[SteveLW]

I'm so tired. I don't know whether or not its "progress". I started keeping track of positives in our relationship but I failed to keep track of why they are happening. In July, after I last wrote some interesting things happened. She told me she loved me for the first time since January. She sent me a text to share some fun she was having. She bought me craft beers a couple of times to show she was thinking of me. She talked about buying a boat (high end ski boat) together, and a lake house. We went on vacation and she was consistently finding me to come be near me.

One night I asked her if she wanted a good night kiss because she had kind of leaned over towards me and she said yes. That was the first time this year. Every night since then we've given each other a kiss night. One night as we were going to sleep she said "I love you." And a week ago I asked her if she wanted to cuddle as we went to sleep and she said yes. It was the first time since last September that we had done that.

We haven't talked more about our relationship since July 2nd when she last implied she wanted a divorce still. It looks like I've made a lot of progress.

This past week she was on my case pretty good about a couple of things and it really grinded me down. I'm just struggling to stay in the fight. I'm struggling to see the point. I feel like I'm only in it for the kids - shes beaten me down to a point where I am not feeling that loving feeling anymore.

I feel like I'm stuck in a place and I can't do anything about it. I don't feel like I can make it better, at least in a time frame that I can deal with. I mean, how many more years of this do i have to live and the outcome could still be divorce. And if we save the marriage, what kind of a marriage will it be? I would accept her back lovingly if she ever said she was sorry or expressed appreciation for me holding us together, but she is so full of pride, I can't imagine her saying that.

I feel like I do more than my fair share around the house considering I also work full time. She is at home with the kids and considers that alone her job, and then we split all the household duties. That just doesn't feel very fair to me. They are old enough they basically take care of themselves.

Of all the people that know my situation 3 are still trying to encourage me and one of the three I pay to tell me to stick it out.

Why did I type this? I needed to vent. I'm so exhausted. I just can't express that enough. I am so worn out.

"A journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step."

I quote that because rarely in Ring and piecing is there ONE HUGE event that gets you there. It is lots and lots of small things. A touch on the knee here, and small peck on the cheek there, a snuggle session before going to sleep there. What you describe above is exactly how my Ring and piecing started. She started doing small things that had completely disappeared up to that point.

I see you struggling with "how will I know when she is really back". A lot of us that moved to Ring and piecing struggled with that. The answer is not an easy one to hear....and it is even harder to be patient enough to get through: You will know when her actions are consistent over a long period of time.

Here is the thing, WAS' words trail their actions.....by a long time. What I mean by that? As you start to becoming a functioning married couple again (and it looks a lot like what you are noticing above) asking a WAS going through this process, "Do you still want a D?" they will almost always say they do. It is hard for the logical mind to catch up to the emotional one. She may be feeling closer to you, like she wants to stay, that she sees a future with you......but as soon as you appeal to the logical side of her by asking where she is, more than likely she will verbally fall back to her LOGICAL stance that she still wants a D.

In fact, in my situation, my W never said the words "I no longer what a D". It was her actions being consistent, over weeks and months that showed me she was back. It was me also prodding it along. I think when someone gets to the point you are at ScottB that you need to start trying small things here and there, to see how she reacts. One of my favorite was talk charges. (Google that.) The others were touch charges.

One of the big changes I made in my sitch was helping around the house (my situation is much the same as yours in relation to me working, her being a SAHM, and our D being largely self-sufficient)........BECAUSE I LOVE HER. Do you love her enough to not be selfish and look at housework as HER job? I know in my sitch my W and I are different in what we prefer. I like a clean, neat house. She doesn't care. If I don't do the dishes she will have a dishwasher full of clean dishes, and a sink full of dirty ones. And as long as there is room to squeeze one more dirty fork or dish into that sink, she will. I hate dirty dishes in the sink. So I do the dishes 90% of the time because A) that is my preference and B) I love her enough to do that for her.

ScottB, I see you wanting to get back to a comfortable place....the place you were in pre-BD. You need to know that BD changed everything. There is no longer a going back to pre-BD. You either forge ahead with a new relationship with her.....or you are destined to get a D. There is no third option of going back to the way things were. A lot of LBHs especially struggle with that. Do you have the will and desire to forge that new relationship? If not, then you will continue to struggle even though there are signs that she is coming around.