I know you are receiving some very blunt, but good advice. It can be hard to hear but its accurate.
But I also want to offer some encouragement - you're going to survive this. You're going to be happy again, with or without your H. You will find love again and I suspect (if you work on yourself), it will be with a man that cherishes you and has no tendencies to have affairs.
One day you will look back on this period in your life and smile. Why smile? Because your H did you a favor, he showed his true colors. Wouldn't you rather go through life being able to trust your partner? Wouldn't you rather be with a man that doesn't blame all his unhappiness on you? Side note, I know lots of people with a long commute and long work hours that don't have affairs, ever.
Its been an exhausting week. Having to go to court with S19 dad was dumb and petty. I was willing to settle out of court with lawyers and I was giving more than I was getting to do so. He was ordered to pay a big chunk of change and if S19 and I are smart and careful with our funds he may make all 4 yr without loans.
The plan was meeting today for financials - he asked me to drive to his town. Oh, to meet at your house? NOPE. He doesn't want me at his house. Ok, then I guess you are driving here. Followed with texts yesterday about how he got called into work so now I need to pick a day next week or next weekend... blah blah blah. Followed by an hour long call where he just volunteers how he move R&L's D into the dorms ---- but I know its OW's D. Why elaborate lies??? I get off the phone and get on with my day.
BOOM - email receipts for the local orchard and woodfire pizza place we took our kids too every year at this time for cider slushies and warm apple donuts.
Seriously? You can't meet for financials because you are working 12's constantly but you could drive 1 1/2hr each way for donuts??? This is after he told me on the phone that he was in my town yesterday for R&L's D again but we both know its OW's D. You left because the commute every day broke you AND yet you keep coming back???
SO I CALLED A SPADE A SPADE - "You couldn't find time to go over financials but went to X orchard and X pizza place"
H: "sorry, I couldn't sleep so I took a ride"
You must have been so hungry and thirsty with that ride cause you ate 4 pizzas with 4 soft drinks followed by a dozen and a half donuts with 4 slushies. No I did NOT type that but its exactly what I thought. Though I would have been more freaked out like --- how did you know where I was and if I knew he was there then I knew he was with 3 other people and all he can say is that he couldn't sleep? No, this was planned.
I said nothing. My silence will speak my words for me.
The universe is looking out for me. H forwarded his mail but there was a mistake and his bill for the PA Turnpike showed up at my home. So much for agreeing the puppy stays with me when he is out of town. I called him out on that BS to - he said he looked at the calendar and I had listed that I was out of town that weekend. IDK? I was only gone one weekend in July so maybe? But when you lie so much hard to know when you are telling the truth.
I will email my atty in the next couple of days. I have an idea of what he thinks our settlement should be and I will just proceed without him. If she needs something she can subpoena I guess if he doesn't want to drop off or mail a signed form.
The man is so stupid he has no idea what he is doing.
You really need to stop getting wound up over this petty stuff. He took OW to a place he used to take you, so what? Not your circus, not your monkeys.
"SO I CALLED A SPADE A SPADE - "You couldn't find time to go over financials but went to X orchard and X pizza place"
No, this isn't calling him out. This is you being super duper extra petty. This is you meddling in things that aren't your concern. This is you snooping and pushing him farther away, and justifying to him that you are not someone he wants a relationship with. You do see this, right?
He owes you no explanation and can do whatever he wants with his time, go where he wants to go, take who he wants to take. He doesn’t have to answer to you.
He didn’t want to meet up and he found an excuse not to. He doesn’t want to do. And quite honestly, he doesn’t need to. You didn’t call a spade a spade. He chose to what he wanted with his time.
I am afraid you will not find peace until you untangle himself from your life. Separate credit cards and no more alerts so you know where he went , how much he bought, etc. why are you even seeing this stuff?!?
You just keep torturing yourself. The pain isn’t going to enduntil you stop having expectations and you untangle your life from his
I wasn't so much angry that he change plans, didn't meet up, etc.
