Finding patience and facing fear

[DnJ]

Hello Kind

What do you say when a mutual friend reaches out (Who works with H) and says “talked to H ...hope you’re doing ok”??

How about - “You know, surprisingly, really good.”

That statement - it’s true. Even though at times it doesn’t feel like it. It also reinforces your voice and not H’s. And this person is a friend, a mutual friend, so they speak to H as well. If this person is a conduit that gets back to H, and he hears how good you are doing, that is pretty good IMO.

My other trigger is “what has he said to other people” brought on by his 100% normal and happy demeanour around his friends and family. I can’t shake this. I tell myself who cares, live your life...but it’s mind boggling that I’m treated like the sole enemy and he has enough sense still to turn MLC behaviour on and off?? Doesn’t seem legit...makes me think I’ve got this situation all wrong.

Don’t worry you got the situation correct.

H is in MLC. He will expend incredible energies to maintain his fantasy. Far, far, more than you can trying to battle his view. He needs to, he is driven to.

What they say to other people, yeah that’s a trigger. A nasty one. MLCers spin so many lies and half truths. And they do it rather convincingly; since they need to convince themselves as well. However, their MLC behaviour is not turned off and on. That is MLC behaviour.

You’re getting mind-boggled by thinking he is sensible enough and turns it on/off. Nope. It’s just part of the irrational behaviour.

MLCers wear emotional masks. When they are out, on goes the mask. It take enormous energy to hide their depression, guilt, shame, etc, all the while projection how wonderful their new life is and how much they have it all together. When they get home, off comes the mask. They are exhausted from acting like everything is great. And, they know that you know. Not much point acting all nice around you. As you said sole enemy.

If and when they do behave nicely, your radar better go off, they are usually up to something.

If the love feeling is gone what am I doing letting this play out so slowly, going through my mental ups and downs...just to wait for him to eventually (potentially) years from now pull the plug and move on with someone else? Isn’t it healthier to have him do all this away from me?

You loving feelings aren’t gone. They are just put away for a while. Honest.

You are letting fear push your imagination into a future that may or may not happen.

Having him around does reinforce things a bit. However, it’s you that’s keeping your feelings going. And whether he is here or away, you need to find your way through it.

Yes, it is healthier if he does all this away from you - emotionally away from you. That is within your control, regardless of where H is physically.

I don’t want to “help” him with this but it’s getting harder and harder to ignore the trusted people around me who consistently call out this abusive behaviour I’m enduring.

Is it abusive behaviour or disrespectful behaviour?

Put a boundary on the disrespect. You don’t need that wearing you down.

The people around us do care and want us to be better, quickly. Sometimes their best intentions are not the best advice. We can get caught up in other people’s views of our situation.

I don’t want to leave or progress things along for him but if I can’t find this place of total indifference what chance do I stand of not being dragged and lost.....?

Look above. You don’t want to leave or push. Good. Then don’t.

You need not ignore your trusted friends, just realize and accept that they aren’t walking in, nor have walked in, your shoes.

I am where I am, and didn’t follow a lot of well meaning advice of some very close friends and family. I actually told my best friends and parents that I want to stand and it will seem so wrong to them. And probably in time to me as well. I asked them as really good friends to please put aside their view of what they think I need to do, and do what I asked them to do - to encourage me when I lose my path. To remind me of why I am doing what I am. For there will be a time when I will need their strength.

I am fortunate to have good caring people who did just that. And they now “see”, as well. Our standing has a far greater affect than upon just us. A beacon’s light shines pretty far. Just think how many see your’s.

I encourage you to follow your path. The one you wanted to, and still want to, follow.

Indifference will happen. Without doubt. You are already within striking distance, be patient.

You are not lost. In truth, you are about to be found.

Have faith my friend.

D