, well after BD, when he was about to cross fully over. I have been thinking lately that he was all bad always and the 20 years were the act, him trying to be someone he wasn't. But this note was like a door into whatever part of him was good. I think what you say above is a perfect way to think of it and I thank you for saying it!

I will paste the note below but I wanted to give you a song gift today. Taylor Swift's two new songs -- Exile with Bon Iver and Seven. And then Coldplay, "Us Against the World." The live version is particularly wonderful.

Here is the note. I know I posted it before on one of my long-ago threads. It is a good proof of your point. This was one of those momentary awakenings. I wrote something back and by then he was already gone, his response was back to the teen sans empathy and about what he owed the OW and a little while after that, how he had tried being a saint and he was done with that, it destroyed him and he was looking out for himself now. The "everyone involved" of course included wanting to not hurt OW, but it still does point to a remorse and a little empathy for me which had stopped by that time and which I basically never saw again.

I feel certain that I irreparably hurt the whole wide world last night,and many many many other nights, and I know I mostly hurt you, but also I hurt the kids, God, myself -- many many nights. This strange self-alienating trans-home, trans-self, trans-father, trans-husband, trans-friend multi-year void-abyss, this icy-cold winter is deeply cutting and wounding me and bleeding me of all life, all charity, all innocence and love. I have to believe there's a Spring beyond it. I can't see it now. I cannot see it now. I only know I have to change, that something has to change, and that I feel in this time so unworthy of a man's life and of a life-time, but not indulgently so, just honestly so - for a change. And I feel deeply sorry that I've sinned, mainly through lack of purity and charity, against you, against God, against many many others, most especially my kids. I only always pray for a new season, for an everlasting Spring, and I pray to learn what that time might look like, and how to make it a reality for me and for everyone, everyone, involved.