I usually suggest that LBSs keep wearing their ring until they are D'd. KC, I think you are the exception. I think that in your mind he is still your HUSBAND, and that you are still his WIFE. But for him it hasn't been that way for going on 9 months. He has moved on from you and you are stuck waiting there for him.
You realize that's an oxymoron right??? Encouraging people to wear a ring until they are divorced means that yes you ARE still a W and have an H... that's the commitment the ring symbolizes.
Wearing a ring when you don't have an H --- what are you wearing it for??? That's delusional.
You wear the ring because legally you are H and W. In the eyes of the law he is my H. A pretty crappy one at the moment but wearing a ring or not ---- yes Steve85 he is my H. Until he follows through with the D.
I'm 100% aware he is in no hurry to do the paperwork. The line in the sand has been drawn with the legal S. The rest is just semantics. I have no delusion. I'm just done doing all the hard work. He can clean up his own mess.
I have not snooped... I don't go looking... period.
I've had the address to the home he purchased since last April - the insurance company sent it to me. I have never once googled the address or zillowed the address or even when I have had to drive by his town on my way to S19 college I never detour. Not interest.
Everything is separated. We don't share accounts or credit cards. So why would he put my email address when he purchased something through square --- that is NOT on me.... that's him. He wanted me to know.
I needed to vent to a friend and while I have never been to his or OW's SM apparently my friend does go. Given how upset I was over this she decided to share something she found in efforts to make me laugh over all the stupidity of this.
She states OW is a horrible housekeeper and posts lots of selfies in this hoarder style house. I thought she was just trying to make me feel better when she mentioned one that you could literally see dog sh$t on the carpet of a selfie of OW sitting on couch in her pjs in a very cluttered mess but very clearly dog excrement right there on the carpet next to her... no mistaking it. AND, she put this on the internet. Like not a single friend would have said... uhmm... try cropping that pic??? She had to send it to me because i did not believe her.
^^^^NONE of my business but it did make me laugh that H wants to live in that kind of filth.
I don't seem to do a thing right when it comes to saving my M. That shipped has sailed too I suppose.
Well KK in all honesty I have been trying to tell you that if you were trying to recon that you were in a 2-5 year waiting game. Your goal was to wish him well and go live your life to the fullest. We had suggested IC for sure for you because although I am not a therapist I have lived with and done lots of research on narcissist and you at minimum have narc tendencies. You are still trying to control the situation and your STBXH. The fact you still have a shared calendar completely blows my mind. Your goal right now is to make him less resentful and miss you. That can not possibly happened with you in his business. He is not divorcing you because of a long work communicate. He is divorcing you because he is not happy and believes he can be happier without you. It's really that simple. If you want to stand then you have to play the waiting game and see whether he is happier without you. You believe that he will be that is why you are holding on so tight.
You have been given great advice since day one in which you have chosen to ignore most of it. You are digging yourself a hole that you do not have a big enough shovel to dig yourself out of.
I stopped using the shared calendar some time ago. I'm completely private.
You are right - he is still resentful.
He made some comment when he asked to call me this weekend.... it was in regards that I would not let his parents come to help him move out of the M home. Personally, I felt it was a very private matter... I wasn't dragging my parents into it. And, his dad has SERIOUS heart trouble and has been in hospital with DNR a few times... so he shouldn't have been involved at all.
There was never an argument. I was quiet and let him lead with what he needed to accomplish but he would just sit there so I would make a suggestion to get it going. I did the heavy lifting... I was up in a hot nasty attic carrying things down. I never complained. He grossly underestimated how much he could fit in his truck at one time so yes it took about 4 trips to get all of his items... and somehow he is resentful it took 4 times of loading his truck up? He forgot his boat keys and I made sure to get them to him... but you are right... here we are 3 months after he has his house and he is resentful...
And, you are correct... he hated the commute and thinking i would never leave this home so he was terribly unhappy and he believes he can be happier elsewhere. I hear you.
I usually suggest that LBSs keep wearing their ring until they are D'd. KC, I think you are the exception. I think that in your mind he is still your HUSBAND, and that you are still his WIFE. But for him it hasn't been that way for going on 9 months. He has moved on from you and you are stuck waiting there for him.
You realize that's an oxymoron right??? Encouraging people to wear a ring until they are divorced means that yes you ARE still a W and have an H... that's the commitment the ring symbolizes.
