No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[sandi2]

I have been thinking a lot about the whole making things worse concept and working on detaching from the unhealthy R with W now. I have come to the conclusion the best thing I can do I move on, forgive myself for my mistakes, entirely kill the dark side of me that took me here and make myself happy again.

Great!

I spend a lot of time thinking about the man I want to be and my core values. However many of those values are focused on my family and it is hard to see it as me and the kids right now, I need to improve on that perception of what my family is and why I cannot change that now, who knows what the future will bring.

It's all in how you define "family". If your W had died, instead of choosing separation, you would see yourself and your children as your family. Am I right? However, since your W willingly chose to separate/divorce you..........you give her all the power of being a family, and without her you have no family whatsoever? Your desire was to have your W come back, and have your children full time. I realize your family does not feel complete, b/c you miss that void she left. So, what do you do? You do the next best thing. That's how we deal with life, by doing the best with what we are given. When your children are staying with your W, that's the time you can ramp up GAL and doing activities you couldn't do if you had your young children along. When the children are staying with you, that's when you can enjoy one on one time with them.........and rather than focus on one person who doesn't want to be a family with you.........you focus on your family of three. That's the next best thing. That's taking what you have and making the most of it.

We exchanged kids yesterday, W told me some things about the children clothes, the things she had packed and the doctor for the small one as he has a minor thing in his heart we need to monitor. I listened to her and looked her in the eyes.

Okay, I think it's time we tweak this looking into her eyes. I think some LBH's have a tendency to overdo with looking into her eyes when she talks. I say this, based on how LBH's have trouble balancing what they read on the board. It's fine for you to maintain eye contact when she is going over the the doctor's report about the baby. If she's moving around doing things while she's telling you, then you won't be able to hold eye contact. Trying to follow her eyes as she walks around, would look a little creepy. You can look at her, and nod your head to indicate you hear her. Okay? Stay balanced.

Now let me try to clarify something important about looking into her eyes when she talks. The minute she takes the opportunity to start her old WAW cr@p, that's the minute you stop looking at her, and you walk out. Just b/c one of the rules says to look her in the eyes, doesn't mean you do it while she's berating you! Understand? You already know she's going to take a verbal whack at you every time you exchange the kids. Therefore, get the kids and get away from her as quickly as possible. No staring into her eyes at this point, okay? No hanging around for Paco's beating. If she's fuming at the mouth, you walk away. This is you manning up, so to speak, and she may not like the results, but those are the consequences.

Maybe you see yourself doing a 180 from when you would avoid talks in the past. I want you to realize this isn't what's happening. Forget applying that particular 180 with your W at this time......b/c it's not working! DBing is doing what works. Okay? So, scratch that one off your list........if, in fact, that's what you were trying to do. Being someone's cat to kick around does not earn respect.

I dont give importance to these things, I dont want to ask about them and what you think, I need to vent out and share this somewhere.

It's fine to come here and vent. I just want to make sure that you are clear about walking away the minute she starts her cr@p. Get the kids, get in the car, and drive away while her jaws are still flapping. This is you showing no tolerance for her disrespect & bullying tactics. "She'll get angry". Well, so what else is new? This is part of things getting worse before they can get better. Can you see what I mean here?

I wake up many days regretting that I was not more caring and turn to her physically as we were together. As I said I have asked my IC to dig deeper on why money has been such a source of issues in my past, why I withdrew when arguing with W and work to never let that happen again.

Only you really know how much time you spent earning a living for your family. When I was growing up, a man's role was to be the bread winner. He was financially responsible for his family. I can't remember if your W was a stay at home mom. These days, it takes both spouses working to support a family, or one spouse with a really good salary. I'm not trying to sound as if you should just get a free pass, but I do believe you need to cut yourself some slack.

I have not seen this coming but it is true that she is projecting some of those unhealthy thoughts on S6. The way she wont look inside as I am doing now is what I cannot understand. Perhaps as DR book states, by being always there, always trying to talk, always asking if she wants to go out with the kids... I have deprived her from the time to look inside and realize I am not the reason our R was the way it was and her unhappiness.

Exactly!

I think you are closer to seeing things a bit clearer. Once you stop acting as if you have no backbone, and stop allowing her to attack you.........your eyes are going to see things you've never noticed.

((hugs))