Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[LH19]

PM99,

You are in a great position right now that just about everyone on the board would love to be in where I truly believe your husband wants to start a marriage 2.0. I will give you some feedback.

The last few days has been up and down - H has been distant, which makes me distant, and then we feed off each other's negative energies. I said to him that I was finding the uncertainty difficult.

This sounds like fear to me PM99 which leads to pressure which leads to control. What are you afraid of because what you fear you attract. Does that make sense?

His response is that he cant make any promises but he wants to try.

He's being open and honest with you.

That doesn't make me feel so great as it seems very non-committal.

This sounds like fear to me PM99 which leads to pressure which leads to control. What are you afraid of because what you fear you attract. Does that make sense?

I raised this in MC, and said that when two people get married it's not a case of 'I cant promise we'll stay together but I'll try'. When you take your marriage vows you make a commitment to each other with the intention of staying together. Am I wrong? Am I asking for too much too soon?

You are not wrong but what if his feelings don't comeback and he says "I don't love you the way a man should love a woman and you deserve someone who does but since I made this statement (vow) xx many years ago I will stick it out" Does that work for you?

H said in the session that he is committed, but he can't control his feelings, and therefore there is no guarantee that this is going to work out.

He's being open and honest with you.

He said last night that he doesn't want S/D any more than I do, that when he left he realised that he didn't want S/D. When I type all this, it seems clear that H wants to try, I just need to settle myself and stop thinking that he's about to leave again.

What you fear you will attract and what you look at will disappear.

We're still not wearing our wedding rings. I mentioned this to H two weeks ago and he said that he wanted us to be able to put them back on together, I guess that moment still doesn't feel right for him. I know there will be a right time to do this.

This sounds like fear to me PM99 which leads to pressure which leads to control. What are you afraid of because what you fear you attract. Does that make sense?

I think this is good because I keep saying to H that although we spend time together, we aren't bonding beyond the best friend thing.

Sounds like you are trying to control the situation

There's no middle ground between being best friends and having (or avoiding) sex. In the midst of all this H blurted out that getting intimate with me invokes feelings of the old me (controlling, undermining) and he was alluding to feeling some kind of blocker from the past related to my controlling behavior and withholding intimacy from him, which makes him shut down emotionally when we're intimate.

He's being open and honest with you.

He got upset at this point.

Pressure

MC asked if he saw the old me when we are trying to get close and H said yes.

He's being open and honest with you.

After the session H and I had a long, long hug and he said he felt really positive.

So what are you afraid of PM99?

I do feel positive, I need to keep reminding myself that he doesn't want S/D either. I need to believe that feelings can be switched on just as they have been switched off. I need to not overthink and just live in the moment. And I need patience...please send me some of your patience!!!

I agree!

I think the problem you are having PM99 is that you are still holding on too tight. You should be looking at this as an opportunity to start something new with H. If his feelings come back then great you have a marriage 2.0. If they do not you part amicably knowing you tried everything to make it work and truly mean it.

If you continue to operate from fear that you are not enough he most likely will have no choice but to believe you.

Good luck!