Thank you all, sincerely, for the kindness and support. I really, really needed that.
I do feel it’s too many stressors all piled on at once. But, this is my life right now. I try to take time to be grateful for the extra time I am getting with my magnificent child due to Covid/remote school. I am extremely grateful to have found a full time, fully remote job during all of this. It is exactly what I needed and what I hoped for to make all this work in a way that wouldn’t break me. And I have wonderful friends who support me.
May, I do try to focus on self care, especially when D5 isn’t here. I have made a little ritual of ordering takeout that she wouldn’t like on Saturday nights, staying in my pjs and watching movies and shows I wouldn’t watch with her, and face masks of course. And wine. It’s something. I’m also using Duolingo to study Italian, which I’ve wanted to learn for years. And I have a zoom session with my IC tomorrow for the first time since the fall. I LOVE her and I’m really looking forward to it.
The thing I think I need to incorporate is more exercise. I like walking and hiking but I need more, and now with all this smoke it’s not an option. I’m considering a small,,easily stowed away exercise machine (I have less than zero extra space in my tiny home).
I was thinking about self care last night. And I’m a believer and I’m into it, I promise. But (and this is obvious and not even worth saying) what I’m really wanting is for someone to take care of me. Even just for like a night. To take the burden off me and comfort me and let me lean on them. And if I’m honest that is the source of my loneliness. That void. And the knowledge that STBXH is literally down the street giving that to someone else is just...it seems surreal in its level of cruelty from the universe. I know I know I know. But it had to be said.
He continues to lack boundaries in a way that is truly bizarre. He commented that I was giving the construction crew next door quite a show by being in my bathing suit in the kiddie pool with D5. He sat on my couch and tried to show me Pictures of his (previously our) good friends’ new baby. And most bizarre, when he brought D5 to my home straight from the beach and she asked him to get in the bath with her, I made a face at him out of her line of vision to make it clear that he should not do that. He then asked me right in front of her if it was ok with me. I made the same face turned up ten notches and shrugged exaggeratedly to show clearly “NO I am not ok with that, and I don’t want to be the bad guy and this is YOUR line to draw with D5” . And what did he do? Ended up in my bathtub with her. It is so f***ing weird to me that he would do that at this point. Not to mention so uncool to ask me if it’s ok, get a very clear non verbal NO, and then do it anyway. I have held the line with him very well for some time now. I just don’t engage. I feel these behaviors bait me into engaging so he can cast me as he wishes to in his narrative. For now, I am choosing to continue that path because it feels the most detached for me. If I engage, my emotions bubble up. For now I’m going with “walk away in my head”. And also a big F**K YOU, also in my head.
