I am stepping further and further away from the boards and it's all for good reasons. I'm healing, I feel good, I'm doing well. I feel badly that I have not commented on some threads here, but I've had to remove myself when I realized I'm no longer "in" my sitch. I don't really live here any more. And without being caught up it seems unproductive to post to others.

After my last post I have continued to hike. I'm pushing my body and I love/hate it grin Sometimes I'm on a trail wondering what the *bleep* I'm doing as I'm sweating and struggling. But then the summit is always worth it, and I can tell I'm getting stronger - especially my legs. I'm still very very slow and people pass me regularly. However, I'm on their turf - these are avid hikers and I'm a beginner so I don't mind. Also, I take many breaks. Hiking for me is a little bit about the workout (omg that workout kills me) but mostly about being in the woods and the silence and watching the birds and wildlife. I kind of love it. I did another big one today and I'm going to feel it in my quads tomorrow.

I still, of course, think about XW. She is still someone very, very special to me that I am a little protective of in my own way within my heart. I am still hurt that she chose to leave instead of diving deep to work on what we needed to work on. I see her issues in a new light. But perhaps if I was in her shoes I would have done the same - I think she had to leave because she felt she had truly tried and exhausted all options. My perspective was of course different. I've also started to see myself very clearly and have come to a place of taking responsibility for my own portion of various issues. She won't know that, but I see them now. I don't want to return to those habits and that way of being and I'm grateful for the lessons. I am so, so incredibly different now. But still, I also know that things could have been good with us, and we could have been happy. We just didn't quite know how, and perhaps the space was the only way to see this after all.

I'm a little more at peace about it though. I'm not at a point where I want to know anything about her new life - that is still too painful. I don't want mutual friends to report back, I don't want to talk about her in the "now". I can, however, reminisce sweetly about some of our great memories and the woman that I used to be in love with. I'm approaching 2 years of separation, and over 7 months divorced. Probably 8 or 9 since the last logistical email contact regarding the divorce. We have truly been no contact the whole time aside from the necessities. For my sitch it was critical to my healing because I knew this wasn't something that would bounce back. I mostly new the D would be a final decision, so I focused on healing from very early on. No boomerang XW for me.

But, back to Yail today. I've started to become good friends with one of the lesbian women I've blogged about in the past and we have a great time. I'm so lucky to have her in my life. We grab a beer once a month, once every two weeks or so and text randomly funny things. Our humor is in line so it's just so nice to have a friend where we are laughing so hard. And honestly, it's nice to have a close queer friend. Usually we talk about raunchy sex jokes or discussions about how I so desperately need to get some. We have a regular brewery we go to and last night we established with the bartender (who knows us well) that from now on we will determine who pays by him rolling his D&D dice. It's a supportive but fun dynamic and I hope our friendship continues to grow.

I have a goal of being done my masters in spring of 2022 and also purchasing a house by then. I want to do that now, but I'm just not there financially. But I look excitedly towards the future when I might have a home in only MY name in the country a little bit, and my MBA and hopefully a step forward in my career. It's all doable and I've never had a plan like this. I feel so hopeful and like I can do it. On my own.

I am so grateful to friends here who have come and gone, and to my friends in real life who have held me up during what can only be described as utter heartbreak. I always knew I would be fine, but now I'm there. This isn't a goodbye note, but it is an acknowledgement that I anticipate being here much less. As I said, I just don't live in my sitch anymore and to be here brings me to a place I'm just not at.