The fact that she wants to "vision" is a great thing. It offers you an excellent opportunity to exhibit your differentiation, stand up for the things you believe in and practice self-soothing as you do so. Secondly, it offers you the opportunity to differentiate without the topic being sex. My W and I have no issues on the table right now to deal with so I'm a little envious of your position.
My W and I used to never confront each other. Now that we are doing it more often, we are realizing that we actually have a good communication pattern (Gottman) and can laugh and be nice. Sure, she might flood and shut down and walk out of the room sometimes but we always seem to end in a better, more loving and intimate place afterwards. I hate to use this metaphor but if you think of the bond that is formed between war buddies, you'll see how shared, emotional experiences can work in your favor.
In your sitch, this could be a great thing. I think I remember that your W made some concession in her career or location. I sometimes think that there's a relationship between "not following a dream" and LD but I'm not sure. Maybe violating your own integrity creates some self-loathing or something...but it's not our problem to solve, it's theirs if they want to have the marriage last.
If you guys were fairly physical in the beginning of the marriage, there is no reason not to let her know that those activities contributed greatly to the reasons you were married and happy in the beginning and that you desire a life like that. I just erased 3 paragraphs that explained how to do the PM thing and discussing the sex life but the more I started thinking about it, I realized that it might just be best to work through the visioning process and pay close attention to times in your conversation where you want to disagree with something she says. These "points" are going to become "jewels" for your differentiation practice. You don't have to win, but you will have an opportunity to be "heard".
I'm also not saying you should avoid talking about your desire to have a more passionate marriage. I think there's a place in there for it but you should also try to listen empathetically to whatever is motivating your W to want this change. I've played out lots of convos in my head but in the end it should just be straight forward in terms of what you want and giving them a clear 2-choice dilemma. I've always wanted to ask my W questions like "you really don't want to ML at all?" and get into a huge discussion etc. But all that talk is a waste of time and energy because it really doesn't do us any good to try to get into their head. It's not our job to accommodate their behaviors that negatively affect us (and the R) so don't even bring it up. WAIT, let me repeat this in another way... It's a violation of our own integrity to accommodate ANY behavior that negatively affects us. Therefore, their lack of desire needs to be handled "situationally" instead of generally. Tim is doing a good job of being considerate about his W's allergies but he's not backing down either. If her allergies persisted for 6 months, then I would expect that she's figured out a way to deal with it bed with Tim. I've got an oozing, blistered, poison-ivy arm and it really made me self-conscious about coming home and wanting to ML. But last night, I wore a black, long sleeve shirt...problem solved. Of course, I'm HD.
I'm rambling. Sorry hd.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
