Finding patience and facing fear

[Kindly]

Hi dnj! How are you? I get so excited when I see your posts because you make me think deeper.

What do you say when a mutual friend reaches out (Who works with H) and says “talked to H ...hope you’re doing ok”??

How about - “You know, surprisingly, really good.”

The mind does funny things....I remember during the first few confusing, awful weeks leading up to and just after BD feeling like he wouldn’t leave if I wasn’t doing well, if I needed help.

I think back then I truly felt like if I was broken, a victim, lost, he wouldn’t go. This is SOOOO not me.

fear and confusion left me in a flight or fight state of not knowing what to do and mixed up rationalizations. I think in the back of my head I still think if he thinks I’m fine it’s almost “letting him off the hook”, that his behaviour is completely fine....twisted I know.

I know I’ve come a long way because now I don’t care nearly as much, the rope has been dropped...it’s still within sight and moments where it’s hanging within reach, but it’s not firmly in my hand anymore.

My other trigger is “what has he said to other people” brought on by his 100% normal and happy demeanour around his friends and family. I can’t shake this. I tell myself who cares, live your life...but it’s mind boggling that I’m treated like the sole enemy and he has enough sense still to turn MLC behaviour on and off?? Doesn’t seem legit...makes me think I’ve got this situation all wrong.

Don’t worry you got the situation correct.
H is in MLC. He will expend incredible energies to maintain his fantasy. Far, far, more than you can trying to battle his view. He needs to, he is driven to.

Rinse. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat .... I can’t hear this enough. This board is the only place I get validation from people who “know and get it”. This applies to the MLC mask you speak of as well. Thank you.

And why do they act nice when they are up to something? Guilt?

Is it abusive behaviour or disrespectful behaviour? .

It’s definitely disrespectful but I’d say at times it borders on psychologically mental/emotional abuse. The gaslighting, the Jekyll and Hyde spew fits, the loud conversations he wants me to hear and then the door shutting for his “secret” convos....I could go on.

By me dropping the rope I realize I control what affects me.

I think I find difficulty with sharing the space in that I used to come home from work and see his car in the driveway and be sooo happy he was home to now a pit of dread that has replaced that old happy feeling.

I encourage you to follow your path. The one you wanted to, and still want to, follow.
Indifference will happen. Without doubt. You are already within striking distance, be patient.
You are not lost. In truth, you are about to be found.
Have faith my friend.
D

Your support, understanding and calm resolve/advice giving keeps me strong(er). Thx so much dnj.
K.