Almost through my first week of vacation. Definitely not how I was expecting it to go but I’ve been able to get out and have some fun with my kids so that’s been great. Yesterday was a road trip to Victoria to drop off SD20 at her mom’s where she is house sitting for the next week. D12 came along for the drive. It was fun to have her company on the way home and we had a nice chat and got in some good mommy-daughter time. Then last night was my hockey team’s first play-off game and we won!!! Go Canucks go!!!
Still really bothered by everything that happened with TDH as much as I tell myself to let it go and move on. Listened to a podcast on the way to Vic yesterday that had a scientist on talking about fear and the biological forces at work when we experience it. I knew a lot of it already but man, it was like I was hearing it for the first time in a lot of ways. It explained so much about what happened to me on Saturday. She talked about learning to recognize when you are getting emotional/angry and then identifying the underlying fear and how sometimes just doing that is enough to bring you out of it. I thought a lot about the situation from last week and identified two fears that I have that I think were behind a lot of my upset...
1. The fear that I’m unloveable and not good enough, and; 2. The related fear that because of #1, I will spend the rest of my life alone.
Just reading those words makes me anxious. I mean, where did those fears even come from? I had a great childhood. Not to say that a couple of crappy things didn’t happen to me but I had two wonderful parents who loved me unconditionally and I really wanted for nothing. I should be the most confident person in the world but I’m not...not when it comes to intimate relationships. I see now that I have so much work to do when it comes to that. Matching up my inner world to my outer world. It is just so, so hard...
