A year on and standing 2

[SteveLW]

Wow. Tosmile welcome back, but boy are you foundering. You are like a disabled ship that hasn't sunk yet, but is no longer moving either. You appear to be drifting in the current, with no clear direction.

I see above a failed attempt to listen and validate. "I told her I understand how she felt, and sometimes it's too much and just try to validate her messages. But I also reminded her that she was the one who mentioned to let it go then, why bringing all these up now?"

I see a lot of capitulation. On buying the other house. On having your parents care for the kids. On getting a dog (did you really agree to get a dog right after BD?!?). I do not see a lot of behavior on your part that is commanding respect. It is as if you are trying to nice her back. To quote one of the most wise posters on this board: YOU CANNOT NICE HER BACK!! Look what happens when you give in to her? She blames you: "She was the one who wanted to buy the dog we are having now 2 years ago. But because of the responsibilities, now she's telling the children I was the one who wanted the dog and bought it????" How's that capitulation working out for you?

Where is your GAL? I do not see any mention of you going out and doing things. I see you sitting home, watching her like a hawk. "One thing I do note that she seldom have late nights out now days but she would go out for short periods during the day during the weekends. And ever since my parents stopped coming over, she's returning home more frequently for dinner." How is noting her behavior helping your situation? Do you think watching her like this makes you more or less detached?

Tosmile, you also are expressing a feeling of being stuck. And you are! (See ship analogy above.) So what are YOUR plans? I see you mentioning her draft and that nothing else has been done. You are like a man with your head in a guillotine waiting for the blade to drop. What an awful place to be in!

So, it has been two years. Do you want to be here, in this same place, probably with even more capitulation to her, in another two years? I highly suggest you set a date. "On 7/18/2021, if she still isn't fully committed back to the marriage, then I will go hire my own lawyer and file for divorce." Tosmile, your last post makes me sad. It shows me a man that has been completely emasculated because he is afraid. Fear will cause you to do the wrong things, to be stuck, to continue to be unattractive to your STBXW (can you say lack of respect?).

So, what are you going to do? Forget her. Forget trying to save the marriage. What are you going to do to save yourself? What are you going to do to teach your kids that it is not okay for them to be abused the way you have been for the last two years? What if you were one of your kids, and she was one of their spouses? Would you want them to tolerate what you've been tolerating?