I said to him that I was finding the uncertainty difficult. His response is that he cant make any promises but he wants to try. That doesn't make me feel so great as it seems very non-committal. I raised this in MC, and said that when two people get married it's not a case of 'I cant promise we'll stay together but I'll try'. When you take your marriage vows you make a commitment to each other with the intention of staying together. Am I wrong? Am I asking for too much too soon? Is it just semantics? H said in the session that he is committed, but he can't control his feelings, and therefore there is no guarantee that this is going to work out.
Hi Pommy,
This resonates so much with me. My H has said these EXACT same words, both in round one and now. (Honestly. It blows my mind how there is a playbook for all of this and it feels like they're getting their lines from it.) And, I have had the exact same reaction as you... it doesn't feel like enough. We have had many talks both in MC and out about this issue. I'll share some thoughts for you to leave or take:
-- first, it was such a weird experience to read what your H is saying and thinking yes! mine says the same thing! I think the same thing! And then to read LH's response to say "he is being open and honest with you"... that really took me aback and made me think. Just a reflection. I think LH is right. It is way better for him to say this to you than for him to think it but verbally say "I am in for good"... it is probably hard for him to say this because he knows what you want to hear and this isn't exactly it.
-- My H has also been on the marriage vow thing-- he feels like the second we took those vows I started taking him/our R for granted. Which has some truth to it (really more once we had kids though, not once we got M). I do think that M is for better or worse and when you make those vows you're committing to the long run through the BS. You don't get to run when it gets hard. But maybe... and I'm talking to myself on this too... when you are starting M 2.0, you have to take as a starting point that M 1.0 is over. Gone. Forever. And you're working on seeing if you can build an M2.0 that is worthwhile. So you probably aren't at a place yet where you can both definitively say yes, I'm in M2.0 for the long haul. You are still dating.
-- I think intentions are important and it is good that your H is being explicit that his intention is to make M2.0 work. I prefer to be optimistic about all this and feel that you can do whatever you really set your mind to, so if his intention is to rebuild a full and passionate M with you, he will. It will take time and all that but you'll get there. That being said, it is also true what LH said about what happens if the feelings don't come back (my H has said all this too)-- that you deserve a H who can love you passionately and you don't want him to stick around just because he made those vows xx years ago. My feeling on this is, cross that bridge when you come to it. Right now, you don't know if his feelings will come back or not. You don't know what M2.0 is going to look like but you have the opportunity to think it out and build it together. These things don't happen overnight and try not to get ahead of yourself (I'm telling myself this too). One step at a time. Your H is there. He is trying. He has cut it off with EAP. He is being open and honest with you about his feelings and his intentions and his fears. That is all really positive. Take it for what it is and try to focus on the now for yourself as well.
-- I think there are a lot of positives in your sitch as compared to mine so I wouldn't take my H's behavior too much into account... my H was in WAAAAY deeper with his AP than yours, he'd built out this entire fantasy life with her, and I think the pull of that (plus her explicit outreach) is a lot harder to overcome than what your H is dealing with. Your H actually left and knows what that is like and doesn't want to go back to it. The things your H is saying about feeling physically ill of the thought of the betrayal against you is big, I think. I don't think my H is ready to even wrap his head around that part yet.
-- re the emotional intimacy blocking and your H's reaction-- I think what your MC is prescribing is the standard, build it back up with non-sexual touching, etc-- but I'm also wondering if there are 180s you can think about that would start a whole new paradigm for you guys when you get there. Are there things you can open up to him emotionally about that don't involve your M or his behavior? Have you opened up to him about how you feel about your mom? Feeling like you're on the same team is important and maybe this is an area where you can really validate if it has been a problem in the past. I have some similar but much less severe issues with my mom and between my mom and my H. I used to get really defensive of her, though, and didn't want to say anything negative about her to my H because I worried it would further exacerbate the situation between them. But more recently I've been open with my H when my mom has frustrated me and how it makes me feel and instead of jumping on the bandwagon, he's validated and been super nice about it and I've felt a lot closer to him after rather than more distant as in the past. I'm just wondering if there are other ways you can work on your emotional closeness/ vulnerability without getting into an R talk every time.
-- re the rings... we decided to put our rings back on for this trip and TBH I am really, really glad we did. My H takes his off all the time for surfing, yoga, etc and so he has a lot of opportunities to choose to put it back on again or not. A couple of weeks into the renewed limbo he didn't put it back on after surfing one day, and I took mine off to go to the beach and chose not to put them back on either. The night before the trip we talked-- I asked if we were going to wear our rings for the trip, he said it was up to me, I thought about it (I had been thinking I wanted it to be symbolic when we put our rings back on)... and then said, yes, let's do it. And whether it means the same thing to him that it does to me, seeing it on his finger really does help me chill out when I'm getting anxious or upset. It is a symbol of his intention to work on our M, even if it isn't a symbol right now of our undying love and commitment to each other. So maybe putting your rings back on doesn't need to be a big meaningful thing, right now, but could help you guys both remember that you're in this together? IDK, I know it is different because your H did actually leave. Just sharing from my perspective on this.
Hang in there, Pommy. I could use more patience too. Deep breaths. I think it was Unchien who long, long ago mentioned the Frozen 2 song "do the next right thing" and I've been thinking on it. We watched the making of documentary and Kirsten Bell talks about her depression and this song being really meaningful to her-- when she was really depressed would just think OK. Need to get out of bed. Check. Now get the kids up. Check. And so forth... so I've been thinking on this too. What is the next right thing? No need to plan out and know everything. Just the next right thing. xoxo M
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
