Self-soothing - does it require lotion?

[MJontheMend]

Hey Hairdog,

I'm almost done with PM now and I think I can explain what I meant by self-soothing through empowerment. What I was really talking about is what Schnarch calls self-confrontation. If you can make a list of all the ways you may have been contributing to the problem and all the ways you may be deceiving yourself and your W by projecting a false image etc. then you have something to busy yourself with and something solid for your spouse to react to.

For instance, I didn't want to believe my H when he said my weight was a problem. When I admitted to myself that I wasn't entirely happy with my weight either, confronted the immature way I was self-soothing with carbohydrates and went on a diet it made me more differentiated and it forced my H to deal with his own issues now that he can't pin that on me.

Another example is at first I wondered whether my H was intimidated by my high drive. The better question I needed to ask myself was whether "I" was afraid of my own HD. If I allowed myself to act/look as sexy as I feel would I not be able to control myself? Would I roll over like a Weeble for any presentable guy with a hard-on? Only when I can trust myself and convey that to my H will he be able to soothe himself around issues with my HD.

Another issue is my problem with my H's use of porn. Since I don't have any problem with porn in general, I had to admit to myself that by focusing on this issue I was trying to stake a claim for ownership of my H's penis. I had a sudden revelation about this when he told me that he didn't like knowing that I masturbated either. So I kind of challenged myself to give it up for a while. I didn't think about it for a couple days and then when I did, I realized it wouldn't make a bit of difference in my desire for my H whether I did or not. I had to laugh at myself for thinking it was any different for my H. I intend to screw my ovaries on real tight and go buy my H a couple new zines to replace the ones he threw away to humor me and enclose a card that says something like " your penis belongs to you and so does my heart" but less sappy (any suggestions?).

One last issue, believe it or not, there are things I'm not entirely comfortable with sexually. I don't like being on top . It feels awkward to me and it makes me feel incompetent. But, if I'm going to ask my H to try things in bed that he's not initially confident/comfortable with then I need to make the first move in that regard. Next available opportunity, I intend to look my H in the eyes and say something like " It bruises my ego to admit that there are things I'm not good at in bed. I feel like "being on top" is one of those things but I'd like to try to get better at it and do it more often because I know you are a visual person and you probably appreciate the view that position affords."

I truly believe self-confrontation is the road to differentiation. Self-soothing is just a skill needed along the way to "hold yourself together" while self-confronting and dealing with your spouses reaction. Figure out how you may be contributing to the problem (try or pretend to believe what your spouse has to say) and DO something about it, don't just admit your complicity to your spouse. Even if the worst case scenario occurs and your spouse spins out of control and out of your life, you will be a much more differentiated person and better able to deal with your break-up and the rest of your life.