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[Gerda]

I was the child of an MLCer who had a personality disorder, I realize now. And then I married one. I thought I married the opposite of anyone like my family. And I know he was a much better man before MLC but now I don't know if that was an act too. I think he was battling his own demons and then couldn't do it anymore at MLC.

I just want to chime in because I see it a little differently, as a mom and as a child who went through it.

I don't badmouth my H but I don't lie about it either. I didn't tell them about the adultery until they asked, because H immediately brought OW around my kids and they lied so much to my D, and I could see that it was making her feel crazy herself, because she sensed something was wrong. I was vague but answered her questions truthfully, in an age-appropriate way. I had cancer in 2014 and my kids still don't know, so I definitely shield them from things that I don't think they need to know yet, but I think they do need to know enough about their dad to have strong boundaries. I know from experience that the MLC parent gaslights the kids too, and it confused me beyond imagining that no one validated to me that my mother was out of her mind. I internalized it and disassociated so much that I can barely remember anything about my childhood. And ultimately I think it led to my being so used to that kind of stuff that I didn't see it in men I dated, and the one I married. It felt normal. I thought that was how life was once you weren't dating anymore. And like I said, he was at least trying to be an ethical, moral man and a good father.

My son refuses to see his dad. My daugther sees him a lot and has this middle school romance sort of relationship with him but then will say things like this -- after having a lemonade stand and having a big pile of cash -- "It's good that he doesn't live here anymore, he would have stolen all this cash." Then she runs to her phone to call him and send him a million hearts.

My son went through h*ll, was suicidal, wouldn't go to school, shoplifting, etc. But now he is coming out of that and the trust I kept alive was everything. He is not confused, ever. He is rageful and has a broken heart but he is never confused. My daughter is confused constantly.

All of this is to say -- I would say not to act that breezy about their dad. Give no details but validate that what they see is happening. And be glad if your kids don't see too much of him while he is like this. They can grow mature enough to know who he is and have boundaries, or wait until he has come out of it a little and is a better person. Everyone says it's important to see your parents no matter what but I think it's more damaging to enter that dynamic and absorb that craziness than the damage caused by not seeing a parent for a little while. I'm glad my son chooses not to see his dad for now.

I couldn't heal from my mom til I cut off contact for a while, until I was clear-headed enough to have boundaries from her, and I was still pretty messed up around her until she died in 2017. I didn't start healing and seeing things clearly about my marriage until my H moved out. He wouldn't leave, even almost a year after he filed. I had to pay him to get him out. Worth every penny. Seeing the huge positive change in my son after his dad left only showed me that I had not done the right thing allowing things to go on for so long in front of him. My son still speaks to me in a verbally abusive way sometimes, just like he witnessed for years after BD. He feels awful after he treats me badly and says he has no control over his mind when he is angry. He was never like that before my H went crazy -- he was the most loving and happy child before all of this. And I was the LAST person to want to divorce or to stop standing. I still don't believe in divorce and am devoutly Christian, but I realize now that there is no contradiction with that when you have to get that dark abusive force away from your kids. It's standing for your family and it is a way to show love even to the abuser to stop enabling his abuse. You can love him from far away.