But I was 90% about to be at that same orchard yesterday. They have a new sunflower field and its in full bloom and I was taking my camera because I enjoy taking pics of sunflowers.
So the anger is just --- he drove 3hr for donuts when he could have gone in any other direction and thank goodness I wasn't there.
But, the anger was really from a phone call earlier where unprompted from me he starts telling me what I know are lies - why he was in town and it really wasn't the married couple D it was OW's D. I never asked. Its not my business so why is he fabricating the lies.
^^^ that is more where the anger came from. But, I understand I should have said nothing.
I has since not engaged.
I woke up to this text "Don't be b*tchy with me because I had a change of plans and went out for a ride"
^^^ which is again a lie. I got texts from him on Friday asking to meet Sunday AM and if I would come to his town because he was trying to figure out the logistics of his day ---- why, because he already had plans.. this was no change.
Either way I did not deserve the text this morning. I have continued to say nothing.
Last edited by job; 08/24/2006:38 PM. Reason: edited language
He was honest when he was unhappy and wanted out and took the steps to do so. He was somewhat honest with his time while he was gone though I tried and did the best job I could at giving him space and not calling/texting.
Its just I'm not asking what he is doing or who he is doing it with soooooo why does he call and try to tell me these stories??? Why the elaborate ruse of he was moving R&L's D into college when it was OW's D???
I didn't ask at all who he moved in the dorms.
The while on the phone on Sunday he goes on to state "oh I was in town yesterday but I couldn't get a hold of you" . I did not ask why he drove 1hr to my town yesterday. The town where he hated to to live because the commute every day broke him. It wasn't any of my business... but here he goes again "I was taking more stuff to R&L's D. Again, a lie but whatever I ignored.
Its the accumulation of lies that I reached my breaking point.
He had this problem when we were first dating. It was like the toddler who got stuck with his hand in the cookie jar and would still say he didn't take a cookie. It was like a knee jerk reaction to a direct question sometimes and I could tell he was not honest because he sucked at lying. It kind of came down to past trauma with his first ExW that he was always on the defensive and with his mother. I stopped dating him because of it - I value honesty.
He got his sh$t together... realized his triggers.... made ammends and I made him jump through some hoops to know this was a dealt issue. He knew he could trust me and I would not judge because I'd rather have the truth than a lie. AND, for 9 1/2yr he stopped lying. Again - he is a terrible liar and just like there are tells in poker he had some distinct ones too.
But, the flat out lying is back.
^^^ that is where all this anger and taking off my ring came from. I was not snooping. I did not go looking. I'm just thankful at the last minute I opted to mow the yard rather than going to the orchard.
It really doesn't matter. I don't seem to do a thing right when it comes to saving my M. That shipped has sailed too I suppose.
He doesn’t care what you value, KK! He didn’t care when he cheated either!
Quite honestly , you are asking for it by engaging with him. Stop. Cease communications. Get out of his business. Done. He doesn’t owe you the truth about his whereabouts. Why are you even on the phone with him !!?
You are doing this to yourself. Cease communication. Then he can’t be honest or dishonest. Then you can stop having expectations of him or getting mad at him for lying about what he is doing with is personal time and why.
I'm sorry but this guy is a dirtbag. He's manipulative and dishonest, and probably always has been, you just didn't know it while you were together.
You've defended his actions by saying he has had a long commute etc for work but he certainly doesn't have any issues commuting 3 hours for donuts? Seriously? I'm not buying any of it.
I would go full throttle on the divorce, have your lawyer put the wheels in motion and, put this dude in the rear view mirror. You'll meet someone 10x better.
He was honest when he was unhappy and wanted out and took the steps to do so. He was somewhat honest with his time while he was gone though I tried and did the best job I could at giving him space and not calling/texting.
Its just I'm not asking what he is doing or who he is doing it with soooooo why does he call and try to tell me these stories??? Why the elaborate ruse of he was moving R&L's D into college when it was OW's D???
