not where I thought I would be

[DonH]

In case that wasn’t clear and I have offended anyone

No offense in the least even if I fit the demo. Worrying about offending people has become so over-rated. Far too many, rather than properly debate or refute a point, try to play the offended card instead.

On your point I think it’s a lot of things or at least could be. Sadly it’s pretty rare for people to change - at least significantly change. This guy will likely be who he is for the rest of his life. Either you like him and can accept him for who he is or he’s not for you. Sadly he’s not likely to have turned into the guy you were hoping for.

Age may have something to do with it. It gets really hard to keep trying and putting in 100% after the failures many of us have had. I usually put in 100% in my 20s Most of the time. In my 50s I still do but not really as often - maybe 25% of the time - 50% of the time ar most.

I again think OLD is a part of it. It’s a numbers game as many have said and it’s hard to bring your A game date after date, person after person, time after time.

Mostly I think it comes to two main items. One is we teach people how to treat us. I’ve always been huge about living this way. If we don’t require and expect someone to step up and really impress us, they won’t. Why would they? We have taught them they can get what they want without it. The fact that you’ve paid for or supported more dates than not says to me you are giving too much. You’ve got to show these guys you expect more - not in a bad way but just in general.

I think mostly, if they are not stepping up, it’s because they are just not that into you. I put myself in this category pretty squarely. When I’m into someone it shows. Friends of mine have commented things like “see what happens when you try?” And it’s true. When I’m pushing myself (I don't even do that much anymore) it shows. I Plan things, put in effort, etc. it’s because I’m into her or at least think I may be. When I’m all “we should hang out sometime” followed by, “where should we meet” you can assume I’m just going through the motions - and I’ll bet they can tell. I wish I was more into them, I wish I really wanted to see them, but it’s really more like, let’s try this and see if I’m wrong in my initial feelings and somehow become surprised and really end up liking you. If the woman responds with “oh I’m happy with doing anything, whatever you want is fine with me,” it’s her kiss of death. She may think she’s making it easier or increasing her value but the opposite is really happening. When I’m like “I really want to take you out, be ready at 7 PM and I’ll pick you up (or meet you) for a really fun night, I’m interested - not just going through the motions. That’s happened with just a few women in the last few years.

So for me the last possibility fits the most, but all of them are possibilities. Sadly it’s far and few between that I find someone who I really want to pursue. That’s my biggest challenge. When I do and when I try, really try, it seems to go much better. When I’m just meh, yeah, we should get together sometime, it’s rare it will get better from there. I saying this for you to consider it with these guys. On your end, you’ve got to require more from them. It’s back to that book - “Why Men Love Bitches” (it’s a formal, TMd book title, please do not censor it) you’ve got to show these guys that if they expect to date you, they need to bring their A game or they can expect to be benched. It’s a two way street and as much on them as it is on you