I have been thinking a lot about you Cardinal and your journey.
I had a fascinating conversation with someone about dharma that really resonated with my process. Dharma is what is so in our lives, whether we like it or not, and our individual dharma is how we contribute and/or react to that which happens to us. Dharma is accepting the matrix that defines us as individuals, without losing our place within the greater social context of humanity. And in its simplest form, dharma is doing the most good with what we have been given, and the least amount of harm.
Originally Posted by cardinal
I struggle with feeling like I have failed in one of my goals of staying friendly, in feeling like we are further apart than ever. I realize that it's his decision to spew and belittle me that has contributed to this more than anything I have said or done, but I still have that nagging feeling sometimes like I'm failing to do something or act a certain way, or to act like myself. Maybe it's because I'm just seeing through his warped perspective--that I'm cold and never loved him and, see, now I'm just confirming it.
I am struggling with the exact same thing you are at the moment. That somehow I am letting myself down by not being the most compassionate, all-accepting, loving human being I can to H, even when he is spewing at me. But in recognizing how one can do the most good with the least amount of harm, one must also integrate the harm you are causing yourself by allowing someone to treat you so poorly. In essence, you can be compassionate and loving, but you might have to reserve some of that for yourself instead of H. In this particular paragraph quoted above, I don't think you are living your dharma by allowing H to warp YOUR perspective on what kind of human you are. You know that you loved him, and were warm and loving in your M. That he doesn't recognize it right now is not your dharma (it will likely play out into his karma, but that's another discussion).
Originally Posted by cardinal
From an unbiased perspective, no, H has not been treating me respectfully. NC is a way to protect myself, so why am I still worried about how H might interpret it? I think it is just a way of being that I'm not used to--I'd rather have friendly chit chat than silence. I've never had to be in close quarters with someone who was treating me this way. I've never really been treated the way H has treated me during spew, period. And I think I still confuse remaining compassionate with being overtly friendly. Would I be overly talkative to a cashier who had yelled at me? I would probably avoid their line next time. But I wouldn't go out of my way to be unkind to them. Am I on the right track here?
Again, I relate to this with my whole being. And I think you are on the right track. I would gently guide you (myself included) to remain compassionate. But compassion is not just something that you give to someone else. Self-compassion is equally important and so necessary to replenish the wellspring of compassion we give to others. In fact, self-compassion is perhaps more important than compassion for others when we are going through such challenging situations.
I am not a buddhist or hindu, so I might have massacred the definitions of dharma and compassion, but this was the lesson I received this week and it has been helping me to understand my own journey.