Wearing a ring when you don't have an H --- what are you wearing it for??? That's delusional.
You wear the ring because legally you are H and W. In the eyes of the law he is my H. A pretty crappy one at the moment but wearing a ring or not ---- yes Steve85 he is my H. Until he follows through with the D.
Most LBSs can compartmentalize in their minds the separation between legally married, and really married. I question if you do. Most LBSs can see the ring on their finger and realize that the reason they should still wear it is because while they've given up getting their spouse back, they are still standing for their marriage (again, separating in their mind that their marriage is actually over), and that they do not unwanted attention from members of the opposite sex (this further complicates their situation).
The problem in your case is I think you see and feel the ring and it keeps you stuck in the "I don't want a divorce at all costs, I just have to wait for him to see that I have changed" mentality. That causes you to do things that show him you are still on the hook.
I think there exceptions to most rules. And that is why I think you are an exception. I think removing your ring will help you start to move on mentally and stop waiting for him. Because when you say " yes Steve85 he is my H. Until he follows through with the D." I have not seen that you have to ability to separate that YES he is your husband legally, but that NO he hasn't been your husband in practice............IN MONTHS.
EDIT: I also think this is why you cannot bring yourself to type the words: he is a lying cheater. I think you believe deep down, that it is fixable....... If you can put all the blame on yourself (*I drove him into the OW's arms!") then it is something that can be fixed ("I have reversed the behaviors that drove him to this!"). But to admit that he is a lying cheater is to admit that he is fundamentally flawed and therefore the hope for reconciliation is almost NIL due to that.
But, apparently you have it all figured out. You are the one thinking clearly....and I am the delusional one. I can accept that.
Peace.
Last edited by Steve85; 08/24/2007:31 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I have not snooped... I don't go looking... period.
You keep saying that, yet you keep posting all this information about your H's private life. And I bet right now as you read this you are already crafting an elaborate explanation for why it's not snooping and how the information just magically keeps falling in your lap somehow, completely against your will. Forget the explanation, you've got to quit snooping! Don't make excuses, just stop it. You're torturing yourself with all this info! And you're just pushing H farther and farther away.
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I've had the address to the home he purchased since last April - the insurance company sent it to me. I have never once googled the address or zillowed the address or even when I have had to drive by his town on my way to S19 college I never detour. Not interest.
That's 1 of the 100 things you could be snooping about. And good for you! But if you snoop on 10 of the 100 things, then waving around the other 90 doesn't excuse the 10.
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So why would he put my email address when he purchased something through square --- that is NOT on me.... that's him. He wanted me to know.
That's your overactive imagination filling in the blanks. More than likely the email address is the default email in Square and he has never bothered to change it because A) he's lazy and B) he doesn't care whether you see it or not.
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She states OW is a horrible housekeeper and posts lots of selfies in this hoarder style house. I thought she was just trying to make me feel better when she mentioned one that you could literally see dog sh$t on the carpet of a selfie of OW sitting on couch in her pjs in a very cluttered mess but very clearly dog excrement right there on the carpet next to her... no mistaking it. AND, she put this on the internet. Like not a single friend would have said... uhmm... try cropping that pic??? She had to send it to me because i did not believe her.
^^^^NONE of my business but it did make me laugh that H wants to live in that kind of filth.
It's very common for WAS's to "affair down". We don't really know why they do it, but a few of us have surmised it's because they were starving for attention in the M and if they affair down a level or two below their own level then they find someone who feels so lucky to have them that they'll lavish attention on them. I don't know that he likes living in a mess, maybe he doesn't. Or maybe he doesn't care. But what does it matter. Let go of this stuff, for you.
What was the purpose of him asking to call you? What was there even to talk about for an entire hour? If he has time to do all of that, he can fill out a paper. Let him stand up the attorney instead of you, and have atty deal w it.
EDIT: I also think this is why you cannot bring yourself to type the words: he is a lying cheater. I think you believe deep down, that it is fixable....... If you can put all the blame on yourself (*I drove him into the OW's arms!") then it is something that can be fixed ("I have reversed the behaviors that drove him to this!"). But to admit that he is a lying cheater is to admit that he is fundamentally flawed and therefore the hope for reconciliation is almost NIL due to that.
Peace.
I thought I referred to him several times today as a liar.... or that he has been lying.... I don't think I painted him in any kind of great light today??? I thought I said very strongly I was over his elaborate lies.
