Newlywed and DB-ing (part 3)

[funbun]

I woke up earlier than I should today and couldn't fall back to sleep. I found myself ruminating on the situation that I am in. My ruminations led me to read old text conversations that I had with my Ex when I broke up with her three years ago (this Ex is the one before STBXW, whom I had 11 years of R with).

I realized that the mentality that I had at that time is most likely the same as what STBXW right now. The same script was there "ILYBIDLY", "You deserve better", "this R is not worth saving", "You'll just waste your time and you're better off finding someone else", "I am done", etc. I still remember how I felt at the time when I wanted to end my R with my Ex. I remember how determined I was to exit. She begged and reasoned, but nothing could change my mind. She went NC on me, and three months after checked in on me but nothing's changed. I had tunnel vision and my mind was set only on one thing: an out and to move to a new R with STBXW.

My Ex was good to me. We lasted for 11 years after all. But the fact is, our R was becoming dull, she became too comfortable and I was slowly losing my attraction to her. Couple that with my developing feelings with STBXW, who back then was this shiny pretty funny interesting new person. I tried to keep the fire burning with my Ex, but after a year of trying, I had to make a decision.

To her I was selfish to decide to end things abruptly. I was an a$$h*le. I know. I felt guilty. I remember being cold to her and was avoiding her confrontations or anything that made me uncomfortable.

The same thing is now happening to me 3 years after. It feels like karma.

So I can understand what STBXW is going through. We had a difficult R before M. She was slowly losing attraction because of the arguments that kept repeating. Tried her best to keep the flame going. She was getting tired. Deep down she feels something is wrong, but she felt that she is in too deep and couldn't pull out. She was hoping, maybe, just maybe, once we're married, she would finally find her happiness. We married. She still wasn't feeling happy for reasons that I won't know. She broke down, couldn't take it anymore and wanted out to save herself from further unhappiness.

She's determined to exit this M to save herself. Nothing can stop her. To her, this is a mission for the greater good. To her, her feelings are valid. Who am I to deny her feelings? She's on a warpath. So the best thing I can do, let go, go out of her way, and let her go on this journey of hers. I know she feels lost, and so what I can do is to let her find her answers on her own. Who knows what she'll find at the end, but I wish her the best.

Just like me three years ago, I wanted more. I went on a journey to find happiness, but that lead me to further unhappiness. In truth, what I've been looking for was right in front of me all along. To be happy is to be grateful. I wanted to fill in the emptiness I feel in my heart. I felt like I don't have enough. I didn't have an abundance mindset. All this time, I just needed gratitude. I should've known that what I had was enough, and furthermore, that I was enough.

I understand better now. This journey is one that I had to take: I had to break up with my Ex, this sitch has to happen, otherwise I wouldn't learn this lesson. If you ask me if I regretted marrying STBXW, I don't. The D will happen tomorrow. I will think of it like a badge of honor, a scar that represents the battles I fought, survived and grown.