Hi Jimmy. I think it sounds like you are handling things really well. I guess it depends on whether you are open to reconciliation or if you think you can be “just friends”. I suspect she is telling you “just friends” to remove any expectations of the two of you getting back together and thus the pressure. All behaviour has meaning...she is reconnecting for reasons she may not even recognize.
If you are okay with being friends, I would continue to do what you’ve been doing. Live your life and respond to her when she reaches out as you would a friend. If you are hoping to reconcile, I would still do that, however, I would make it clear in my actions that I was moving on and not waiting for her. In other words, I wouldn’t always be okay with her joining the family outings and you could even let her know it is because you are not wanting to give your kids the wrong impression or you are wanting to get used to life without her always being around. Perfectly understandable given the circumstances. I think if you sit back and act “meh”, she will start to pursue you more. Seems to me you are in the driver’s seat right now even though she may think that she is...lol.
She wants some family time. All the benefits of being a family, but she doesn’t want to be a wife. Which is fine as long you don’t want her as a wife and you know it’s nothing more than family time.
But this is where she is real Smooth: let’s make it like old times. I’m going to give you a little kiss and let you touch me. Sleep next to me, etc. I’m going to breadcrumb you just enough that you will have this ounce of hope that will allow me to eat all the cake I want..... then when you begin to think it could be more, I’m going to tell you we are still friends.
Then maybe you’ll back off. Then she will give you just a little more because she still wants her cake. A hug. A compliment. Bring up an old memory .... back in the hook you are.....
I totally agree with what Ginger is saying and if I was more familiar with your sitch, I could comment with more certainty. Only you know your wife...the rest of us are just theorizing based on what you tell us and our own experiences. I would caution you on one thing though, unless you know different... I would caution you against assigning any ill intent to your wife’s actions. In other words, unless she is a sociopath, I don’t think she is sitting at home plotting on how to screw you over. I think she is like most humans... she is acting on her feelings. Sometimes she probably really misses family time which is when she reaches out. Sometimes she feels like it is too much which is when she retreats. She is likely conflicted. I don’t think it benefits you to theorize or overanalyze her motives other than that she is acting in a way that is congruent with how she is feeling in the moment and probably isn’t too worried about how it affects you or what message it sends...especially since you seem to be doing just fine.
So the ball is really in your court. If you are okay with status quo, keep doing what you are doing. If you want to stop the cake eating, then stop it. Two things could happen. 1. She could accept it and slowly fade from your life; or 2. It could scare her and make her examine her feelings and actions a little more closely. In the end, she may still choose to fade away from your life or maybe she would choose to do some work on herself and on your relationship which she would have no choice but to do if she wants to stay married. Really just depends on your resolve and what you are willing or not willing to put up with. Just my opinion... for what it is worth.
i'm back for a check in and update on my stich. The summer had been chugging along and actually flying by.Summer job has been great and working on the house and fun with the boys. Nothing new on paperwork. She still hasn't paid her half of the house and pension appraisal. 3 letter across 3 months have been sent to her atty as a reminder. i have called off my attny to file a motion and just let it sit. 1 it will cost more money and 2 if she wants a divorce she will move on it.
Lately she has been asking to join us at the beach on my day of the weekend, join us for bike rides and 2 weeks ago asked if she could could come camping with me and the boys. I said yes and she did. no questions were asked about sleeping arrangements and I packed only our large family tent. The day we left she texted me at work letting me know her and the boys were at the house already (i'm in the house she across town a bit at her parents) and asked if she could do anything to help pack. I told her she could pack the cooler with stuff bought in the fridge but everything else was ready.
I get home all is good the boys are excited and I go to jump in the shower and she had cleaned the bathroom and straightened up the bedroom. I noted it and thanked her and away we went. We get to the campground and we fall into our normal efficient roles of setting up. After the tent is set up she is in there w/ sleeping bags and stuff and askes if she should set it up as usual and I say sure. Normal is the the boys on one side and us on the other with sleeping bags laid out like a queen bed with sheets not in separate bags. We sleep both nights 1 foot from each other. We have not shared a bed in almost 2 years. There was a little hand holding and she put my hand on her side in the middle of the night.
There was even a couple of hugs and when we got home she helped totally unload all the gear and clean the truck. We finished 2 hours after getting home. There seemed no rush for her to get back to her parents house. That night she commented that it was an awesome weekend and I responded it was.
Beach day yesterday and she comes a bit after me and the boys but before friends and puts her chair right next to mine, not feet away or even a foot. Everyone had a great day. She also asked me if I would go into the city with her and be with her for some testing she needs to get done for her lung issue next Friday
This morning I get a text from her saying that she has fun with me and the boys but just to be clear she just wants to be friends. Yesterday she also brought up going camping again for Labor Day weekend as a 5 day weekend.
I didn't respond to the text this morning and just intend to let it lay. Thoughts? Advice?
2 boys 6 and 8 Together 12 years Married 9 in September Not sure she wants to work on marriage comment July 2018 Living seperately Since April 2019 Papers delivered last September
So your in the same place you were 2 months ago. It's your life but I'm not sure what you are waiting for and why you told your lawyer to let it sit.
Your STBXW wants to be BFFs. Maybe you are open to that. You've said you're not but actions speak louder than words. The romantic NJ is winning out over the pragmatic NJ.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
i'm back for a check in and update on my stich. The summer had been chugging along and actually flying by.Summer job has been great and working on the house and fun with the boys. Nothing new on paperwork. She still hasn't paid her half of the house and pension appraisal. 3 letter across 3 months have been sent to her atty as a reminder. i have called off my attny to file a motion and just let it sit. 1 it will cost more money and 2 if she wants a divorce she will move on it.
Lately she has been asking to join us at the beach on my day of the weekend, join us for bike rides and 2 weeks ago asked if she could could come camping with me and the boys. I said yes and she did. no questions were asked about sleeping arrangements and I packed only our large family tent. The day we left she texted me at work letting me know her and the boys were at the house already (i'm in the house she across town a bit at her parents) and asked if she could do anything to help pack. I told her she could pack the cooler with stuff bought in the fridge but everything else was ready.
I get home all is good the boys are excited and I go to jump in the shower and she had cleaned the bathroom and straightened up the bedroom. I noted it and thanked her and away we went. We get to the campground and we fall into our normal efficient roles of setting up. After the tent is set up she is in there w/ sleeping bags and stuff and askes if she should set it up as usual and I say sure. Normal is the the boys on one side and us on the other with sleeping bags laid out like a queen bed with sheets not in separate bags. We sleep both nights 1 foot from each other. We have not shared a bed in almost 2 years. There was a little hand holding and she put my hand on her side in the middle of the night.
There was even a couple of hugs and when we got home she helped totally unload all the gear and clean the truck. We finished 2 hours after getting home. There seemed no rush for her to get back to her parents house. That night she commented that it was an awesome weekend and I responded it was.
Beach day yesterday and she comes a bit after me and the boys but before friends and puts her chair right next to mine, not feet away or even a foot. Everyone had a great day. She also asked me if I would go into the city with her and be with her for some testing she needs to get done for her lung issue next Friday
This morning I get a text from her saying that she has fun with me and the boys but just to be clear she just wants to be friends. Yesterday she also brought up going camping again for Labor Day weekend as a 5 day weekend.
I didn't respond to the text this morning and just intend to let it lay. Thoughts? Advice?
2 boys 6 and 8 Together 12 years Married 9 in September Not sure she wants to work on marriage comment July 2018 Living seperately Since April 2019 Papers delivered last September
NJ, any updates?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
