Through the World Barefooted -- Gerda's LBS Guide

[Gerda]

I agree your H’s behaviour of litigation and running is weird. He is very much still running. I do wonder when/if he will tire.

It is nice to read your standing at an emotional precipice, looking, considering, planning, to let go of something.

...

You stand atop the precipice, looking out, what do you need to let float away, to bring that fulfilling imagination to fruition.

You are strong, confident, and secure. Let go. You won’t fall.

D

OK but what I really want is for you to show up in your green cape and workpants and workboots and beat the crap out of H and his lawyer. Would that also be possible? That's something I could fall confidently into. : )

Here's the thing I have been noticing. It's the court stuff and the messages from lawyers and brokers. I have been writing my papers for the next stupid pointless conference of H trying to get out of even the crappy stipulation he forced me to stick to before Covid, and everything I write in it is so true and clear and obvious. And yet I know that my particular judge, the one who won't let us move on to trial for some reason -- is very likely to just scream at me as much as she screams at him and that she might do something that will force me to file an appeal.

And yet, what is scary about that? Why does it make me feel like someone is coming to kill me? I have my confidence back in every other way, I mean at least as much as I think is possible for me waking back up into the world when my body is starting to sag, fade, wrinkle and get veiny -- but when I see a note from the lawyer or a message from court, my entire being turns into the flight impulse and waves of despair consume me for a whole day. I am talking even about something like his lawyer's secretary sending me a request to e-file, which I ignore and won't do, but just even that starts the cycle. I reach the point of strength and power eventually but my entire being is longing with far too much energy for the end of this nightmare, so I don't have to deal with them anymore ever.

The stipulation I signed says I have the right to buy him out of our city place if he doesn't get an offer by June 1. He has to have it reappraised and I get to buy him out at that price. Before Covid, I had started an application to refinance so I could do that. But now I can't do it until things go back to normal as my rental income is too low. So I have to battle for the judge to enforce the stipulation and also give me a reasonable amount of time to come up with the refinance, which at this point means at least a year.

I know that no matter what, this is what I want. Because even if I have to sell the place next month, I have to do it without H and his broker. You cannot believe the nefarious things they have done,the lying and the false documents. So I just want to be free of them even if I have to sell the place right away. Meanwhile H refused to do the appraisal and filed a motion to take away all my rights to buy him out and allow him to continue marketing my home without my participation or representation and to continue to not pay child support and also to cover all his legal bills. We have about 1/4 of our usual rental income and I now have no lawyer at all, but he is still doing this, and his lawyer continues to work without getting paid, thinking he will have his pot of gold at the end.

There is a lot I am leaving out here but I am just trying to say that I have the same depths of anxiety and fear, wake up almost sick with it, but it's all compartmentalized. I have total detachment from H, no feelings of missing him or loving him or any of that, but I am terrified of anything related to the D. None of them know that, I look very tough to them. But I hate feeling that way and letting it cloud my mind, I hate how much time it [censored] from my life and my work and my mood with my kids -- and every fiber of my being longs for freedom from this horror, just to live on my own, no longer tied to this disgusting process and his fangs in my leg, not letting me go.

P.S. Noticed that the platform edited out a verb above as a censored verb but I was using it literally, the thing one does with a straw!