I have not snooped... I don't go looking... period.
You keep saying that, yet you keep posting all this information about your H's private life. And I bet right now as you read this you are already crafting an elaborate explanation for why it's not snooping and how the information just magically keeps falling in your lap somehow, completely against your will. Forget the explanation, you've got to quit snooping! Don't make excuses, just stop it. You're torturing yourself with all this info! And you're just pushing H farther and farther away.
Quote
I've had the address to the home he purchased since last April - the insurance company sent it to me. I have never once googled the address or zillowed the address or even when I have had to drive by his town on my way to S19 college I never detour. Not interest.
That's 1 of the 100 things you could be snooping about. And good for you! But if you snoop on 10 of the 100 things, then waving around the other 90 doesn't excuse the 10.
Quote
So why would he put my email address when he purchased something through square --- that is NOT on me.... that's him. He wanted me to know.
That's your overactive imagination filling in the blanks. More than likely the email address is the default email in Square and he has never bothered to change it because A) he's lazy and B) he doesn't care whether you see it or not.
Quote
She states OW is a horrible housekeeper and posts lots of selfies in this hoarder style house. I thought she was just trying to make me feel better when she mentioned one that you could literally see dog sh$t on the carpet of a selfie of OW sitting on couch in her pjs in a very cluttered mess but very clearly dog excrement right there on the carpet next to her... no mistaking it. AND, she put this on the internet. Like not a single friend would have said... uhmm... try cropping that pic??? She had to send it to me because i did not believe her.
^^^^NONE of my business but it did make me laugh that H wants to live in that kind of filth.
It's very common for WAS's to "affair down". We don't really know why they do it, but a few of us have surmised it's because they were starving for attention in the M and if they affair down a level or two below their own level then they find someone who feels so lucky to have them that they'll lavish attention on them. I don't know that he likes living in a mess, maybe he doesn't. Or maybe he doesn't care. But what does it matter. Let go of this stuff, for you.
Your right - my friend should not have said anything --- she was just trying to make me feel better and laugh. Her heart was in the right place.
When mail shows up at my home --- and it clearly says all over it PA TURNPIKE or XYZ. I'm not snooping but it clearly is not discrete. I am not out looking to dig up information. It really is none of my business... it just doesn't help when it shows up at my house when it should be being sent to his house.
I'm not trying to make excuses - truly. But what do you do when it lands in your lap??? Most of the time I'm very good at ignoring.... just chucking it on his pile and going about my day.
Sunday was a hard day as he told me this tall tale which I knew was not true and I clearly never asked for him to tell me in the first place -- I wasn't looking to know why he was in town last week or yesterday or the fact he is in town the following week for a Dr appt.... he just kept talking. Knowing that he was obviously lying to me I was already annoyed... and how he had been texting me that he has been working 12's 7 days a week and he is so tired... but not tired enough to drive 3hr for donuts....
Is his lying enough for you to draw a line in the sand and have your L take things over in regards to the divorce?
Even if you meet, he will still be lying...
I have plans to contact my atty this week. I didn't have time today as I spent my lunch break hauling his stuff to the post office.
I am going to ask her if I really need his budget if I have his W2's, etc. If we can proceed without them I will contacting her to go over the documents and what he said he was offering last February.
I do not plan to respond to any texts. I may send an email containing a document in regards to settlement - I'm undecided. I will wait until I talk with my atty.
His lying is a problem.
I know he is lying... he knows he is lying...
I'm content to live my life quietly and privately. The only thing holding me back from filing for D is that he provides health care coverage for myself and my son. The longer I can without having to pay out of pocket the better for my budget and i don't lose my house. I will not take any grief for not filing for D because I need the healthcare. He wants a D he can get off his lazy lying arse.
What was the purpose of him asking to call you? What was there even to talk about for an entire hour? If he has time to do all of that, he can fill out a paper. Let him stand up the attorney instead of you, and have atty deal w it.
IDK --- he asked to call me Friday night. I said no. Then he asked to talk on Sunday.
He starts out business but then starts talking about this/that/he asks about S19 - before you know its an hour and I'm like I have to go... I have things to do.
I agree about doing the paperwork which is why I was annoyed that he kept pushing to meet on Sunday and then turned around and said he couldn't and suddenly was in town anyway...
