Separated 11 wks, WAH wants to reconcile (part 4)

[Pommy99]

He mentioned several times in the early weeks about moving back home, but I kept the brakes on, I told him I needed to feel that he was really into me, that this time it was for keeps.

Ok. So I am assuming this happened. What do you think changed?

I dont know. He says when he's not with me he misses me terribly and has this deep need for me, that I'm his rock, best friend, I offer him safety and that I'll never hurt him. He knew in his head what he wanted to feel but there is this big fiery passion missing for him, feelings of intense desire. Married 18 years - he's not sure what he's supposed to feel. Nor am I to be honest. We've had a very open conversation today however, and it felt good to get some of this stuff on the table. Maybe this is progress. He's telling me so much how much he loves me and will not give up without trying to fix this problem.

I honestly dont know whether to ask him to leave and go back to his rental, or to have him at home while we see what MC has to offer.

You have time to decide.

I talked to him about this yesterday. He was upset that I might want him to leave, whereas he really wants us to try. He seems as frightened of S/D as I am. This situation seems so bizarre. He cried yesterday and again today. He is feeling a mess and very depressed.

This is all so positive, and yet all I can see is last year on repeat, where he is asking for more time. He asked this in August (and November, and January). And all that got me last time was a heap of lies and deceit while he carried on his cake-eating and EA, and ultimately he walked 7 months later.

I think your gut is telling you something.

I'm still not sure how I feel on this - I'm wavering on this - one minute I dont think it's anything to do with EAP, the next I'm paranoid

I do actually feel more in control than I realsied and I feel that I could cope if I asked him to leave now, whereas if I leave everything in his hands again, I'm going to be a complete mess the longer this limbo goes on.

This sentence seems like you are contradicting yourself.

Hmmm, I think I'm confused! I think I mean that right now I'm probably a little more detached and if he left again it wouldnt hurt as much as it will if I make myself fully vulnerable to him in order to repair the M. My wounds will be raw again.

I feel a little more positive, we are being very tactile with each other, we're talking openly and honestly and he is showing a lot of emotions and sharing his feelings with me. I'm still scared though, I'm on my own rollercoaster of fear, hope, rational thinking, irrational thinking, feeling hopeless and helpless, feeling positive and upbeat. Time to go and ride my bike for a couple of hours in the sunshine and forgot my worries