Point of no return

[SteveLW]

Just an update from me and I appreciate I'm not fully following your advice at the moment.

I got through the night with a couple of hours sleep.

I've ended up having a one hour telephone conversation with my wife. A bit to clear the air, share frustration that she is dating so visibly at this early stage and go back on some topics. Explained that contact will need to be cut. We ended in years but both accepting that it is the end and she will now need to proceed with her new relationship and go from there without me being around. She obviously knows it.

This is you trying to control her, and her resisting that control. This is why we say never to give ultimatums. It rarely ever works out in your favor. What you were saying was: "If you want us to work you have to end contact with him." That left her with all the power. She could cut contact and stay with you. Or she could end things with you and stay in contact with him.

A better approach would have been "I refuse to share my W with someone else. Either you end all contact with him or I go and file for D." See the difference? YOU are taking power by acknowledging that it is HER choice, but that YOU will take decisive action depending on her choice.

However, do not be fooled. Many WASs have agreed to no contact only to take their A even deeper undercover. Rarely do these exchanges ever result in the WAS recommitting to the marriage. Why? BECAUSE WORDS ARE MEANINGLESS. She can say whatever she wants, and do the opposite. BELIEVE NOTHING SHE SAYS.

So yes, this 1 hour phone call was a terrible idea. I assume you are the one that initiated? Which once again makes you look weak, pathetic, and desperate. No man has ever won a woman over with desperation.

Okay it goes against everything advised so far but will now have to fight to comply with the detachment. I'm broken and can't keep being broken on multiple occasions in the coming weeks and months. I need to accept she is gone and never coming back, even if I'm convinced I could have been really good for her.

This is good, but what are you going to do? Typing this is one thing, putting into action is another. ACTION....NOT WORDS.

I can't see beyond the next hour at the moment. I've spoken to my doctor and they will give me low dose anti-depressents. I'm awaiting a call back from a work counselor and will look into permanent therapy.

I am not a fan of ADs. Masking your pain likely will set you back, not move you forward. Personally I am only an advocate of this approach if the LBS is having thoughts of self harm. The IC is a great idea.

I'm sorry I've been unable to follow the advice so far, it is such a shame I didn't find this site a year or so when there may have been time and space to change her thinking and before someone else gave her a distraction.

This is wrong. You've CHOSEN not to follow the advice. We see it all the time. Those that DB well give themselves about a 50/50 shot (some will argue that figure). Those that DB poorly begin to lower their chances approaching zero. Pressure, pursuit, control, holding on for dear life, and looking weak and pathetic has an extremely low chance of working. This is what LH tried to tell you above. You can wallow in self-pity, or you can pull up your big boy pants and start moving forward.

And it is never too late to DB. All of the things espouse here can have profound effects on your WAS. GAL. Continuing to self-improve (including IC), detachment, listening and validating, etc all work wonders in relationships. If you think about it, look at the opposite of DBing: Having no life, remaining a damaged individual, over attaching to other people, arguing for what you think is right (right-fighting) all leads to a miserable life, problems with work, dysfunctional friendships and relationships with family. This is why R2C always says you DB for life!!!

DJH, if I remember right you are fairly young. Start DBing now. It may not save your marriage, but it will set you up for success in your next relationship.