Everyone here is right - I'm stressed out and its my own doing.
I'm scared.
Not of being alone. Heck I was a single mom of a infant until he was 8yr old, I'm smart and capable.
I'm scared.
How will this play out financially? Will this get ugly? Will this really make it all the way to complete D? Could I have done anything differently that would have softened his heart during this journey?
I hate hearing from him.... I want to hear from him...
Frankly, he has pulled away WAY more in the last 2 months. He is settling into his new life and he is less scared and second guessing his decisions way less as well. He is finding his happiness and I hate how that drives me to be more needy.
I don't need his approval. I don't need his support. But, I miss our old life.
Though I see you still struggling with the way he is "pulling away more" in the last 2 months. He is pulling away because he is realizing that you are still attached and he could snap his fingers and have you back. Right now.
I think you will see him reaching out more, as he feels like you are detaching. It is CLASSIC distance-pursuit dynamic stuff. We've seen even the most wayward of spouses come sniffing around when their LBS started to REALLY detach well.
I think you'd be surprised at how much he'd reach out if you really went dark. NO messaging of any kind. Very slow, short, almost dismissing responses to his direct questions. I wouldn't doubt if he made an excuse to come by sometime if you were really to go dark on him.
The problem is that anytime he does that, you end up reattached. They key would be for you to remain detached. Stick to very good DBing rules. You are busy you are working on you, and you don't care what he says or does or is doing or is not doing. That you've emotionally moved on, and you are leaving him behind.
If you could get there, he'd feel the loss of control and he'd start reaching and acting out. We've seen 1000 times if we've seen it once. To be honest, in the vast majority of cases,when the WAS that has gone to the lengths he has (moved out, started a new R, etc), it isn't usually until the LBS is DONE with it all, and really ready to move on from their WAS, that the WAS suddenly wants to R.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
KK I know you struggle with it but we lived it and know what we are talking about.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I'm scared .
It's ok to be scared but fear drives people to make big mistakes.
Originally Posted by KitCat
How will this play out financially?
You'll be fine. You might have tighten the budget a little.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Will this get ugly?
Maybe or maybe not. Who really cares.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Will this really make it all the way to complete D?
Most likely
Originally Posted by KitCat
Could I have done anything differently that would have softened his heart during this journey?
After B drop and affair. Probably not. Going the complete other way early on was your only chance.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I hate hearing from him.... I want to hear from him...
You want to hear from him when he doesn't want something and that's never and most likely always be never
Originally Posted by KitCat
Frankly, he has pulled away WAY more in the last 2 months. He is settling into his new life and he is less scared and second guessing his decisions way less as well. He is finding his happiness and I hate how that drives me to be more needy.
Illusion of action. I'm losing him I need to do something. 99.9% experience this which ends up making matters worse.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I don't need his approval. I don't need his support. But, I miss our old life.
Again, KK your old life sounded pretty crappy. I bet your are way happier a year from now.
It's ok to be scared but fear drives people to make big mistakes.
Yes... and that is why I trying to find 50 other things to do. I don't want to make a mistake because I'm being driven by anxeity/fear. I don't want to end up sending him some dumb text.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Will this get ugly?
Quote
Maybe or maybe not. Who really cares.
I hate ugly. It kills my soul.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I hate hearing from him.... I want to hear from him...
Quote
You want to hear from him when he doesn't want something and that's never and most likely always be never
He actually asks in texts questions about why I was going to be busy today... then he actually said he was sorry about what my day was about and then continued to ask questions in regards to that.
I hate when he opens up dialogue... it just makes me miss the friend I once had in him.
I did not ask a single thing about him today. I just pinned him down to Sunday for the paperwork.
Originally Posted by KitCat
Frankly, he has pulled away WAY more in the last 2 months. He is settling into his new life and he is less scared and second guessing his decisions way less as well. He is finding his happiness and I hate how that drives me to be more needy.