I didn't ask at all who he moved in the dorms.
The while on the phone on Sunday he goes on to state "oh I was in town yesterday but I couldn't get a hold of you" . I did not ask why he drove 1hr to my town yesterday. The town where he hated to to live because the commute every day broke him. It wasn't any of my business... but here he goes again "I was taking more stuff to R&L's D. Again, a lie but whatever I ignored.
Its the accumulation of lies that I reached my breaking point.
He had this problem when we were first dating. It was like the toddler who got stuck with his hand in the cookie jar and would still say he didn't take a cookie. It was like a knee jerk reaction to a direct question sometimes and I could tell he was not honest because he sucked at lying. It kind of came down to past trauma with his first ExW that he was always on the defensive and with his mother. I stopped dating him because of it - I value honesty.
He got his sh$t together... realized his triggers.... made ammends and I made him jump through some hoops to know this was a dealt issue. He knew he could trust me and I would not judge because I'd rather have the truth than a lie. AND, for 9 1/2yr he stopped lying. Again - he is a terrible liar and just like there are tells in poker he had some distinct ones too.
But, the flat out lying is back.
^^^ that is where all this anger and taking off my ring came from. I was not snooping. I did not go looking. I'm just thankful at the last minute I opted to mow the yard rather than going to the orchard.
It really doesn't matter. I don't seem to do a thing right when it comes to saving my M. That shipped has sailed too I suppose.
Lying cheaters lie. This is what I have been trying to get you to see for 6+ months.
I usually suggest that LBSs keep wearing their ring until they are D'd. KC, I think you are the exception. I think that in your mind he is still your HUSBAND, and that you are still his WIFE. But for him it hasn't been that way for going on 9 months. He has moved on from you and you are stuck waiting there for him.
I agree with the others. At this point your life should be completely unwound from his. Joint CCs should be cancelled, and you should open new ones in your name..If there are balances, you get him to agree to take his share of them. I thought you already split back accounts? Personally, I think you still think he will snap out of all of this. You've taken the fact that he hasn't taken care of the disclosure as a sign he isn't sure. I think you like to be able to see at some level what he is doing. But what you have to realize is that all of that is holding you back. It is causing you to not be able to move past him. At this stage in the game you should be much more detached than you are. The fact that him going to an orchard and having pizza with OW is sending you into a tailspin is on you, not him.
And you have to get used to the idea that your paths will cross. You said he is like an hour away. That is not far at all in today's world. My friend ended up having seats at a concert with his new wife (of several years) right next to his ex-wife and her new boyfriend years ago. The coincident of that happening is almost unbelievable....yet it did happen. He had to ask an usher, while his wife was at the restroom, to move their seats for him. Or their could be fisticuffs between the wife and ex. His ex lived 3+ hours away from him at that point. It is going to happen and you have to be at a place where you can walk away from such an encounter with your dignity.
The world is a small place, and running into someone that has the same haunts and preferred locations is bound to happen. What are you doing to make sure you are going to be able to handlle that?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I don't seem to do a thing right when it comes to saving my M. That shipped has sailed too I suppose.
Well KK in all honesty I have been trying to tell you that if you were trying to recon that you were in a 2-5 year waiting game. Your goal was to wish him well and go live your life to the fullest. We had suggested IC for sure for you because although I am not a therapist I have lived with and done lots of research on narcissist and you at minimum have narc tendencies. You are still trying to control the situation and your STBXH. The fact you still have a shared calendar completely blows my mind. Your goal right now is to make him less resentful and miss you. That can not possibly happened with you in his business. He is not divorcing you because of a long work communicate. He is divorcing you because he is not happy and believes he can be happier without you. It's really that simple. If you want to stand then you have to play the waiting game and see whether he is happier without you. You believe that he will be that is why you are holding on so tight.
You have been given great advice since day one in which you have chosen to ignore most of it. You are digging yourself a hole that you do not have a big enough shovel to dig yourself out of.
