Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

Hi Pommy! How are things going? One question I had-- in the MC session, did you guys talk about EAP being in the rearview mirror for good and how he was going to do that?

May, we had MC this morning. H has said this week and again this morning that she is gone, that he has no intention of being in touch and the thought of the deceit and lies makes him feel physically sick. He reiterated this in the session today. He said I didn't deserve to have been lied to, and it makes him feel sick and he would not go back down that road again. He finally gets it that I don't trust him and a couple of times has said that he knows he hasn't earned my trust but please believe him that there is no-one else involved. He took a phone call in the garden the other day while I was working upstairs with the window open, and then quickly moved to the front driveway out of earshot. This sent me into a bit of a spiral - a secret phone call in the garden was how I discovered the EA. He realized afterwards how it had looked and came up to show me his phone and who he had been talking to. It was a good friend of his whom he was confiding in and he explained that sometimes he will want privacy. I said that was fine - privacy and secrecy are different things. Little by little I am believing him that he is not in touch with her. At the back of my mind, however, is your H and the AP reaching out 4 months into NC.

The last few days has been up and down - H has been distant, which makes me distant, and then we feed off each other's negative energies. I said to him that I was finding the uncertainty difficult. His response is that he cant make any promises but he wants to try. That doesn't make me feel so great as it seems very non-committal. I raised this in MC, and said that when two people get married it's not a case of 'I cant promise we'll stay together but I'll try'. When you take your marriage vows you make a commitment to each other with the intention of staying together. Am I wrong? Am I asking for too much too soon? Is it just semantics? H said in the session that he is committed, but he can't control his feelings, and therefore there is no guarantee that this is going to work out. He said last night that he doesn't want S/D any more than I do, that when he left he realised that he didn't want S/D. When I type all this, it seems clear that H wants to try, I just need to settle myself and stop thinking that he's about to leave again. We're still not wearing our wedding rings. I mentioned this to H two weeks ago and he said that he wanted us to be able to put them back on together, I guess that moment still doesn't feel right for him. I know there will be a right time to do this.

We talked a lot about intimacy and what is missing. MC wants us to go back to basics now of non-sexual contact and just 'being' together, naked, etc, just talking, touching (non-sexual), spending time with the other person, no other distractions or expectations. I think this is good because I keep saying to H that although we spend time together, we aren't bonding beyond the best friend thing. There's no middle ground between being best friends and having (or avoiding) sex. In the midst of all this H blurted out that getting intimate with me invokes feelings of the old me (controlling, undermining) and he was alluding to feeling some kind of blocker from the past related to my controlling behavior and withholding intimacy from him, which makes him shut down emotionally when we're intimate. He got upset at this point. MC asked if he saw the old me when we are trying to get close and H said yes. That was near the end of the session but MC recognizes that the past is still an issue that we need to work on. It somehow ties in to my mum and her toxic influence in our marriage - H raised this, and spoke about how much he loathes her, and how she used to make him feel. I fully support him in what he said. I cant defend her in anyway. I have a lot to answer for on this subject also.

After the session H and I had a long, long hug and he said he felt really positive. I do feel positive, I need to keep reminding myself that he doesn't want S/D either. I need to believe that feelings can be switched on just as they have been switched off. I need to not overthink and just live in the moment. And I need patience...please send me some of your patience!!!