Quote
Illusion of action. I'm losing him I need to do something. 99.9% experience this which ends up making matters worse.
I get that. Its a knee jerk reaction. Again, I need to keep busy doing something and not do something stupid due to anxiety. I'm being quite driven by my gut to say what can we do differently. But, that is me chasing and being pathetic. Deep breathing. Maybe I need to work more at mediation - which I really s*ck at.
Originally Posted by KitCat
I don't need his approval. I don't need his support. But, I miss our old life.
Quote
Again, KK your old life sounded pretty crappy. I bet your are way happier a year from now.
It was a marriage with ups and downs for sure. But there were some really wonderful times - and I meant it when I said for better or worse. Having been in a working partnership for 27yr where there were some serious bad times... I know that sticking it out can really pay off so I wouldn't have bailed.
I think that's why I want to ask him about doing with workshop with me. I know I know I know. Everyone here says its a bad idea. I just want to feel that I gave it my very best - even in the face of adversity I gave 100%.
I know - whats the rush. Give it a good nights rest and get to the weekend. Walk away. Walk away. Walk away.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
KC, I'm going to try and say this again and hope it gets through this time. You have two choices-
1) Do nothing. If you don't want the D then this is your option. GO DARK.
2) Push the D through yourself. Don't count on him to meet, to sign things, to agree to your terms. Don't count on anything from him, just do it yourself and file and let him respond. GO DARK.
QUIT WAITING ON H TO DO ANYTHING. He doesn't want to meet with you. He doesn't want to mess with the D paperwork. He just wants you gone out of his life. That's it, he just wants you to disappear by the easiest way possible, period. He is not going to lift a finger in your behalf, so quit expecting that.
OK so I want you to read and understand this part very carefully- if you meet with him and come to an agreement IT DOESN'T MEAN POOP. What you and he both SIGN is what matters. I told you this before, but I did what you are thinking about and met with my XW and we worked everything out and wrote it all down. BUT... when it came time to sign it? Nope, she decided she was getting a raw deal (she wasn't) and came back with demands and a threat to go to court if I didn't agree. She was completely complacent and agreeable up to that point, just like your H seems to be.
So with all that in mind, if you are choosing to push the D through because you have some (possibly misplaced) thought that it will be very beneficial to you financially, then DRAW UP THE PAPERS AND SERVE HIM. Don't meet with him. Just draw up the papers with what you think he's already agreed to and send it. He'll either sign it or he'll dispute it. If he signs it then great, you got what you wanted. If he doesn't, oh well at least you know what you are up against.
LOTS of WAS's when served will just sign it even if the terms are not in their favor. Why? Because it's the path of least resistance in getting rid of their LBS. Like I said before, he just wants you gone, so use that to your advantage.
Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.
So I reigned it in....
I'm fighting my impulses.
I'm in such a bad place today and perhaps that I'm having to email another atty every other hour in negotiating a settlement is causing my head to be on fire.
Marriage workshops only work when BOTH partners are committed to saving /bettering the marriage.
They work 0% of the time when the WAS has moved on in another relationship and wants a divorce.
It’s the old control hoping you can do this or that to change his mind.
You can’t. You can only better your nice going forward
That's not exactly this workshop - its literally focused towards a specific group... ie. when only one partner is wanting to save the marriage. Its not traditional marriage workshop.
But you are right. I'm trying to change my current situation. I can only focus on myself. I have no control over H.
LOTS of WAS's when served will just sign it even if the terms are not in their favor. Why? Because it's the path of least resistance in getting rid of their LBS. Like I said before, he just wants you gone, so use that to your advantage.
I thought that was why I going through this --- use his guilt to get the best offer.
This is just a financial settlement - how we will handle assets. NOTHING goes through until D is final and right now no D is filed. Just legal S.
I don't want the D at all. But, I'm tired of being hounded about the financial order so I'm ready to get that resolved.
I want to go DARK. I just want to bury my head in the sand.
