Now to rest then clean my bathroom. Thought you'd like to know. They look very confused, lol.
Yay--congrats on being so close and finally reclaiming your bathroom! A major accomplishment for sure. I'm sure they'll get the hang of their new digs very soon. How's your foot? Thanks for the update.
My chicken update is that somehow, though farms and houses burned all around, my friend's home and farm were spared and all of their animals are fine. She said when they returned, the chickens looked completely unaware of having had any near brush with death. Seems about right. The fires are still growing all around the state. This has really made me question whether I want to stay here--H was my family, but now all my family lives elsewhere. I do think it's best for my now-necessary career change to stay here long enough to get a new job and a good amount of experience for my resume. That's reason talking--emotion sometimes says get out and away from H.
IW, thanks for stopping by.
Originally Posted by IronWill
Thats when I realized I had to start letting go of everything, including my need to know why, my need to understand, and also my need to feel hurt at what had happened.
Granted these things are all works in progress. Some days I succeed, some days I fail. But thats sort of how life goes too.
I am feeling rather un-evolved in the area of not needing to know why lately, like I've regressed in that and am not doing so well. I keep having dreams in which I'm interacting with old or new H or someone in his family, trying to make sense of things. Thanks for the reminder, IW, that it is a work in progress. All through this process I've struggled from time to time with wanting to be further along than I am, and I should know by now that focusing on where I'm not or what I'm not feeling good about at the moment doesn't help either.
Kindly, you conveyed your process with this so well!
Originally Posted by Kindly
My H was who he was and I loved him...that version of him. Something happened ... he’s changed....he’s not himself now. This new reality, as baffling as it is to us, doesn’t get to change who he was...because I say it doesn’t. Maybe they do have a personality disorder, a mental illness, or anything else we want to transfix on to give us some kind of answer for the current states we find ourselves in.
But you know what? It doesn’t matter.
I’m doing my best this week to stop looking in the rear view mirror. Those moments, days and experiences are done...already lived. And I choose to no longer let this dark MLC cloud hijack or gaslight my past feelings, opinions or reality of what that past was for me and for us as H and wife.
I don't know if I can consciously work to accept these conclusions in my own mind, or if it's another instance of letting go of where I want to be and trusting that acceptance and truly feeling and believing these things you're writing will eventually come.
I guess my focusing on me has to do mostly with L stuff right now, and that just reminds me of how crazy it feels to have ended up here, here being not only with D, but with a D that is so backwards and nonsensical at times because of H.
Still wasn't feeling great about other Ls I talked to, then heard things about one that confirmed my off feeling. I was actually able to find a free consult with a L who volunteers his time at a nonprofit, and I really liked him. He seemed to be less aggressive than the others but aware of what it means to deal with a S who is at times controlling in this process. He also made it a point to listen to questions I had rather than just talking the whole time. He confirmed H still hasn't filed. I haven't gotten any specific recommendations for this L from others in town, but he has good reviews online. Someone was saying to me that maybe it's better to have a L who seems aggressive even if you don't necessarily "like" him or connect with him, but don't I want someone who can help diffuse conflict and not feed it in this situation?
I have one (hopefully last) consult coming up. I seem to come up with a couple of new questions each time and still feel unclear about the way forward. It seems to depend on what moves H makes.
The other thing bothering me is that H and I barely say anything to each other now, since his spew a month ago. I've tried to stay NC other than offering cordial hellos or good mornings, and H has been gone a lot. There hasn't even been a short exchange about the fires. I struggle with feeling like I have failed in one of my goals of staying friendly, in feeling like we are further apart than ever. I realize that it's his decision to spew and belittle me that has contributed to this more than anything I have said or done, but I still have that nagging feeling sometimes like I'm failing to do something or act a certain way, or to act like myself. Maybe it's because I'm just seeing through his warped perspective--that I'm cold and never loved him and, see, now I'm just confirming it.
I'm putting May's comment to Sage here, because I think this applies to how I am feeling in many ways:
Originally Posted by may22
Gently, I wonder... why do you care if deep down he wants to be friends and have an amicable split where you can spend time together as a family? Is this what you want? Especially with someone who is treating you the way he is? Maybe at some point in the future he will be the kind of human being you want to spend time with, again. But it sure doesn't sound like he is that person right now and I am just wondering why you want to subject yourself to it.
It seems to me that going NC/grey rock will not only protect you and give you the space and ability to heal-- and protect your own self-esteem and self-worth-- but also honestly protect the possibility of being friendly in the future. It seems like these toxic interactions could really poison your potential future amicable relationship. Can you move your necessary conversations to email?
From an unbiased perspective, no, H has not been treating me respectfully. NC is a way to protect myself, so why am I still worried about how H might interpret it? I think it is just a way of being that I'm not used to--I'd rather have friendly chit chat than silence. I've never had to be in close quarters with someone who was treating me this way. I've never really been treated the way H has treated me during spew, period. And I think I still confuse remaining compassionate with being overtly friendly. Would I be overly talkative to a cashier who had yelled at me? I would probably avoid their line next time. But I wouldn't go out of my way to be unkind to them. Am I on the right track here?
This is what happens when I can't update regularly. My posts get sooo long.
