Originally Posted by cardinal
So much of this sifting and questioning is just part of grief, I suppose, and wishing I had something to quiet the grief, like a stable story of H to tuck away in my memory.

Hi Cardinal, thanks for exploring this I am again right beside you. I’ve spent so much time, so many different angles looking for that elusive answer to “why”. What happened to cause this.

Then it hit me. It doesn’t matter.

My H was who he was and I loved him...that version of him. Something happened ... he’s changed....he’s not himself now. This new reality, as baffling as it is to us, doesn’t get to change who he was...because I say it doesn’t. Maybe they do have a personality disorder, a mental illness, or anything else we want to transfix on to give us some kind of answer for the current states we find ourselves in.

But you know what? It doesn’t matter.

I’m doing my best this week to stop looking in the rear view mirror. Those moments, days and experiences are done...already lived. And I choose to no longer let this dark MLC cloud hijack or gaslight my past feelings, opinions or reality of what that past was for me and for us as H and wife.

I went through months and months of feeling like my whole life and marriage was a farce and fake ....what does that do for me? Nobody really has the answer to that and there’s nothing to be done about it anyway even if it was the case.

I know you’re not there yet, and you want understanding. Just refocus the understanding to you and not H.

Your peace is coming and I feel all kinds of wonderful things for you. I saw two rainbows last week and they made me so happy with the simple things in life. I had a fire, watched the stars and sat in a forest. I’ve grounded myself. You can do this too when you are ready. I’ve learned you can’t force your timeline. It’ll happen when you’re ready and you’ll drop the rope a little more.

(((Hugs)))
K