Point of no return

[sandi2]

Hi Damian, I want to urge you to post daily. You don't have to post a lot, if you don't have much to say. The board is your support group, and the more you read the more questions you may have.

Your story is a familiar one, and I can only guess at how much you are down on yourself at the moment. It is vitally important that you focus on Damian, and become the man Damian respects. When you reinvent yourself and begin liking the man you've become, it will change how others see you........including your W. Women are designed in such a way that their attraction and their feelings of being in love is tied to their respect for their H. So, if her respect for him as a man begins to fade, so will her attraction for him fade. Respect = attraction, and that is the formula or measuring stick to use from this point forward. Ask yourself if it is attractive for a jilted H to sit by his phone all day, waiting & hoping his W (who has another man) will call. As a woman, I can clearly tell you it is not attractive. As a woman who had OM, I can promise you it would be a complete turn-off if your W knew you were looking at your phone hoping she'll contact you.

Your marriage troubles have surpassed the point where your W longed for you to fill her emotional needs. She has fired you as her H, and is currently involved with another man who she thinks is the answer to her unhappiness. I don't say this to hurt you, but to get you to see that you've got to respond to this situation in a way that will probably want to resist. By that, I mean that you probably want to convince her how much you love her and how committed you are to working on the MR if she'll just give you another chance. I have to tell you that it doesn't work that way. We will try to share with you what we've learned, what works and doesn't work.

Okay, so the first thing we usually tell a newcomer is to detach. What does detaching mean? First, let me tell you what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean you stop loving her. It doesn't mean you act hateful, respond with mean words, or take revenge on her. It means you step away from her drama. You step away from rescuing her when she needs something. You step away from being her dutiful H. Remember, she fired you, and she has OM, so you are no longer required to fix something that breaks down at her house, or her car, or run errands, or whatever. You don't run to her when she snaps her fingers. Although everything in you wants to run to her, you must refuse. Let her rely on her OM. Don't let it scare you, b/c this is needed in order for her to get a glimpse of life without you.

This advice usually scares the newcomer, b/c he uses Hollywood films as his guide in what works. He thinks he needs to pursue his W, in as many ways as he can find. He'll use as many words possible to keep her tied in a conversation; send her flowers; show up at certain events he thinks she'll attend; show up at her family celebrations; send her gifts/cards on Valentine's Day, her birthday, Christmas, etc. He'll use his child or anything else as an excuse to contact her during the day/night. Most women who want this separation and who are in an affair, seem to want to exchange photos of their child. She sends H a photo, and he thinks he has to respond with a text. Then when it's his turn to have the child, she'll want him to send her photos, as well. This is a method some women use to keep the H emotionally tied to her. Plus, photos can tell her where he is, what they are doing, etc. He may not mind whatsoever, and in fact, be happy for an excuse to send her a photo, and maybe a text along with it (I've seen it all). I may stand alone on this issue, but I discourage the entrapment of exchanging photos. Yes, I said "entrapment".

You may not want to do anything we recommend, b/c your emotions are trying to dictate your actions. It's okay to break down and cry, but don't do it front of her.......or D12. Don't respond to her when you are angry, sad, lonely, etc. If she asks something, or you need suggestions on a decision/action......please run it by the board before you act. Give it at least a couple of days & nights on small stuff. Fairly soon, you will be able to look from this view point: Will this command her respect for me as a man? Is this the action/behavior of an attractive, alpha male?

Apart from reading the links on the page Cadet posted, I encourage you to write out a plan of action for the next six months. A health regiment, activities with D12, GAL activities, personal goals, etc. This plan of action needs to focus on you reinventing yourself. If you need IC to deal with things, then do it. When I read your story, I saw a man who didn't have much, apart from his wife & child, and he wasn't happy. You may think you would be happy if your W would come back, but if you don't learn to be happy without her.....why would she think you would be different if she went back? It's not easy, but it's very doable, b/c it doesn't depend upon another person. It's you working on you, while you leave her alone to sort out her own stuff. Please don't tell her you are working on yourself!!! It just kills me when I read where some LBH shares this type information with his wife. No more sharing personal things with her. That means you don't tell her about you activities GAL, what it was, where it was, who was there, or when you got home. She no longer has the right to know things about your personal life. She walked away from it.

Having a daughter 12 years old, shouldn't require as much interaction with your W..........say, like a small child might. When you must discuss something about D12, make sure you stay on that one topic only. Try to keep your emotions from showing, and speak in a professional business manner, as much as possible. I realize this is your child, and it may not always be easy, but I'm just giving you sort of pattern to use for now.

I have made physical changes though - regular exercise, 4 stone weight loss, more activities, etc, which have been noticed but without resulting in any change.

By "change" you mean in her feelings and/or change in the sitch. You've got to stop that line of thinking, b/c it's destructive to your mental attitude. She has to have time to process a few things for herself. It's hard for the LBH to step back when his W is being influenced by new people in her life, but she is not going to hear anything you say. This may, or may not, have started b/c of your neglect & depression, however, she has entered into a different realm, so to speak. She's not just a WAW who left a H & MR that showed no signs of life. She's involved in an affair, maybe involved with new friends, etc. I doubt there is anything you could do at this moment, that would bring her home to stay. If you are constantly looking back at her to see if she notices change........you will feel defeated. I wish there was a faster, easier solution. I'm sharing what I've seen work when the W leaves and is involved with OM.

I suspect your first question will be, "How will she know I'm changing"? Don't worry, she'll know if you genuinely change as a man. Your job isn't to show her. Your job is to become the most attractive, alpha male possible. If you accomplish your job, and let life/time take care of her........you will come out winning.

My life would be really good if I could just sort the marriage dimension.

Well, there you go! Turn your attention away from the marriage dimension and focus on your good life getting even better. It is your best shot!