DnJ, Kindly, Sage, bttrfly: I am too tired to quote (it's crazy hot here and all energy, physical or mental, has been zapped), but I went back and re-read all of your comments yet again, and I think you for all of your wisdom and encouragement. You all said things I needed to hear (also, bttrfly, "my heart pumps kool-aid"—lol), and I have been able to find some calm at times since my last post, have definitely let go of some of the pressure I was putting on myself. It became clear to me I had responded to H's latest D announcement as if I were dealing with a rational person (let's get going, financial doc expectations, etc.), and as Kindly pointed out, slow, irrational MLC and rational LBS do not mix! Sage, I guess it's still true that the longer this goes on and we don't split expenses, the longer I have to hopefully find another job. I'm pretty mad that Congress couldn't get their act together to pass more aid, so without that, I really can't afford to pay even half of rent without going into small savings I have for L.
Thinking about what I fear and how to rationalize that, what I haven't let go... I still haven't let go of what my M was. I'm still putting energy into trying to understand it and what's happened with H. IC again suggested H is dealing with mental illness of some kind (his mom has a history of depression and anxiety) and that I won't be able to understand his current behavior because it is irrational. And, though of course she can't diagnose him, she did bring up some of his past/present behaviors that are indicative of borderline personality disorder. She said he has no consistent or solid sense of self, that he has likely always only been who I knew him as in the moment. I just felt the floor sort of shift under me when she said that. I've felt a little sick to my stomach ever since. You know how we always talk about MLC aliens--I guess this is underlining the possibility that H really may never come back to who I thought he was, not because of MLC but because he's not able to experience what it feels like to have a solid sense of self. All of this amplified my feelings of living with a doppelganger in a horror movie kind of way.
Our mutual friend had said to me that he may see our shared history in black and white now, as all bad, but that is what always happens when someone decides to D, and that it won't be that way forever. That's the idea behind WAS and MLCer's rewriting of history. But what if bpd means this is the inevitable progression of an R for H, seeing me and the R as bad?
I always tend to read when I don't understand something and want to. So I read more about bpd and H seems to share a lot of characteristics with "quiet" bpd--an aversion to and so suppression of "negative" emotions as a faulty coping mechanism, anger directed inward until over the years it began to be directed outward toward me, a tendency to think of some people as "bad" people. The MLCer does share many of these characteristics too. But I do think some of these were present many years before--especially suppression of anger, sadness, etc. and this tendency for his feelings to equal reality so that arguments would go in circles.
I read an old post where job wrote something like, learned behavior or personality disorder--it's hard to tell sometimes, and people who start with some of these characteristics are more likely to experience a full-blown MLC rather than a life transition.
I know these are more unanswerable questions. I know I need to let go of this need/desire to understand him. It's his journey and I'm on mine. What does it matter, MLC or bpd or some mix? I get that. But I'm not there yet. I still want to understand. It's hard to read about the experiences of people with bpd--it's sad to think that is potentially what H has felt inside for years but not been able to express or understand. And partly it still seems to matter because MLC has more hope attached to it, perhaps, then mental illness or a personality disorder, even though I know that either way it is always up to H to look inside and seek help.
I started out last year wanting to save my M and having a lot of hope for that. Then I really began to accept M was over, and my focus became wanting H to know somehow, deep down, that I loved him, that I had loved him, that I care about him and wish him well. It's hard to accept that because of H's state right now he is convinced that I never loved him.
Did anyone here go through this phase of questioning mental illness/personality disorder/MLC? I've found a few really old threads.
I hope you all are staying cool. Time to check on the chickens...
