Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

PM99,

You are in a great position right now that just about everyone on the board would love to be in where I truly believe your husband wants to start a marriage 2.0. I will give you some feedback.

With your worldy knowledge and experience, I truly want to believe that is what you see from the outside....thank you, it makes me feel a lot better

The last few days has been up and down - H has been distant, which makes me distant, and then we feed off each other's negative energies. I said to him that I was finding the uncertainty difficult.

This sounds like fear to me PM99 which leads to pressure which leads to control. What are you afraid of because what you fear you attract. Does that make sense?

Yes, I am still operating from a place of fear...fear that he wishes he had never come back, fear that he wants to leave but cant because of the devastation it will cause, fear that MC will not fix this, fear that he is just ticking boxes. I guess I could find 100 reasons why his behaviours might not be genuine. I think I need to let go of that don't I, and focus on the fact he might actually want M v2.0. Sometimes I feel like I have lived with this situation for so long (18 months), I don't even know what it feels like to feel 'normal' anymore. It's like I don't know how to sit back and relax and just 'be'.

I raised this in MC, and said that when two people get married it's not a case of 'I cant promise we'll stay together but I'll try'. When you take your marriage vows you make a commitment to each other with the intention of staying together. Am I wrong? Am I asking for too much too soon?

You are not wrong but what if his feelings don't comeback and he says "I don't love you the way a man should love a woman and you deserve someone who does but since I made this statement (vow) xx many years ago I will stick it out" Does that work for you?

I know you are right LH, I know I need to accept that he is simply being honest. He also said he was being honest when he wanted to come back and said he loved me, was in love with me, wanted us to grow old together, could see us being an intimate couple again. This "I cant promise anything" is new and makes everything feel so fragile. Perhaps my expectations were too high. I've read other recon and piecing threads, and I am trying to be mindful that we are still on different timelines, that we will both go forward and backwards, both have periods of doubt. I keep re-reading Sandi's recon and piecing thread to remind myself to slow down and step back. Thank you for keeping it real for me LH.

I think this is good because I keep saying to H that although we spend time together, we aren't bonding beyond the best friend thing.

Sounds like you are trying to control the situation

Really? I never looked at it like that. The conversation came about because H was feeling that every time I hugged him in bed, or stroked his back it meant I wanted sex and I was trying to explain that I just liked being close to him. That not everything had to lead to sex. I thought this would take the pressure off, to explain that I was OK with hugging and nothing more, that I like physical touch in a non-sexual way, and it made me feel close to him. Maybe I have been trying to solutionise too much. It's so hard getting the balance right of demonstrating affection but not applying pressure.

He got upset at this point.

Pressure

Ugh!!! What do I need to stop doing?