First post from an early 40s UK male dad on the difficult topic of separation / divorce. Although my situation has bounced around for some time, I never thought it would come to me positing for help but I’ve made all the mistakes so far, so shouldn’t be surprised.
I thought it would help me to write my situation and sadness down with the hope I might get some strong, honest, feedback reaffirming what my family are trying to tell me.
I write this after just a couple of hours sleep over the last few nights following one of those life changing moments, so I hope it makes sense. Let me explain…
Me: 44 / Wife: 45 / Daughter 12
It starts with a classic tale of moving to a new area for work, meeting a lovely girl at work and it was our 16th wedding anniversary last Friday. Prior to this I’d not had many relationships and from a classic English Northern family where we perhaps don’t do the touch feely / romance sort of stuff which we should.
All good in the early years, went through the pain of dealing with a parent’s cancer battle early on together and then a daughter arrives 4 years into the marriage. At this point, the new parent instincts kick in and I become a nest builder, wrapping daughter up in cotton wool and life goes into a fairly unexciting but valuable process of focus on child, work, home. Only quality time together though was an annual date night. I’d also really got bogged down mentally, piled on the weight, didn’t go out (no friends in the area) lost all confidence to travel and take holidays and just thought that providing for the family through this period was enough. Daughter was a difficult child to parent (turns out on the autism spectrum) and no family on my side anywhere near to support. Limited support from my wife’s family but that is not a criticism.
My wife mentioned on our annual date night in 2014 that I should get some help and we should go out more. I just didn’t take that in – combination of what turned out to be depression and as we travelled and worked together, when we did go out the conversation was limited. By 2015, my wife had said she had had enough and I started to listen to her issues with me – there was no fun, I had no get up and go, we didn’t go out enough or have holidays, etc. At this point I started to take some initial actions – new job, started to exercise to get some confidence back, even a couple of holidays in 2016. However, underlying all this was a deep set resentment on her part and she still would not agree to counselling to work through our issues constructively (generally they always turn into an argument). Basically said I had missed my chance. I hoped that seeing some changes over time would help her to agree to some counselling but in late 2018 she said she wanted to move out and I bought her share of the house. She moved a couple of miles away in mid-2019, although it took her a few months after buying her new place to move out, there was no pressure (I didn’t want her to go as thought the physical separation would become a barrier). This period prior to move out was when we had got on better than in last few years and even had some physical intimacy.
Anyway, we’ve kept in mixed contact over last year, shared our daughter and had a couple of afternoon out drinks back in Dec 2019 but things have been very up and down. I was hoping she might come around to counselling, especially when she had made comments that she has found it tough and the grass not being greener living on her own. However, she hasn’t shown any sign of change here, which then frustrates me and I have said many nasty untruthful immature things to her to get a reaction. That is the cycle of the last 14 months of physical separation. Having an autistic child hasn’t helped and has been the cause of some arguments and challenges.
Over the last few months there has been a change in her behaviour. She has picked up a new female friend who seems to be encouraging her to go out and drink and this has caused some issues around her getting home safely, etc. It now also worries my daughter – I get blamed for all this though and creating these worries for my daughter to adopt. This is now a further issue for my wife – she keeps going on about being monitored, not being able to go anywhere without questions, etc. I don’t see why it is such a big issue unless she has something to hide.
To cut a long story short, I just had that gut feel something else wasn’t right and she admitted on a couple of weeks ago that she has been contacted through the lockdown period by an ex-colleague and has recently been out for drinks a couple of times wife him. My gut feel says it’s more than drinks and more serious but she says it is the truth and is too early to tell, etc He is a little older than her and looks more extrovert and fun than me and I imagine can give her the things that she wanted from our marriage but I didn’t know until it was too late. In hindsight, they were easy to fix and I’ve grown / changed over the last few years to want them more also.
Since being hit by this and taking it very badly (e.g. 2 hour sleep a night, not eating, escaped to my parents 100 miles away, etc), we have had several tearful phone conversations. I explained to her how much I’ve been wanting to sort the issues out over the last 5 years, how much I feel and care for her, how I’ve started to change, etc. She says she never realised I felt this way and didn’t think I was bothered about our marriage. She asked me to write these feelings down which I did over 13 pages and which she said made her very upset. Since reading the letter, she called round for a chat and we hugged and we have had pleasant daily contact over the last 7 days. I sent her some flowers to mark our anniversary and wish her future love and happiness and she said she was incredibly touched by them and truly grateful. I collected my daughter yesterday from her and she even popped down to the car for a quick chat which was nice and first. Shortly after I called her asking if she needed anything for dinner and she was a little hesitant. I asked her if she was going out and she said she might be. I asked with him and she said yes. She had previously said a couple of drinks means nothing long term but I struggled with her going out again so soon with him after the positivity of last couple of weeks. It would appear she stayed out with him last night but not 100% confirmed.
She says that she cannot suddenly change her feelings after receiving the letter and I tell her I understand and I am not asking her too. I would just like to redicoer over time our friendship and see how it progresses However, I cannot carry on holding out hope whilst she continues to develop a relationship with someone else. I told her on the call last night that it has to be over from my perspective now and we need to break contact, other than essential contact in relation to my daughter.
I sit here the following day having not heard from her but in so much pain – sitting, hopping and checking my phone constantly. I cannot understand how we can go from the nice conversations and contact, to her going back out with someone else. It feels like I no longer know the girl
My head say I have to take control and convince myself there is no way back and we need to complete the divorce and move on (and let her new relationship develop to give her the future she couldn’t see with me). My heart says I would still do anything for her, albeit the issue of even an emotional relationship with someone else is difficult to accept. I’ve not left her alone and said some terrible things to her over the years to vent my frustrations and try to illicit a response to get some counselling, so don’t have much sympathy for myself to have changed her mindset.
I know the next step is to really work cut the contact, other than essential contact for our daughter and divorce preparation. I will also accept I will have to watch from not far away how her new relationship develops, especially with social media. It will extreme painful for me. As I live a long way from family, I really worry about just being on my own in the local area having to manage this. The last year has been so lonely and all that I have focussed on is having her back in my life.
I’d welcome any observations – it’s a 99.9% lost cause as far as I can see it. In the meantime, I’m a complete emotional mess and can’t get the thought of her being with anyone else out of my head. It breaks my heart.
