Someone was saying to me that maybe it's better to have a L who seems aggressive even if you don't necessarily "like" him or connect with him, but don't I want someone who can help diffuse conflict and not feed it in this situation?
I would say it is unlikely to find a L you like or connect with after a meeting or two.
I felt much better about my own lawyer after my separation AND the rewriting of my will. The legal altering of my will could not happen until W and I separated, I found out.
My L’s skills and expertise had been proven during separation. However, it is more than that. It’s trust. And that takes time. I had extended my faith to him for leading me, and looking after my interests during the divorce. I was not disappointed. I trusted him to understand and empathize my desires to help me craft my will accordingly. Again I was not disappointed.
And in the less than the required year, when XW served me papers, his behaviour has sealed him as a professional I would recommend. And yes, a person I like. However, our relationship is business.
Do you want someone who can defuse conflict? And not feed this situation? No you do not. You want a lawyer that can bring this situation to a timely and fair resolution. The lawyer is hired to dissolve your marriage, not save it.
There is conflict, this is divorce after all. The L’s job is to hash out those conflicts with the other L and bring you the options. And that requires feeding directly into this situation. Feeding in a way to garner you what you are negotiating for, if possible.
The very skills necessary to see the overall picture, to not prolong conflict or the situation, probably appears rather aggressive. Results oriented is an aggressive work style.
I would tend to agree to look for competent and aggressive instead of likeable. Lawyer vs counsellor, I suppose.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I struggle with feeling like I have failed in one of my goals of staying friendly, in feeling like we are further apart than ever.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I think it is just a way of being that I'm not used to--I'd rather have friendly chit chat than silence. I've never had to be in close quarters with someone who was treating me this way. I've never really been treated the way H has treated me during spew, period. And I think I still confuse remaining compassionate with being overtly friendly. Would I be overly talkative to a cashier who had yelled at me? I would probably avoid their line next time. But I wouldn't go out of my way to be unkind to them. Am I on the right track here?
I am sorry you feel you have failed with your goal of staying friendly.
I like your cashier analogy; not purposefully seeking to be unkind. At times that is all one can do to be compassionate and friendly. Avoid interaction for a while, until times allows for emotions to cool. You are avoiding H’s line is all.
Yes, you and he are further apart than ever. Unless you tried talking and pushing kindness upon him. You wisely know how that would go down and the fallout from such a confrontation. You are upon the higher path. The right track.
Compassion and friendly do somewhat get blurred. True, both can and plenty do exist within each other’s realm. It is compassion that can exist with indifference. And indifference is a way of being that takes some getting used to.
You are doing good my friend.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
