No changes on WAW - Pack_19 Part II

[Pack_19]

hi Sandi and all others!

This is one of the messages I will have to read over and over again. Thanks a lot for your words Sandi, you are always a breath of fresh air in this situation.

I have spent a good first fortnight in August. I missed the kids terribly, I had not been this long without seeing them since last winter. I have been working on the new project, going out with friends, trying to talk to other women as much as possible and focusing on my exercising and diet.

We exchanged kids yesterday, W told me some things about the children clothes, the things she had packed and the doctor for the small one as he has a minor thing in his heart we need to monitor. I listened to her and looked her in the eyes. When I am holding the small one and she wants to kiss him she always gets really close, I dont read anything there, I am just saying her body touches mine and it is hard for me, she seems comfortable next to me but then she says all that WAW cr@p...

She did not miss this opportunity to remind me I had taken us here, she does not want to be with me and I deserve someone who wants to be with me. She said I need to man up and stand the consequences of my actions. She said goodbye to the kids all cheerful and ignored me on her way back home. She told because I keep blaming her its like no time has passed, not the year that we have gone through. I dont give importance to these things, I dont want to ask about them and what you think, I need to vent out and share this somewhere.

I have been thinking a lot about the whole making things worse concept and working on detaching from the unhealthy R with W now. I have come to the conclusion the best thing I can do I move on, forgive myself for my mistakes, entirely kill the dark side of me that took me here and make myself happy again. It is impossible to start anew with a person that will not even have a cordial conversation and only has negatives opinions on you.

W is looking great as it is summer and we are all sun tanned and thinner (most of us.. hahaha) and I wake up many days regretting that I was not more caring and turn to her physically as we were together. As I said I have asked my IC to dig deeper on why money has been such a source of issues in my past, why I withdrew when arguing with W and work to never let that happen again.

BTW, the whistle was for the advice LH has given you.

He is the best, I might be now in a better position to re read all your post and gain a healthier mindset on my situation.

Even when I told you to stop trying to get your W back, you continued pursuing through verbal conversations with her. You are not emotionally detached, and these actions pull you back into the belief you can verbally convince her that you are good enough to give you another chance. That line of thinking is wrong, for this situation. Until you stop trying to convince her you are good enough to be her H, you will be her slave and she will never respect you. Do know what I mean? You don't get a woman's respect by bowing down to her and twisting yourself into whatever mold she wants you to be. You get a woman's respect by being a man of integrity, honor, and core values, that guide your daily decisions. If the woman is too blinded by her own issues to recognize the value in him, then it's up to her to work through her issues. It time for you to stop beating yourself to a pulp, and seeing yourself as a failure. Learn from mistakes and move on. You can't make her love you.

I spend a lot of time thinking about the man I want to be and my core values. However many of those values are focused on my family and it is hard to see it as me and the kids right now, I need to improve on that perception of what my family is and why I cannot change that now, who knows what the future will bring. I have many friends now talking about buying houses, settling down and similar. It is very hard to listen to that on my side, I feel like I had plans and goals I need to give up not because of me. At the same time, I have had my life on hold for a year because of a W who can only show anger and disgust towards me. I am not going to say I have wasted a year, because I have implemented changes, but I dont think I can do anything to get my family back.

Taking an objective view is exactly what we want you to do. However, you cannot be objective when your emotions are tied to every word, every act, and every attitude shown in your W. With every breath you take, it seems to be linked with the idea you will convince your W to come back to you. Your mindset seems to be that you will either get good enough for her to take you back, or you can talk long & hard enough to change her mind. Neither of these avenues will lead to a successful reconciliation.

I will stop doing things for her or us. I will put myself at the centre and I will become the man I want to be and the father that these 2 mini monsters need as an example on their childhood.

No, she does not appreciate you as a father, b/c she is jealous of her children spending time with their father, and she is trying to corrupt the children's feelings for their father. Can you not see what she is doing to the oldest son? As he grows, she will talk to him with the same bitter attitude in which she talks to you. She will punish him much in the same way she is punishing you, through shaming tactics, accusations, threats, cold silence, etc. This can cause psychological damage to children. Frankly, your W seems to extend her mindset about you to how she feels toward her children, which is very unhealthy. Perhaps she has an unhealthy attitude toward all men, IDK. Perhaps her mother passed along old resentments of her own. It can happen within that mother-daughter relationship when the daughter is growing up.

I'm simply suggesting that this deep resentment and rage toward you......and her seemly, in the process of extending the same mentality of guilt & shame toward the oldest son (by attacking his self esteem, and making him feel guilty for the time he enjoys with his father, etc.) comes from a physiological depth that Paco cannot change. As I've told you in previous posts, this is her problem, and it's up to her to get help to change how she views things and how she feels. She cannot mature emotionally, as long as she holds others accountable for her happiness. If this attitude and mindset was established before she grew up, and before she married, then the target for any unhappiness would be her H. She has to blame someone else, instead of taking responsibility for own decisions and her own happiness. Emotionally immature people will blame someone else for their lack of success and/or happiness.

I have not seen this coming but it is true that she is projecting some of those unhealthy thoughts on S6. The way she wont look inside as I am doing now is what I cannot understand. Perhaps as DR book states, by being always there, always trying to talk, always asking if she wants to go out with the kids... I have deprived her from the time to look inside and realize I am not the reason our R was the way it was and her unhappiness. Not that I care, I honestly just want to be happy now, however that looks like for me now,.

I don't think her mindset will change as long as she can escape taking responsibility for her own happiness. How is she escaping responsibility? She escapes by blaming her H for her unhappiness, blaming her sons (who will grow into men) for her unhappiness, and basically seeing all men through a preconceived negative viewpoint. You have tried to prove her wrong, but she won't allow it. IMHO, you trying to be everything you think she wants in a H, can't be accomplished. Why? B/c she has allowed bitterness, playing the victim, and a sense of entitlement to fill her soul and her stubbornness has not soften. So, what have you done through all your attempts to prove you've changed and can be a much better H? You've reinforced her unrealistic ideas about MR. You took all the responsibly for the problems in the MR.......and, thinking if you did so, then you could change it by changing yourself. However, like many LBH's, you saw those improvements as a fix-all tactic to getting your W back. As we began to get a better view of your W, we tried to redirect how you interpreted these 180's or self improvement. You would often post a response with the correct wording of someone who understood what we said, but your actions continued repeating the very things we tried to discourage.

This is for me to read many times, thanks Sandi,.

WAKE UP, PACO!

I am on it. I will keep posting, thank you all for your help!
hugs! Packs