I'm sorry you are struggling right now but it does get a lot better.
I just want to point out you that everything you feel has nothing to do with your H and has everything to do with your loss of control and stability. Your brain will try to convince you to pursue him to get that feeling of control and stability back. It will even try to convince you it was all your fault to try to get you to pursue. Although I think you have issues you need to work out with IC it's very clear to everyone on the board that your H is a pretty $hitty human being.
It's a process you have to go through and the quicker you let go the faster you heal.
